Worth existing for
by AllIHaveIsYou
Summary: Bella inadvertantly saves Edward from himself,but shes hiding some things from him too. Their lives both change as they grow closer to each other. AH AU EPOV Summary kinda sucks, give the first chapter a chance? M for suicide attempts and tasteful lemons
1. The End

**Okay so I'm doing this new fic...its a rather angsty one...but its mainly a love story...isnt it always? lol**

**Oh and the title was the same on another fic I was working on but it didn't seem right, so I changed it to this...**

**Edward is suicidal, but Bella inadvertantly saves him, their lives both change as they grow closer to each other. **

**AH AU**

**M for suicide and lemons :) but tastful lemons...**

**Disclaimer: I dont own twilight, never have, never will... :)**

This was it, this was the end. Cliché I know. My last thoughts that of the end. But honestly what was I supposed to think about. I was driving down the road, rain pelting across the windshield. I was about ten minutes from the bridge. Ten short minutes before I would be submerged. Ten minutes until I left this world behind.

The rain got almost heavier on the windows around me, the silence being broken by the rhythmic pounding. The rain didn't shun away from me, it tried to soak me even though I wasn't worth their moisture. There would be nothing I would be worthy of. My father, my mother, my sister, my brother, I'm not worthy of their love.

Life would be easier for them if I wasn't around, bringing them down. Their elated happiness at their new abode, Forks. High school would start in a few weeks, and I would've been tested, really tested. High school. Maybe I deserved that. To be put through their petty dramas, to be bombarded by the almost headache that make up the populace.

But I wouldn't, because I couldn't survive the fall I was about to make.

I was seriously going to put up with it, to make myself carry on. But it was just too hard. Every breath, every stupid beat of my heart, every thought that ran through my head. It was too hard. And they begged me to end it.

My headlights flashed a road sign, a sign I knew to mean five more minutes.

But they flashed across a person, a small figure standing by the said of the road. I wouldn't have paid much attention but I had to swerve my Volvo to miss hitting them. I slammed the breaks on. My heart was beating erratically, my breathing hard as I clutched onto the steering wheel.

I was going to put my foot back on the accelerator, but the figure I saw in the torrential downpour outside looked distinctively feminine. I looked around at the darkened car, still jumpy from almost hitting her. I squinted out the window. I could see her shadow moving away from the car, she looked like she was carrying something.

Fucking curiosity.

I turned my headlights off and pulled my keys out of the car, yanking the door open and jumping out of the car. It was raining heavier than I thought. My clothes already soaked through and I had been out less than a minute. I saw her still retreating. She was short and hunched over in the rain. What the hell was she doing here? It was abandoned road at half eleven at night. I jogged up to her, pulling my collar up against the rain.

"Hey!" I called out, my voice sounded distant even to my ears. She didn't look around, maybe she didn't hear me, I ran up to her back and touched her shoulder and she jumped, looking up at me. She looked behind me at my car and her eyes widened.

"Oh god I am so sorry," she gasped, I looked down at her, my curiosity at why on earth she was standing on an open road in this weather flaring up again. She looked cold, and she was soaked through. Her hair was dripping down the front of her, a dark brown shade. She bit her lip.

I remembered my car and it clicked,

"No, its okay, it's just..." I paused, looking at this strange girl, I didn't know her, and I was concerned. I was concerned about her. "Do you need a lift?"

What the hell? Did I just ask this stranger if she needed a lift? Her arm was wrapped around a huge duffle bag that was hanging off her shoulder. She went to shake her head, but I raised my eyebrows at her.

"I don't really have anywhere to go." She said quietly, almost too quietly. My chivalrous side was almost as strong as my curiosity. I reached out for her arm and nodded towards my car. She followed me silently.

My whole night shifted. I was no longer headed for the desolate bridge. I was heading home, with the strange girl. I shut the car door behind her and jogged to my side, sitting down and shaking my hair out, it dripped across my face and I squeaked on the chair. I looked over at the girl and she was running her fingers through her own hair. She looked up at me and my eyes met hers. They were the deepest shade of brown I had ever seen, I couldn't pull my eyes away. There were so many emotions swimming in her eyes. She smiled nervously and looked away, that broke me out of my trance.

"Um, I'm Edward," I said stupidly, turning the keys and letting the heat swirl around the car.

"Bella." She introduced herself.

"What are you doing out here?" I asked much easier to just say it outright rather than guess and get it wrong. The silence in the car, save for the rain coming down, was tangible, she was clearly deciding whether or not to tell me, she sighed and looked over at me, our eyes connecting again.

"I left home,"

Her tone ended that part of the conversation, I nodded, wanting to respect her silence and reached behind me to put my seatbelt on. I almost laughed at that gestured. My seatbelt to save my life, when earlier on today all I could think about was dying.

"Where are we going?" she asked timidly,

"I'm taking you to my house, you can stay there." I said simply, she looked back over at me,

"Edward, I don't want to impose, its okay, honestly, I'll just find a motel."

This annoyed me for some reason. The thought of her in a horrible, unsafe motel.

"No, you can stay at my house, trust me, we have the room." I smiled over at her, trying to convince her, she nodded her head hesitantly and reached behind her to pull her seatbelt into place. I was glad she was accepting and I reversed the car. Heading back the way I came.

The car ride was relatively quiet. She fiddled with her zip; I tried to concentrate on my driving. We were both dripping onto the leather, I knew it should have bothered me, but I couldn't find myself to mind.

"so what brings you down this dreary road?" she smiled, still looking at her zip. My hands clutched the steering wheel and I locked my jaw. Thoughts of earlier when I came so close to ending it flew through my brain. I was so close. And this girl had stopped me.

This girl had saved my life.

"I was just out for a drive." I said through my teeth. It came out harsher than I wanted it. She didn't say anything about it; I knew she saw through it, that she knew I had a different agenda. But thankfully we came into my driveway. I looked over at her, and her eyes widened. The rain had slowed down into a drizzle, the house came into full view. I drove the car into the garage and shut the mechanical door behind us. I opened my car door, and went round to open hers but she had already climbed out. I grabbed her bag out of the back seat and pulled it over my shoulder, mush to her dislike.

I smiled at her and walked ahead of her into the house, figuring she would feel more comfortable following than leading.

"Edward!" Esme, rushed over towards me hugging me tightly. "Where did you go? You've been gone for hours."

"Sorry mom," I mumbled, a little embarrassed by Esme's affection. Carlisle came up behind her and pulled her shoulders away from me. "Carlisle, Esme, this is Bella, I wanted to know if it was okay if she stayed here for a while, she doesn't really have anywhere to go." I said formally, I looked back at Bella and she was blushing the most beautiful shade of pink.

"Of course, she can take the spare room on the third floor."

"Where is Alice?" I asked, looking around the living room, finding only Carlisle and Esme standing in front of her.

"She went to bed a few minutes ago," Esme said, looking at Bella.

"Okay, I need to speak to her for a minute and then I'll set the bedroom up for Bella. Goodnight mom, dad." I nodded in their direction and Esme looked at Carlisle, I took no notice of it and walked to the stairs, Bella's wet bag still hanging on my arm, she followed me quietly.

I knocked Alice's bedroom door and she flung it open, throwing her arms around my neck.

"Edward!"

"Okay Alice, could you just..." she nuzzled my neck,

"Don't ever do that to me again, I was so worried." She murmured into my skin. I rubbed her back with my free hand and hugged her.

"I won't Ali, I promise." She released my neck and her eyes fell on Bella, she gasped at her and looked back at me, a million questions in her eyes, I sighed and rolled my eyes. "This is Bella; she will be staying with us for a while,"

Well they needed to be introduced, might as well get it over with. Alice smiled over at her and gave me some sheets and blankets to put on the bed for her, before saying her goodbyes and hugging me again. I led Bella up stairs; I was the only one on the third floor, well not anymore. The room was smaller than mine, but nice enough. The double bed was against the west wall and the small dresser was opposite. That was really it for furniture. No one really used this room; it was here more for convenience.

I put her duffle bag on the dresser and the sheets on the bed. She shuffled behind me. I fanned out the white bed sheet and began making the bed as she stood by the door frame.

"You make beds?" she asked sceptically,

"Um, not really." I answered honestly, her face broke into a smile and she let go of her zip and walked over to me,

"your folding it wrong, it's easier if you do this." she pulled the sheet out where I haphazardly tucked it in at the top, folding it and tucking it in perfectly, like it was an art or something. I moved back and let her carry on. She did the same thing with the under blanket and then pulled the main blanket over it. "see?" she said smoothing down the edge, I just nodded and smiled, kind of confused by the whole show, I mean they were just sheets, but she seemed contented in her work.

I cleared my throat,

"The bathrooms in there, there should be towels and stuff already there, have you got everything you need? Do you need anything else?" I asked politely, she shook her head and downcast her eyes, why did she keep doing that? I felt my brows furrow, but I shook my head and folded my arms, walking towards the door. "I'm a couple of doors down okay? You'll be okay?"

"Yeah I'm just going to take a shower and then go to bed." She waved her hand dismissively but there was something off about her voice, something she was keeping from me. I don't know why it bothered me. But it did. I was about to say something when I thought against it. She was probably tired, I knew I was. I smiled at her and shut the door behind me.

I opened the door to my room and everything hit me at once. All the things that had been at bay while I was making sure Bella was okay. Everything. Every little thing. My stress, my depression, my hatred. I leant against the door and my knees buckled, my body slid towards the floor. I heard my breathing accelerate as I panicked, and my heart beat erratically against my chest. I wrentched my hands up to my hair and clutched at it, feeling the world press itself against me. I took a deep breath and pulled my hair slightly. It calmed me, if only for a few seconds while I collapsed.

I suppose to anyone watching this would be a panic attack, but it was so much more. The realisation that I was still here, that I still had to breathe, suffocated me. I heard the shower start a few doors down. Sighing I released my hair and let my head fall to the back of my door. What the fuck was I going to do now? My family's concern hit me harder than I realised. They truly would be devastated if I was gone. But I had been through this before. I had already run through all the ramifications.

But of course those consequences didn't factor in the new brown haired girls in my life. It was strange, I had only known her hours, and yet. I felt a tie to her. Like I was meant to protect her, because if I didn't, who would? My breathing had calmed slightly and my heart was beating normally. I pushed myself up on a shaky arm and stood, passing everything in my room, heading straight towards the bathroom. A shower seemed like a perfect idea.

**Tells me if you like it...And if you want me to continue it...if not..I'l let it die... :)**


	2. Please dont leave

**Well erm thanks for the replys telling me to continue, I'm mostly doing this for myself, because I want to see it play out....but still thanks... :)**

**Heres the next chapter...enjoy...**

The warm water had worked; I was calm enough to justify going to sleep another night. To justify another day. It was late, or early, depending on how you see it. I pulled my sweat pants and t-shirt on and ran the towel through my hair, trying to dry it enough so I won't freeze. I walked out of the bathroom, clicking the light off as I went. I looked at my huge bed, shaking the towel once more through the back of my hair and throwing it on the hamper at the door. My bed invited me warmly, begging me to climb into it. But I wasn't tired.

I sighed again, walking over to my desk and picking up the book I discarded earlier today. As long as I'm still here I might as well finish it, I thought bitterly. I flicked the paperback open and quickly skimmed down the page I had marked to find my spot.

The book eventually captured my interest, the main twist in the plot coming in around 3 am, but I didn't have in me to be surprised, it wasn't very well thought out. I was about to fling it shut and climb under the cover and force myself to sleep, when I heard a soft cry.

At first I thought I imagined it, not sleeping last night and then again tonight staying up late. But I heard it again, louder. It was a scream. I shut the book quietly and cocked my head in the direction of the cry, stopping my breathing to hear it better.

It happened again.

I stood up quickly and made my way over to the door, I opened it and poked my head into the dark hall. It was empty. I stayed there for a few seconds, and there was silence. I closed my door, and just as it hit the frame I heard it again, but it was louder, more desperate. I couldn't contain my curiosity any longer, I had to know. I flew open the door and stepped out, tiptoeing down the hallway. Was someone downstairs? Was someone hurt?

I got to the top of the stairs and froze. I heard it again. In Bella's room. She sounded like she was crying. I walked over to her door and tapped the wood with my knuckle.

"Bella?" I whispered.

Nothing.

My hand curled around the door handle, I stopped myself. What the hell was I doing? I was about to walk into a guests bedroom, a girl nonetheless, without her permission and in the middle of the night. But then I heard the scream again, louder than any previous one. She was in pain. Before I thought of anything to do I was opening the door, popping my head in.

She was lying in bed, the lamp still on, a dark jumper covering her frame, her hair was all over the place and her face was scrunched up,

"Bella?" I whispered again,

She looked asleep. But she was breathing heavily, tightening her face up every few seconds. Her lips parted and a strangled cry came out of them, followed by a sob. She turned her body and I saw she was shaking. She was fucking shaking. I stepping inside her room, closing the door behind me, I knew what I was doing; I was going to wake her up, stop her from this dream. I walked quietly over to her, and sat down on the bed. She looked so scared, lying on her side, her arms thrown in front of her, her legs tucked up beneath the blanket. She didn't move when I sat there, she didn't respond at all to the extra weight next to her. I thought maybe her nightmare had ended, that she was okay now, that I didn't have to wake her. I sighed and ran my fingers thorough my hair. Looking down at her sleeping I felt weird, like I was spying on her private time, the time when she could really be alone with her thoughts.

She stirred again, a loud piercing scream filling the air. I panicked my heart thrashing against my chest at the sound. It was so painful, so deep. My hand lifted without me realising it and I brushed the tears that were on her cheek. Her eyes opened and she launched herself up, crashing into me. Her arms clutched around my neck and she was gasping for air, shaking as she held onto me. I reeled back a little shocked, but she still stuck onto me. I didn't have a clue what to do. Bella was sobbing into my shoulder, but my hands naturally came round and rubbed her back soothingly, trying to calm her after her extremely confusing outburst. Her sobs gradually stopped and her body calmed, her breathing resting in my ear as her grasp weakened and she pulled away, slowly.

I looked her and she lifted her tear rimmed eyes to mine, letting her arms travel slowly down my arms, she sniffed a little and looked at me confusedly.

"Are you okay?" I whispered. She still looked sad, still confused a little, "I heard you crying in your sleep, I came in to see if you..."

"I'm okay," she cut me off quietly. Our faces were inches apart and I could feel her breath on my face. I had the strangest urge to close the distance. The urge screaming impossibly loud when she bit her lip. I shook my head and moved my head further back, and she took her hands from me completely.

"I'm sorry, I shouldn't have disturbed you." I whispered sadly, she released her lip and smiled weakly,

"No, I'm glad you did I wasn't having a pleasant dream," her voice was lower than mine as she confirmed my earlier suspicion. I went to stand up to leave but I felt her arms curl around mine again.

"Please don't leave me, please." She was shaking again, her warm hand clutched around my arm, as her panic returned. My heart broke a little. Her voice cracked when she begged me, and she was crying. My heart clenched painfully as I thought of Bella crying. It was completely irrational as I had only known her a few short hours, not even a whole day yet. But she was just co vulnerable, so frail, and so scared. I couldn't have refused her if I tried, and I didn't.

"I won't leave," I said, her hand fell down my arm, she hesitated, but laid her head slowly back onto the pillows. She visible calmed down and stopped shaking. She let out a deep breath and I dragged my eyes away from her, anywhere but her.

I felt her hand brush my arm again and I looked down just in to me to see her fingertips trail my knuckles and her palm lay flat on the back of my hand. I felt her fingers twine into mine and I looked at her curiously. Her eyes were closed and she was smiling. She tightened her grip on my fingers and sighed again. My hand moved, flipping upwards to lace our fingers together more traditionally, our palms facing towards each other, my thumb rubbed circles on her hand. Her eyes fluttered open and the room charged when they met mine. It was like electricity flowed through our hands, and fizzled in the air. The urge to close the distance flared again.

My stupid body broke the confusingly intense moment and I yawned, trying to stifle it with my other hand, two days of no sleep would do that to you. Her fingers squeezed mine,

"I'm sorry. I'm keeping you from sleep,"

"Its fine, I said I wouldn't leave." I looked back down at her and she snuggled her head into her pillow, looking at me and biting her lip.

"Well, I'll feel bad if you're all tired in the morning," she whispered, looking down at the pillows. "Do you want to lie down?"

I don't know what the hell my body was doing, but I nodded, the thought of being able to put my head on a pillow was relieving. I hadn't truly notice how tired I was. The next thing I knew I was leaning back against the same pillow that promised sleep, above the covers, facing the ceiling. She moved over to let me lie down at first, but now she was scooting closer, her boy still pressed under the sheets. Her hand slid back into mine, after I had released it to lie down, and she rested her head by my shoulder, laying her forehead against it.

"Thank you Edward." She whispered in the darkness,

"What for?" I asked back,

"Everything you've done today. You didn't have to stop when you saw me in the rain, you didn't have to get out your car, you didn't have to give me a place to stay, and you didn't have to stay with me when you woke me up. Thank you for everything you've done for me."

Her fingers tightened in mine and she cuddled closer, her other hand wrapping around the arm whose hand was captured in hers.

I didn't know what to say, if there were even words. I just returned the squeeze on her hand. I heard her breathing slow and I let the fuzzy darkness creep over my own eyes, lulling me into sleep.

**Remember to review and let me know what you think... :)**


	3. Are you okay Edward?

**Whee...well this is the next chapter... **

**BTW Edward has been depressed for a while...and Bella? well that will be explained later... :)**

**Ah cryptic remarks aint they fun?**

I heard a knocking noise, it wouldn't go away. I scrunched my eyes against it, willing it away. It stopped and I heard a voice,

"Bella?"

Alice what the hell? Why was Alice in my dream? I opened my eyes, expecting to see the sun, blaring above me as I lay in the forest clearing. But instead I was in a room. The spare room? I blinked confused and I felt something snuggle closer to me. Or rather someone. I tried to stretch my arms but one was being pinned below someone warm and soft. I looked down and spread across my chest was a head of mahogany hair, and a pale sleeping face. Bella. I yawned and the door opened, my sister came in. She clocked eyes with me and her mouth fell open.

"Alice what the hell are you doing in here?" I asked in a hushed whisper. She looked speechless, as I detangled myself slowly from Bella. I stood up and stretched, my joints stiff from the awkward half sitting position, Alice still hadn't answered me.

"Alice?"

"What on earth was that?" she almost shouted, I ran over to her and covered her mouth playfully, she looked at me wide eyes and I almost laughed at her, almost. I have to admit it was rather strange, me and Bella cuddled up like we were.

"Alice, Bella was having nightmares, she asked me not to leave and I fell asleep, now are you going to have a fit? Or can I put my hand down?" she playfully bit my finger and I gave her a shocked expression. Her face lit up in a knowing smile and I shook my head at her. "So what are you doing in here?" I whispered, she was still smiling,

"Breakfast is ready, and...Emmett wants to meet her."

I huffed at the thought of Emmett, and the thought of having to wake her up.

"I'll wake her, you can go get dressed." Alice chimed, looking at my face. I was too tired to be suspicious so I gestured for my little sister to carry on, walking out of the room. I stole a glance at Bella on the way out.

I quick-stepped into my room, shutting the door and flinging open the doors of my closet, pulling out a dark shirt and jeans. I dressed quickly and tried to straighten out the mess that was my hair while I washed up. I thought I'd forgo my run this morning, I was up earlier than usual, I would go later. The strange impulse to just be in the same room as Bella, was staggering, it was making me hurry when I usually took my time. And I couldn't justify any of it. I half ran down the stairs and as I crossed the threshold into the kitchen I heard laughter. My eyes fell on Emmett shaking with laughter as Bella blushed, Alice was sitting next to her, Emmett opposite and Esme was standing by the counter.

"Oh morning Edward." Esme greeted me, a giant smile on her face. My adopted sibling's eyes met mine and I smiled, a little confused at the scene before me. I walked over to the table and sat next to Emmett, across from Bella. I reached over and grabbed some toast, Emmett looked at me, and I turned towards him. He looked surprised. Well this was the first time in months that I had come down for breakfast let alone actually eaten it.

"What?" I asked, a little uneasy by his stare.

"Nothing," smiled, sliding the butter over to me with a sly smile on his face, "what brings the great Edward down at this hour?" he chuckled, I glared at him and Bella giggled at us, I couldn't help but smile and I nudged Emmett.

"Rose and Jasper will be coming over soon," Alice chirped, taking a bite of toast and smiling happily as she chewed it. I groaned inwardly, I must have made some kind of face, because Bella looked at me curiously. Emmett smiled excitedly; I rolled my eyes and started eating my breakfast.

"Who's Rose and Jasper?" Bella asked quietly. She seemed abnormally comfortable with Alice and I wondered what Alice had said to her when I was in my room. She seemed to fit in with the kitchen, with the family. Esme sighed loudly and Emmett glared playfully over at her, I stifled a chuckle. I actually wanted to chuckle. That notion scared me a little, me wanting to laugh. I hadn't laughed in so long; it would be strange to even consider it.

"Jasper is my boyfriend, his sister is Emmett girlfriend." Alice said simply, Bella's eyes narrowed, she knew something was up. I wanted to laugh again.

"Rosalie isn't very nice to anyone but Emmett," I explained, Emmett nudged me,

"She's a lovely person." He defended her.

I couldn't help the chuckle that escaped my lips, Alice almost choked on her toast and I heard Esme put a plate down on the side. My chuckle died and I looked around me,

"What?" I asked innocently,

"Nothing, nothing." Esme half whispered and turned her back to us, busying herself with the lack of washing up that needed to be done.

I looked at Alice and she looked stunned. Their reactions to me chuckling were so overdramatic. Even Emmett was looking at me. I shrugged my shoulders and took another bite of toast. I had no idea what was going on but I didn't even feel bitter that they were surprised, I looked over at Bella and she was looking at me too, but when I met her eyes she looked at the table quickly. When she looked at me she wasn't shocked, she was half smiling at me. I couldn't figure her out at all. But I wanted to.

Bella had followed Alice upstairs, getting a tour of the house, and no doubt Alice's wardrobe as well, Emmett was in the sitting room, setting up a computer game. I stayed in the kitchen, helping Esme put everything away. I felt kind of weird being downstairs so early in the morning, yes half nine was early for me. I stacked the plates and knives and walked over to the counter.

"Are you okay Edward?" Esme asked, I swivelled back and looked at her.

"I'm fine." I said, out of habit, it hit me then how much I used that phrase; it was pretty much my whole vocabulary where my family were concerned. I didn't talk to them much. If I was with them I was silent, in the background, brooding. I dropped my head and leant against the side, "I'm okay Esme honestly," I raised my eyes and smiled, she sighed and walked over to me, putting her arms around me and hugging me.

"You've been gone too long Edward. But I'm glad you're back." she raised her head and dropped her arms, "but I can't help but think it's something to do with Bella. She is a very nice girl, but as Alice said this morning we don't know anything about her. I was thinking do you? I mean do you know what she was doing last night out in the rain?"

I shook my head, absorbing everything she said, not just the last sentences. We didn't know anything about Bella, but my mood obviously had something to do with her. it was even stranger now that she was upstairs and I couldn't see her, I knew that I had put my family through a lot of pain, my chest clenched painfully and I felt the crushing start again.

"I'm sure Alice can find out about Bella mom," I was on the verge of a full panic attack, "I'm sorry, I just need to," I didn't explain, I just fled. Leaving her standing in the kitchen as my thoughts strangled me. They had all been so surprised as I came downstairs, when I laughed. Was it really that uncommon? I thought about my black moods as I walked up the stairs trying to breathe normally. I was really fucked up. And I knew it, which just made it worse. I mean it wasn't Carlisle's fault, or Esme's. They had done nothing but take me in, treat me like their own. As their first adopted child I wasn't much of a son. When Emmett came along, he was better than me in every way, the model son. And Alice. Esme had always wanted a girl, she was the perfect daughter for her. Jasper and Rosalie's inclusion in our family just made them even happier. Although their aunt has full custody of them she doesn't treat them like Esme treats them, like family. And there I was, stuck in the middle, the moody depressive one, bringing them all down. I felt my heart accelerate, my knees almost faltering on the top step of the second floor.

I heard Bella laugh, "You're not putting me in that!" I heard her giggle. Alice whined and I smiled.

My heartbeat calmed and I sat on the top step. I put my hands up to my hair and pulled the roots slightly, taking deep breaths. It wasn't so bad. They put up with me, and Carlisle could've said to the adoption centre that he couldn't handle me, and yet I'm here, still with them after five years. I heard Bella laugh again and something hit the floor.

"Bella? How come you were out last night?" Alice's buoyant voice sounded, I froze, dropping my hands and listening in to her conversation, I didn't care that I shouldn't,

"I ran away, my truck died like after two miles."

"That sucks, are you sure you don't want us to tell anyone where you are though? Your mom might worry."

"My mom lives in Jacksonville," Bella laughed, "my dad lives in Forks,"

"Rose!" Emmett's booming voice made me jump, I stood quickly and walked downstairs just in time to see Emmett swing his girlfriend in loose circles. Jasper shut the door behind him and looked towards me and nodded,

"She's upstairs," I said motioning towards the girls, Alice came running down behind me and flung herself into Jasper's arms. I looked behind me and Bella was standing at the top of the stairs, I smiled at her, she looked down, and I could swear she was blushing.

"Bella, please come meet Jasper." Alice shouted up and I crossed her on the stairs, she looked at me while she past me.

I went straight to my room, I didn't think I could stand being in the same room as Rosalie today, not matter how good my mood was. I closed the door and looked around, today was like new. I was truly seeing everything the way it was.

And my room was a mess.

I had books and paper thrown everywhere. Clothes were lying haphazardly over the hamper by my door and my bed sheets were rolled up at the bottom of my bed. I took a deep breath and went over to my stereo. I looked at my CD's and they were a mess too, open and loose ones lying all over the shelves. I grimaced at the lack of care I was giving them; I usually took great care of my things, especially my CD's. I pressed play on the stereo and the room filled with a guitar riff that made me sigh.

I began sorting the CD's and put them on the shelf, tiding the overall space while I was working. One song ran into the next as I cleaned. I picked up books from the floor and desk and put them on the higher shelves, folded writings and notes into my folder, scrunched up paper I didn't need and throwing them into the quickly filling bin. I changed my sheets and tried to copy the way Bella had folded and tucked them, I smiled to myself when the bed looked presentable. I fanned the gold comforter over the back of my sofa and put all the clothes and towels in the hamper and closed it neatly. The room was actually looking presentable, when I went into the bathroom. I didn't need to do much in there, but when I was done the CD I had put on was on it second rotation of the songs.

I heard a knock o my door and it opened without me saying a word. I saw a head of brown hair and Bella walked in, closing the door behind her.

"Hey," she smiled, I felt my whole body relax, I wasn't even aware that I was tense. I smiled back at her and she looked around without taking a step further in. It was strange that she just walked straight in, but I honestly didn't care. I mean it was only fair since I had so effectively disrupted her privacy last night. Her eyes rested on the bookshelf and a noisy tune filled the air. I quickly shut it off and her eyes travelled upwards to the books above my head.

"That's a nice collection." She commented walking over to me, she stood on her tiptoes and tried to reach for one; I laughed again and reached up for it, handing it to her. I tried not to think about how I had just laughed for the second time today, after not hearing that sound for months.

"Thanks, Edward?" she took the book in her hands and flipped open the hardback cover.

"Hmm?" I answered, watching her as her eyes went up and down the page,

"Rosalie said hi." She looked up at me and I raised my eyebrows, she giggled and walked over to my sofa, "your room is..." she looked around and I saw her eyes widen,

"I just cleaned." I said, following her and sitting beside her on the sofa,

"You even made your bed." she nodded approvingly and I chuckled again, thinking of the how long I spent trying to recreate what Bella did last night. Her eyes dropped to her book and she blushed again. "You should do that more often,"

"What?" I was confused, I should do what? Make my bed?

"Laugh."

Ah she noticed that. She _was_ perceptive. I smiled and shook my head, the room went silent and I watched as her eyes went across the page, her little fingers curling around them as she read through them. I was sort of mesmerised by how her hands played with the corners of the book as she read through it. The room had gone so still and quiet that I jumped when she did.

"oh god I'm sorry," she shut the book quickly and walked over to the shelves, she tried again in vain to reach up to put the book back but couldn't reach. I realised, when I looked over at the clock that she had been reading for a good hour, I stood up from the sofa and stretched a little, before walking back over to her, I curled my hand over hers and lowered her hand.

"You can keep it in your room if you want, until you finish it I mean." She looked at my hand over hers and I removed it, she clutched the book to her chest and nodded timidly, the room charged just like it did last night. Just as confusing, just as intense. Her eyes locked with mine again and I watched as her tongue darted out to lick her lips. We both just stood there staring at each other strangely. As if we both wanted to do something but we couldn't.

"Bella?!" I heard Alice's voice call her and we both snapped out of it. I shook my head, trying to clear the daze and Bella made a move to go to the door. She turned to say something but stopped herself and opened the door quickly, "There you are. What were you doing in there?" I heard Alice's suggestive tone and Bella just giggled. Bella giggled?

"A book Alice." She said, I almost heard her roll her eyes. She shut the door behind her and I sighed. I changed quickly and glanced at the clock. Four thirty. I would be back by six. I shut the door behind me and started jogging toward the trees.

**Mmmm so Let me know what you think...**

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	4. Restless

Last night was horrible, I was restless all night, tossing and turning. I kicked my blankets off my bed in frustration. I didn't even get to sleep until the morning.

I woke up blurry eyed and bitter at the lack of sleep I had had. I hated not sleeping. I glared at the clock and shut the alarm off, stupid nine o'clock. I had set it after much deliberation. But I wanted to get up in the morning, as much as I hated to admit it, I wanted to see Bella, I wanted to go downstairs and eat breakfast. I stalked into the bathroom and washed up, after splashing cold water on my face so I didn't fall asleep in the sink.

I was feeling marginally human when I pulled my door open and walked down the stairs, the bubbling anticipation of seeing her again was stupid, and I knew it. But when I came into the kitchen and saw Emmett alone my face fell and my mood dampened.

"Morning Edward, will this be a habit of yours?" Esme smiled at me, no need to be entirely bitter, I thought to myself, I gave her a smile and went to sit down, "what do you want for breakfast?"

"Oh eggs!" Emmett jumped up excitedly, fucking child. I smiled and sat down,

"Eggs would be lovely." I said, looking over at Esme.

"Mm eggs?" I heard Alice's voice and she skipped into the kitchen, Bella in tow. I pulled my eyes away from her and looked at the toast that was on the table,

"Edward!" Alice jumped at me, smiling and put her arms around my neck, "hey wait a second. You were downstairs before I was." She pointed out, Emmett and Esme laughed and Alice playfully glared at me. I just nodded and commented on her laziness, she huffed and sat down. I smiled over at Bella, and she returned it, biting into some toast. Esme bought over the result of Emmett's cheeriness and he helped himself. It made me feel weird seeing them eat happily together. It wasn't quite happiness that I felt, but I didn't hate it.

"Edward, I want to go shopping today, do you want to come?" Alice said happily, I looked up and she was almost bouncing in her chair. I was shocked to say the least. Not only was I never invited out anywhere, but Alice was asking me. To shop. In public.

"I don't know Ali," I shook my head, deliberating,

"Oh come on!" she whined. "Bella will you come?"

"Alice I don't really like shopping," she moaned, I smiled at her tone, maybe Alice wasn't going to find a shopping partner in Bella after all.

"What day is it? Let Alice down day? Please?" she looked over at me, and I rolled my eyes, she looked back at Bella,

"Well why can't Emmett go?" I asked defiantly, I saw Emmett snap his head towards me, I looked over at him and he was smiling smugly.

"I have a date with Rosalie." He said matter-of-factly. I glared at him and turned back towards Alice who was giving Bella puppy dog eyes.

"Fine!" Bella caved, Alice squealed with joy and clapped her hands, Esme laughed behind us and Emmett chuckled,

"Edward?" she pouted her bottom lip, I laughed and nodded giving in, she squealed again and finished her breakfast, practically radiating happiness.

"But you are not putting me in _anything_." Bella said while she was eating, Alice went to protest but Bella glared playfully at her.

"Fine, but now Edward will have to try everything on."

"You're not putting me in a dress Alice." I said playfully, everyone erupted in laughter. My chuckle died when I realised that this felt so foreign to me. I hadn't laughed in so long, and laughing with my family? As we sat down to breakfast together? it was just...weird. And they seemed to be coping with my mood change a lot better than I was. I leant back in my chair, everyone was getting over my little joke and continuing to eat, smiles still playing around their lips. I shook my head and started eating the eggs that Esme had cooked.

After breakfast I helped clear away the dishes while Alice and Bella got dressed and Emmett got ready. Esme didn't say anything to me but was smiling hugely. I didn't really notice, I was more preoccupied with the thought of being out in public. With Alice. And Bella. I could spend the whole day with Bella. I don't know why I felt...happy? at that thought. But I did. I walked into the sitting room and Alice was putting stuff in her small bag and Bella was fiddling with the zip on her jacket.

"Okay. Edward!" Alice called not looking up from her bag,

"Alice I'm here." I pointed out,

"Oh right," she snapped her head up, clearly embarrassed for shouting my name, "I thought you went back upstairs." She smiled and grabbed her keys from the hook by the door and me and Bella looked at each other and followed.

Port Angeles was busy. I rolled my eyes at the group of girls that walked past; they looked like a group of Alice's. I grimaced at the thought of shopping with more than one Alice.

"Oh my god, look at that skirt!" she chimed ducking into a shop with fancy writing at the door. Bella laughed and followed her, I stood outside. "Edward get your ass in here!" I heard her call, sighing I walked through the doors and was assaulted by the clothes, Alice thrust about five shirts some jeans and a jacket into my arms. "Try these on." she smiled sweetly at me, as if she were asking rather than telling. Bella giggled behind her. The clerk stifled a laugh; apparently everyone understood that this was no request. I sighed and took the clothes from her. "Yay, well you can go in first, and then you can tell me what you think about this outfit."

She smiled excitedly and held up a white top and a skirt,

"Alice it looks great,"

"You haven't even seen it on me yet." She complained. I rolled my eyes and she half pushed me towards the fitting rooms. I glared at the shirts, huffing and pulling the dark blue one on.

"Oh I like this one. It fits really nice, doesn't it Bella?" Alice nudged her and I grimaced. I looked back at the mirror. It was just a shirt.

The day pretty much went like that. Alice tried to get Bella to try some on, but she settled with parading me around like a doll. I mean I liked the clothes she had picked for me, and she knew I did. But I didn't need to try everything on. Although I would never admit it I was enjoying myself. Apart from the clothes the day was good. We got ice cream, which I enjoyed, much to Bella and Alice's amusement.

"Seriously Edward? How long has it been since you've had ice cream?" Bella asked me giggling to herself. I raised my eyebrows at her and dipped my finger in the cone I was eating and wiping it on her cheek. She screamed and swiped at me with her cone, trying to get the whole thing on my face.

"Hey!" I shouted, she did it again and I ducked out of the way, it fell to the ground unceremoniously with a splat and me and Bella doubled over in laughter. I didn't have a clue what I was laughing at, but I was, my sides even hurt afterwards. I hadn't laughed like that it...I couldn't even remember, but I didn't even let that thought bring me down; I was still on a high from the explosion of giggles.

I was so tired when Alice flung open the door to the house. I was carrying her bags as well as my own. Bella was holding three bags of her own, she had insisted we go into a bookstore and Alice had insisted on buying her something. Emmett are Rose were cuddled up on the sofa, Emmett was twirling a piece of her hair and dragging it and down her arm.

"Hey guys, I see Alice didn't kill you." He smiled, pressing his face in Rosalie's hair, she hummed and turned into his chest. I had never seen them so affectionate with each other; it was usually lurid remarks and gropes, in-between Emmett's joke and Rosalie's cold personality.

"Hey I'm not that bad you know." Alice whined, "Rose is Jasper at home?"

"Nope."

Alice snapped her round and I shut the door behind Bella. Alice threw her arms around Jaspers neck and she giggled into him.

"Alice where do you want your clothes?" I rolled my eyes and she dropped down from her lover's neck,

"I'll put them upstairs." She said,

"I'll do it," I offered, I walked towards the stairs and I heard Jasper laugh, I got to the second floor and turned into Alice's room. I sorted out what bags were mine and took them up to my room, I threw them on the sofa and was about to collapse on my bed,

"EDWARD!" I heard Alice shout my name; I groaned and walked back downstairs.

"yes?" I asked, as I came into the living room, Bella was fiddling with a controller in her hands and Emmett was pushing her fingers down on the buttons. Alice was sitting on Jasper's lap and Rosalie was walking past me with snacks in her hand.

"Want to play?" Emmett asked, trying to wrestle between working his own controller and helping Bella with hers. Did I want to play? Did I? Today was getting stranger and stranger, so many new things, so many changes. So I shrugged moving into the sitting room and taking a place in the free chair. Might as well see how things play out. I'll jog twice as long tomorrow, I promised myself.

"What the hell?" Emmett growled and let go of Bella's controller, he put both of his hands on his and began pushing buttons furiously. I looked at the TV and saw it was a fighting game, and Bella was winning. Player one wins flashed up on the screen and Alice laughed, "Yeah well I helped a load to begin with." Emmett huffed. Rose giggled and put the discarded controller back in his hands.

"Best two out of three?" she asked him, and Bella nodded, smiling at the game.

After Bella had successfully beaten Emmett twice more he decided to put in a different game, racing. Alice played Emmett and lost, Jasper played Bella, and Alice played Jasper. I was beginning to get into watching the screen flash up winner and loser, seeing how this stupid family dynamic was working. I knew that I hadn't really seen it before. Carlisle came home around eight to find all us all in the living room, Emmett had just beat Bella for the first time and was standing up with his arms in the air. Carlisle shook his head and his eyes clocked mine, I smiled at him and he tilted his head to the side, before shaking it and nodding towards the stairs.

"Edward?" Alice handed me the controller and motioned for Emmett to hand his to Bella, she smiled at me and I shrugged taking it and pressing start. I got the hang of it quickly, when to accelerate and when to turn, Bella was in the lead. I passed her on a curve in the virtual road and she sat up straighter in her chair, her eyes flitting toward me as she tried to pay attention to the TV,

"Ooo Bella he's passed you." Emmett jumped up too,

"Just let me...there." she smiled over at me, taking her eyes off the screen as she passed me, I chuckled and her car span into the lake that was at the edge, a red winner sign came up on my half of the screen and I laughed again. She huffed and handed to the controller back to Emmett. She was so adorable, sitting there pouting at her loss, she hadn't gotten used to winning. Did I just call her adorable? Fuck.

"I'm tired; I think I'm going to go to bed." I forced a yawn and everyone broke into whines, well except for Rose.

"Come on Eddie it's barely midnight!" Emmett whined, I glared at him for the nickname,

"Yeah, stay up a little longer?" Alice pleaded behind me,

I almost sat back down, almost.

"No its okay, have fun though." I smiled and stepped over the growing pile of soda cans and made my way upstairs.

I had thought Bella was adorable. Fucking adorable. What the hell? I shut my door a little more forcefully and went straight over to my bed, not bothering to get undressed or even get under the covers. The whole day swirled around in my mind. My cheeriness. I had been cheery today. That's what it was. I had even sat downstairs and socialised with my family. The depression had so effectively ruined that part of life for me before.

And the thing was, I embraced it. I was too wrapped up in the darkness, it was safe there for me, and I knew that things would be consistent, that things wouldn't change. But things had changed since Bella had come into my...our lives. And yet I barely knew her. But she had thrown everything up in the air, torn through my barriers without me even realising. I thought back to the ice cream, why had I acted like that? I never played silly games like that, ever. And yet when I was with her, I couldn't help myself. I couldn't help the smiles, the laughs, and the playfulness. I remembered her laugh so completely and the way she had curled up to me on the first night. It was all her. I groaned at the confusion of the whole thing. I heard her door shut down the hall way, and not five minutes later the shower run. Maybe she was tired too.

But I wasn't even tired, I was restless. Just like last night.

**BTW we find out a little more about Bella next chapt...so review me and let me know how you're liking it :)**


	5. Bella

**So here we find out a little more about Bella...**

I couldn't sleep. At all. My head was on the pillow, and yet I couldn't close my eyes. I stared up at the ceiling, okay I glared at it. Bella's eyes flashed in my brain. This was getting ridiculous. Could I not go ten minutes without thinking about her? But did I want to? I sighed loudly and sat up, running my fingers through my hair.

For the hundredth time I remembered how I saw her hair splayed across me, the feeling of her pressed against me while she slept. I kicked the quilt off and stood up. I started pacing my room, restlessly. Fuck it. I stalked towards the door and opened it. It wasn't that late, but maybe I could see her at least before I went to sleep. It might calm this obsession I seem to have formed over her. I walked the few steps down the hall before I came face to face with her door. I raised my knuckle and hesitated, before tapping on the wood, I waited but I got no answer. I turned the handle and opened the door a crack, calling her name into the air. I popped my head around the door frame and she was lying on the bed, on her stomach, in a flimsy pyjama tank top and pants. She had headphones in and she was reading, twisting her feet in the air, and mouthing the words to herself. My eyes swept unashamedly over her form before she realised I was here.

And I stopped breathing. I stopped...everything. My mind went blank. Up and down her arms were bruises. And not accidental clumsy bruises, angry, deliberate bruises. Everywhere. There was more purple skin than her pale. Just above her wrist there was a especially nasty looking one, almost in the shape of fingers. My head was getting dizzy and my hand slipped from the door handle, pushing the door open.

She caught the movement in her peripherals and shot her head up, jumping slightly. She smiled when she saw me, pulling her headphones out, my blank expression must have tipped her off because her face fell and she shot up quickly, reaching out to pull her arms through a thin jacket that was lying next to her. She zipped it up quickly and stood up, dropping her head. My breathing started again, but my mind was still blank. She walked over to me,

"Edward?" she whispered, her hand touched my limp one and it snapped me out of it. My eyes darted around her face, she raised her eyes to mine and she was almost crying.

"Bella what happened?" I choked out. I was surprised, my voice cracked. I was near tears. She looked down again and a tear slid down her own cheek. Her hand wiped it away quickly and she stepped backwards from me, clutching her arms around her torso. The back of her knees hit the bed and she sat down. My brain was still trying desperately to function, but I somehow managed to walk into her room, close the door and follow her to her bed. I even sat down next to her. She seemed to be deliberating; I was so confused, what had happened to her? Did it have something to do with why she was out the other night? Did someone do this? Was she attacked? I shook my head; the thought of Bella being attacked by anyone upset me more than I thought. "Bella?" I pleaded with her,

"It was an accident." She said quietly. My anger boiled up, finally giving me some emotion to feel.

"Do you really think that less of me that I would believe that?" I half yelled at her. She didn't even flinch. But her eyes did dart towards the door. "Bella," I tried again, calming myself, "please tell me."

"why should I tell you Edward?" she cried at me, breaking her careful mask too, "it's not like you're telling me truth either!" she was crying, tears streaming down her face, I couldn't for the life of me understand what she was going on about, I felt my brow furrow,

"I haven't lied to you." I managed to bark out. She scoffed and looked at me,

"Then what were you doing out the other night when you picked me up?"

I froze again; she had caught up on my lie. And it was a lie. I _had_ lied to Bella. I shook my head,

"I told you I was out for a drive." It hurt me a little more than it should to lie to her, she laughed bitterly,

"Right okay. Then, I fell down the stairs." She said defiantly. I stood up from the bed and paced the room angrily. She was blatantly lying to me, and she wasn't even trying to make it sound like the truth. I felt my fingers clutch at my hair, pulling it to calm myself. She watched me carefully. I had to know how she had been marked so badly, and I knew there were no stairs involved. And I knew the only way I would get her to tell me is if I told her the truth. But how could I? How can you tell someone who is so pure and innocent, that you were going to kill yourself? I couldn't bring myself to do it, and yet I had to.

I chuckled harshly and stopped my pacing; she was still crying when I turned back to her, her expression was livid. I briefly contemplated leaving the room, but I knew I couldn't.

"You really want to know what I was doing?" I asked quietly, desperately trying to tell her with my eyes to say no, to tell me to get out. But she nodded, her face losing its anger. It broke me. My own eyes welled up with tears, I hadn't cried in weeks. I walked over to her bed and sat down next to her, she shifted her weight and I looked down at my lap, "I was driving," I took a deep breath, the tears escaping my eyes as I turned my head away from her. "I was driving to the bridge, I was going to drive off it," I heard her gasp quietly and I closed the sentence grimly, "I was going to kill myself."

I heard her sob and then felt her throw her arms around my neck,

"Oh Edward!" she cried into my shoulder. I was stunned. I didn't move back, I didn't ask her to let go. I didn't want her to. I circled my arms around her and buried my face in her hair, inhaling deeply. My chest contracted and I sobbed into her. she tightened her grip and so did I, pulling her closer and nuzzling her with my face, she smelt like strawberries and flowers, it was calming me, pulling me out of my sudden lapse in emotional control. it felt so nice to be held by someone, it felt so relieving to actually admit it, rather than hide it. it hurt that Bella was the one I openly told, I didn't want her to hate me, I didn't want her to tell me I was stupid and I certainly never wanted her to pity me. But she didn't. She was holding me, comforting me. And I didn't even realise I needed it until it was happening. But I was coming back down to earth. I remembered painfully her bruises. I needed to know.

"Bella," I whispered into her hair. "What happened to your arms, Bella?" she loosened her grip and her arms slid slowly until just her wrists hung on my shoulder, she pulled her head back and she was biting her lip. We were about a foot apart when her arms dropped from me and she circled her torso again.

"It's not important Edward, it was just..."

"Bella, you arms are covered in bruises," I pointed out,

"It's not just my arms," she sniffled quietly, my heart contracted.

"What?" my voice was barely audible, but she heard and shook a little,

"Promise me something," she said firmly, she looked up at me and I nodded, she bit her lip, clearly needing a little more from me.

"Anything," I said,

"You can't go to my dad, Edward. He thinks I'm with my mother, you can't tell him or the police or anyone, this stays between me and you and doesn't leave this room, can you promise that?"

"Your dad?" I asked quietly, my mind still running through everything that she was making me promise, she nodded her head,

"My dad is Charlie swan, police chief of Forks Washington," she said chuckling darkly. My mind was flying through everything she was saying. Her dad was the police chief here? And I was keeping her in my house. Hiding her when she had told him she was going to her mothers. Fuck. I had to keep that information secret anyway. I knew exactly what Carlisle would do to her, he would tell Charlie where she was, if only to put his mind at rest, but I had a feeling that's not what she wanted. But then what about her mother? Would she not be surprised when Bella never turned up? If she had told her at all. I was so confused.

"Bella, what will happen when you don't turn up at your mothers?"

She shook her head knowingly, "my mom and dad don't speak, ever. She thinks I'm there, and if she calls my cell I'll answer and say I'm still there. My dad wont dare phone my mom, not after what happened"

"What happened?" I asked, remembering her marks, and the prospect of there being more.

"Promise me?" she said again,

"I promise."

She shut her eyes tightly and took a shaky breath,

"My boyfriend did this, well my ex boyfriend." My eyes widened in anger and I felt my body heat up. Her boyfriend had hurt her? Someone she trusted? Someone had deliberately harmed her. "he thought I was cheating on him or something, we got into an argument and he hit me, when I went to my dad, he asked if I had fallen again, you know how clumsy I am," she chuckled and my eyes snapped toward her, seriously worrying about her mental health, "well he wouldn't believe that Jake had done this, he even said I did it myself to get him in trouble. We had a huge argument and I told him I was leaving, Jake pulled up at the house and tried to stop me, but they eventually let me go. My truck broke down about a twenty minute walk from the bridge," her eyes shot up at me, "and I knew Jacob would come looking for me, so I couldn't stay in there so I got out and walked." She took a deep breath and looked back down at her lap, everything was silent for a while, i was juat absorbing everything she was saying to me, painfully. "Edward?" she whispered.

"Yes?"

It was all I was able to say, my mind was still reeling, and my anger hadn't subsided one bit. The irrational urge to throttle this Jacob was strong.

"Were you really going to kill yourself?" she said sadly, my eyes closed, my heart clenched painfully when I knew I had to confirm it,

"yes." I whispered,

"Why didn't you?" I opened my eyes, and took a deep shakey breath,

"Because I nearly ran this crazy girl over." I smiled at her; she looked back up at me and smiled back.

"Crazy?"

"Yup, total nut job," I smiled

"Well I'm so glad you almost ran me over then." She rolled her eyes and I laughed at her, such a light hearted gesture at the conversation we had just had. It seemed that my anger hadn't completely vanished but I could at least put her at ease. Laughing was still so strange to me; I wasn't used to it yet. But I had a feeling that I would as long as Bella was with me. Our chuckles died and she fiddled with her sleeve.

"Bella, this is assault, you need to tell someone." I said grimly, not wanting to drag us both back into the sadness but needing to get some things out. She shook her head vehemently; I took her hands off her sleeves. "Well you at least need to tell someone you're here. Like your father? He might understand."

"he won't!" she half yelled at me, I squeezed her hands, and she looked at me, her eyes were filling with tears, "he won't, no one will, Edward, they think I did this to myself, they even told me I needed help, professional help. And Jacob stood there, letting Charlie say all those things, telling him that he hadn't laid a hand on me. And he did, he did it all." She was full on sobbing, her body shaking with her cries as she rambled. I couldn't help myself, I pulled her into my arms and her hands wound up my back, clutching my shirt. She sniffed and pressed her face into my chest,

"Maybe you should tell Carlisle, he's a doctor Bella, he could help" I whispered, knowing she would protest. She shook her head like I knew she would.

"I cant, Edward he would tell my father." I went to say that he wouldn't, but he would, it's just the type of person he was.

The room fell silent and I tried to accept the fact that I was the only one allowed to know this secret, a secret I wished I could say I didn't know. And yet I was glad someone did know. I knew I felt marginally better with Bella knowing my secret; I wanted Bella to have that kind of peace of mind. If I couldn't tell anyone else I would provide that for her. She shifted her head and looked up at me,

"So do you want to tell me what you're doing here?" she smiled, her eyes connecting with mine, their depth pulling me again. I racked my brain trying to remember what I was doing there, and I remembered my restlessness.

"I couldn't sleep." I chuckled again.

"Me either," She laughed and dropped her head, "do you want to stay in here for a bit?" she whispered, I opened my mouth to say something, I wasn't really sure what. So I shut it again and she back looked up at me. I nodded, knowing at least that this is where I wanted to be. She took a deep breath and the room sort of charged again, this was becoming a habit or ours, and I had no fucking idea what it meant. I had no idea what I was even feeling when I was with her. Her eyes glistened. And she leant her head back into my chest sighing.

***sigh***

**well review me and let me know what you thought...next up is a sweet little chapter...**


	6. You killed her card house?

**So here a nice little chapter....fluff is fun :) **

I woke up to find Bella's back pressed against my chest. I nuzzled her hair and my grip around her waist tightened.

"Morning then." She said cheerfully, was it morning already? I lifted my head from her scent and looked over at the clock, quarter to nine. Was I just getting up earlier and earlier these days? She snuggled back against me and I sighed, figuring fifteen more minutes wouldn't be bad. Everything had been thrown out last night, and me and Bella were standing on a strange little edge. I didn't have a clue what it meant, but I just wanted to stay on it for as long as possible. "Breakfast will be ready soon." She whispered. I snuggled further into her back and she giggled.

"Just five more minutes?" I pleaded into her back, trying to shy away from the light that was forcing its way into my eyes. I didn't want to be coherent at this time in the morning I wanted to sleep some more.

"Fine," she sighed, but quickly swivelled round so that she was on her back and I my forehead was pressed into the top of her arm. I groaned and pulled the quilt over my head. She giggled and pulled her head under it too, "what are you doing?" she asked curiously. I half sat up and ran my hands up and down her sides, tickling her,

"What am I doing? What am I doing?" she started screaming and pleading for me to stop, the blanket was kicked off of us from her efforts to get free and I laughed at her, stopping abruptly and jumping out of the bed. I ran my hand through my hair and she sat up on the bed, glaring at me, even though she was extremely breathless. What on earth possessed me to do that? Whatever it was I liked it. It was nice to be impulsive and spontaneous with Bella.

And the atmosphere had changed between us, somehow. The edge was slipping away. We were becoming more than whatever the hell we were before. And quickly, it was like i felt a strange urge just be near her.

"Oh I will get my revenge." She threatened darkly; I just chuckled at her and bowed my body low, bidding my farewell dramatically,

"I look forward to it." I smiled, before ducking out of her door and walking slowly to my own room. I put my shoes on and pulled a jacket off the sofa and went out for my run.

I loved running. It let me think clearly. And get a lot of frustration out. As I passed the first fringe of trees I thought of Bella, but I had been doing that a lot. It was strange, I had known her less than a week and I was aware of her completely.

I remembered last night and my mood darkened. Her bruises, her ex boyfriend, her father. These were people she was supposed to trust, and they abandoned her. And hurt her. She was hurt. Those bruises looked painful and the finger shaped ones just made me feel physically sick. She had told me what happened, trusted me. I wondered how hard that must have been for her. And then I knew, because I had to tell her that I wanted to kill myself. I had to tell her for her to tell me. I shook my head and I heard the leaves above me patter. It must be raining I thought to myself. I took the roundabout route to the little clearing I had found on my first week here.

I was wandering aimlessly and found a little meadow about seven miles from a trail, and the trail wasn't used often either; it was nice, quiet, peaceful. I had spent nearly the whole week there, lapping up the sun, the rain, the cloud. Whatever the sky gave me.

I entered the meadow and I was right. The rain was falling from the sky. It wasn't too heavy but still dampened my shoulders, face and hair, while I stood there. I took a deep breath and Bella entered my mind again. Maybe I could bring her here? One day maybe. Hell I was letting her in I might as well show her the few good things in my life. A few birds flew away from the top of the trees and I looked down at my watch, it was half past nine. Breakfast time. And I was in the middle of the forest.

I was eager to get back, so I practically bolted from my peaceful spot back into the trees, following the all too familiar pathway. That was something else I didn't understand. Why did I want to be close to her? I'd even settle for being in the same room as her. She was sort of addictive.

After a good twenty minutes the house came into full view. I was breathless and looked at my watch, that's a new record for me, I thought, smiling hugely and pulling the front door open. I walked into the kitchen and my eyes fell on Bella instantly, she looked sad. I furrowed my brows, and leant on the counter, Esme handed me a bottle of water of the fridge, smiling at me, and the family's eyes shot up from the table,

"Edward! We thought you'd gone back to your old routine." Emmett chuckled. I took a swig of water and shook my head.

"Nope I'm an early bird now." I smiled hugely and looked over at Bella, she was smiling now. I wondered what was making her upset earlier, fuck it. She's happy enough now.

I stayed over by the counter eating the fresh toast that Esme made for me; everyone else had finished but were sitting around the table laughing with each other. I noticed Bella choose to draw back from the conversation. I don't know why I was watching her, but my eyes would just drift to her form, sitting back in the chair, watching Alice and Emmett talk and just smiling and nodding when they addressed her. I wondered if it was something to do with last night. With her bruises. But she had seemed perfectly comfortable with them yesterday. I couldn't work her out.

Was it because I knew? Did she think I was going to tell someone?

I really wanted to. I needed to know if she was okay, but she seemed alright. Still the urge for her to see a doctor was confusingly strong. But I would respect her wishes. And if she thought she could trust me enough by telling me, then I wouldn't prove her wrong. I would keep the secret. Even if it pissed me off.

So why was she so withdrawn?

Alice and Emmett got up, went to do separate things, I wasn't really paying attention to their conversation, and Esme gave me an affectionate squeeze as she left the kitchen too. But Bella didn't move, she sighed loudly and looked up at me from her chair. I needed to reassure her I suppose, so before she could say anything I went over to sit next to her.

"Im not going to tell anyone Bella, I told you last night I wouldn't."

She smiled shyly, "I know that. But you weren't here this morning I kinda panicked a little, and I just have some trust issues, you know?" she waved her hand dismissively,

Okay that made me angry. Not at her. I don't even think I could be angry at her. But at her father, and her Jacob. He had done this to her, her 'trust issues' were their fault. My water was open and I was squeezing it without realising it. It spilt a little over my hand and she giggled.

I shook the water off my hand and smiled at her, trying my damndest to put her at ease.

"Bella you know you can trust me," I said, screwing the lid on my bottle, watching it instead of Bella, in case my statement was a little inappropriate. It did sound a little too intense, but I couldn't fucking help it. I put my water on the table and chanced a look at her. She was already looking at me, smiling. I sighed in relief and I felt her hand lace her fingers into mine. My head tilted to the side and gazed at her. Her fingers tightened, and I realised I was pretty much limp in her grasp. I curled my fingers around hers and she looked down,

"Do you have any idea how strange that feels?" she stretched her fingers and then squeezed me again, to emphasise her point. Yeah I did. More than she knows. I hadn't been this close to a person, emotionally, in...Well ever. I just nodded solemnly. The room fell silent and we just sat there, looking at our clasped hands. I didn't know what it meant and frankly I didn't care. It was just...nice to be with someone like this. To just talk, or even not say a word. I was calm and sort of blissed out just being with Bella.

"Right I think I have everything already, I just need to set up Bella." Esme's voice came floating into the kitchen; I broke our hands apart and stood up from the table. I knew it would look a little weird to Esme. I grabbed my water and looked down at Bella, confused by Esme's words. She had a look of hurt on her face, which just confused me even more.

Esme walked into the room and Bella composed her face, I turned quickly so she didn't know I was watching her and she laughed a little, "Everything?" she questioned light-heartedly. She brushed past me and Esme started getting out flour and eggs and bowls and sugar.

Baking.

I smiled at the two girls fussing over which kind of things to make and I excused myself. I needed to shower and get dressed.

The whole fucking situation with Bella was strange, too strange. I didn't have a clue why I felt this way towards her, hell I didn't have a clue what I was feeling.

I just let my mind skim through every little thing she had said, every stupid game, and every stupid smile. And her face after I pulled my hand away. Was she feeling as confused as I was, was she feeling the strange feelings I was feeling too? I growled in frustration. It would be so much easier if I could read her mind, or something. Just a little indication as to what was going on her head. Maybe it could help me straighten some things out myself. I turned off the shower a little more forcefully than I should have, and shut the door with the same force, making the glass quiver.

I threw on a random outfit that I had bought yesterday, and walked down the stairs. I heard giggling and knew it was Bella at once; her voice was too easily distinguishable. I walked into the kitchen and Esme was doubled over in silent laughs, clutching a flour covered hand across her stomach, Bella had flour on her hair and over her face and was laughing too. She swivelled in her seat and her eyes clocked mine. I smiled and raised my eyebrows.

"I thought we had too much flour in the bowl, so she..." she gestured to her head. I laughed when she shook it and a white mist surrounded her. I sat on the kitchen table, folding my arms when they stopped laughing, cleaned up and actually got down to the baking. Esme baking was a nice thing. One of the many things I was beginning to realise I liked. She was so content in her work. So happy that she was creating something useful with her hands. And Emmett was always happy there were new confectionary for him to try.

Bella gradually got the hint when Esme took over for her, whisking the mixture twice as fast as what Bella was doing. She raised her hands in surrender and walked towards me. She leant against the table with me and folded her arms.

"Are you guys just going to stand there staring at me?" Esme asked, without taking her eyes off the bowl in front of her. Bella chuckled and apologised, grabbing my arm and pulling me out of the kitchen. That girl has some strength. I followed her into the sitting room and she let me go, plonking down on the sofa. She patted the seat next to her and I complied obediently. She smiled and put her hand in mine again. I curled my hand around hers and she sighed. Why the hell did it feel so natural?

"So Edward, what do you want to do today?"

I shrugged and she scoffed. "Do you have any board games?" she said after a few minutes. I rattled through my head. I think the only thing we had close to a board game was chess.

"Chess?" she grimaced and shook her head.

"Cards?" she asked, okay those we had. I pulled my hand from her reluctantly and went over to the shelves by the TV. There were a pack of cards there. I turned back around and Bella was putting two cushions on the floor.

We played card games for hours, both of us ending up on our stomachs, she kept throwing her cards at me when she lost, and even accused me of cheating. Alice came in after the first hour and pretty much left us to it. After the seventh game of 'Black Jack', Bella threw her cards down and pouted at me. I saw that in her hand that all she had was 4's and 8's. I laughed and put my own cards face down, no need to let her see my 2's and Jack's. No such luck, she reached over and flipped them over, scowling at them. And then at me. As if it were my fault, she dealt!

"I don't like this game." she growled playfully, pushing my cards under the rest of the deck.

"Okay what game now?"

She seemed to deliberate, and then smiled widely and shook the cards all over the place. I laughed and raised my eyebrows at her.

"Let's build a house of cards instead?" I laughed and dropped my head. She moved the cards over onto a messy pile and picked up two. I watched her as she bit her lip in concentration, she gradually let go of the two sides when she had placed them together and smiled in triumph when they stayed up. She reached for two more and did the same. Just as she got to the top of the precariously balanced pyramid, it wobbled and she drew her hands back quickly. I couldn't help but laugh.

It toppled over,

"Edward!" she moaned, throwing her arms up in the air.

"Me?!" I laughed even more. "I didn't do that."

"You breathed on it." she moaned, I laughed at her and she pushed herself up.

"What happened?" Alice came walking in; eating what looked like a cupcake.

"I had a really good card house going and Edward breathed on it!" Bella explained.

"I did not."

"You killed her card house?" Alice asked feigning horror.

"I did not, it fell on its own, it was badly built." I got up and folded my arms, defending myself. A cushion whacked into my face and Alice burst into hysterics. "What the...?"

"It was not badly built." Bella squared her shoulders, clearly the one who threw the cushion. My mouth was hanging open and she started laughing, I took my opportunity and threw the cushion back across the room and it hit her arm. Alice laughed even more and walked out of the room, calling Esme.

Bella looked at me shocked and she held the cushion over her head, threatening to throw it.

"You threw a cushion at me?" she asked incredulously,

"You threw it at me first." I pointed out,

"Bella! Edward! Do you want a cupcake?" Esme shouted in, I could hear the humour in her voice. I stood from my knees with my hand held towards Bella, warning her not to throw it at me; she sighed and put her arms down. I smiled smugly at her and walked out of the room.

But the cushion hit the back of my head and I stopped mid stride. Bella walked past me and into the kitchen. She looked back and stuck her tongue out. Esme handed her a cake and she ate it cheerily, sitting down in one of the kitchen chairs. I picked one of them up and started eating it smiling hugely to myself, and ignoring the stares from both Esme and Alice.

**for-the-record...the game 'Black Jack' they played is not '21'...its really the only card game I personally can play :S...so I put it in there :)**

**and review me....lets me know how I'm doing.... :)**


	7. And in that second I knew

**So this Chapter is one of _my_ fav's and is a verrrrrrrry important one in the EXB relationship...YAY relationship!!**

Was it wrong that I sat on my bed wanting her? I couldn't even bring myself to put my head to the pillow knowing that she wouldn't be resting her head next to me. This was insane. I ran my fingers through my hair and shook it, as if to shake the thoughts out. I stood up and paced my room. It was like I couldn't think; I couldn't rest when she wasn't near me.

The walls threatened to crush me but I glared at them and pulled my hair tighter, actually causing me pain. I hissed and dropped my hands, my heart beat accelerated and I watched as my hand shook. I closed my eyes and drew in a shaky breath.

"No," I spoke out loud, "no, I'll be fine."

I wouldn't be fine, I wouldn't ever be fine. I was stuck in this continuing loop, this stupid circle that pulled me down every fucking time. And I hated it. I felt the angry tears prickle at the corners of my eyes. I will not cry.

I kicked the plastic bin that was near my feet and scrunched up bits of paper and rubbish flew into the air. The bin bounced off the wall and I stared at it. Stupid circles. I hated them. And the worst part? Bella was still in my brain. She was still there. Taunting me with her good spirit and the way she would still smile at me even though she knew how fucked up I was. The way I couldn't help but smile when she was with me, the way I would have to stifle a chuckle in front of my family so they wouldn't look at me as if I were insane. I hated that I was gradually becoming more and more involved with Bella. I knew I would just drag her down, I would fucking kill her good spirit and her beautiful tolerance.

My hands felt their way up to my hair again and I pulled it lighter than before, calming my sore scalp and my sore mind. I needed a shower.

The hot water calmed me some, my breathing at least was normal, my heart relaxed into a steady tempo. I took a deep breath and closed my eyes, pulling my head under the spray and stayed there, letting the water cascade down me.

I got out and roughly pulled on my sweat pants, running the towel over my body and through my hair. the mirror was steamed up and I just wiped my hand across it, I stared at my own reflection. my hair was dripping down my neck, its usual mess even messier due to the half wet condition it was in. I huffed and brushed my teeth, not bothering to look in the mirror again before I left the bathroom.

I stopped dead in my tracks.

Bella was in my room. Just standing there reading the titles of my CD's. I thought about clearing my throat and my mouth opened to say something but I shut it and shook my head, trying to figure out what the hell she was doing in here. She giggled and touched something on the shelf. I felt my feet shuffle nervously and her head whipped in my direction.

"Oh!" she jumped and put her hand on her chest, closing her eyes. When she opened them I was still stood still, not moving at all. I was about to say something again but I watched her eyes fall down my attire, she blushed furiously and I remembered I wasn't in anything but a pair of sweat pants. I looked around the room and there was a t-shirt on the sofa. I casually walked over and pulled it over my head, shaking my hand through my still damp hair.

"So you broke into my room because?" I smiled, looking at her. She seemed to snap out of whatever she was thinking and smiled hugely,

"It kind of looks like someone beat me to it actually." She said looking pointedly around. I followed her eyes and there were paper balls and random bits of the bin contents all over the floor and on the desk. I grimaced, remembering my fit earlier and went about picking everything up. She leant down and retrieved the bin and helped me fill it.

"Thanks,"

"No problem, what happened?" she smiled and I flinched. I really didn't want to tell her, but I couldn't help myself, the weight of the secret panic attacks could be relieved, and I think she was the only person in the whole world I would be able to trust with it.

"I flipped out." I tried to sum up the whole confusing exchange me and the bin had earlier. She furrowed her brows and sat on the sofa, patting the leather beside her. I took a deep breath and I felt my lips curve in a smile; she wanted me to sit with her? I could do that. Right?

"Flipped out?" she asked sceptically, "about what?"

I wasn't going to tell her that. One step at a time.

"I just sort of," I paused and she looked at me reassuringly, I just snapped, the floodgates opening and it all poured out, my frustration, my self loathing, everything fell out, "I was thinking and then it was like I can't breathe and I got shaky and I just needed _something_ so I just kicked it, it wasn't anything dire, just a bin, but when I wind up that tightly, I just dont think everything should be here, I shouldn't be here. When I cant seem to get out of the stupid darkness and everything suffocates me I just..." I felt her hand squeeze mine and I looked down at it, taking deep breaths,

"Flip out?" she finished, I laughed breathlessly, sort of euphoric from my outburst, and closed my eyes,

"Exactly."

"Does that...happen often?" I raised my head, my eyes still closed,

"yes." I answered honestly; she squeezed my hand again,

"Edward?" she seemed hesitant about something, my eyes opened and she was looking at me, biting her lip,

"Yes?"

"Are you seeing anyone about that? About your...depression?"

My face fell and I pulled away from her hand. I wanted to stand up and walk away from her, but it was like I was glued to this spot, that I couldn't move even if I wanted to, instead I just shook my head grimly.

"Do you think that maybe you should?" she whispered, I laughed bitterly and ran my hand up to my hair, "maybe someone could help you."

"No one can help Bella." I snapped, my hand tightening in my hair,

"Well how do you know?" she asked, her voice controlled and quiet,

"Because I've tried it before!" I half cried, she flinched a little, and I felt my breathing increase. I needed to calm myself down. I felt my hand pull at my scalp, hurting me like I hurt myself earlier, just the memory of the therapist Carlisle had sent me to before, was cutting away at me, the way he looked down at me and told Carlisle that it was a phase that I would work it out myself. When he told him I was doing it for attention. And seeing Carlisle's face shake in disappointment at me. His face with shock and despair when I didn't grow out of it, when I got worse and he told me I needed to see another doctor. His tears when I shouted at him, told him that nothing could help me, Esme's sobs as I tried to run, tried to leave. But they begged me to stay.

I felt a hand curl around my wrist and I released my fingers, soft hands were pushing my damp hair back, soothing my scalp. I opened my eyes and she was looking at me, no pity in her eyes, no fear, no sadness that I practically yelled at her. Just concern, concern and something else. But I couldn't place it; I could only feel her hands in my hair, see her eyes staring into mine.

"Okay, but let's stop doing this, I'm sure you like your hair attached to your head." I laughed shakily and she pulled her arm around me, I collapsed into her. I was so fucking feeble, and so tired. She leant back and I went with her, my head rested on her shoulder and her fingers were soothing my head and her other was rubbing circles on my back.

"I'm sorry." I mumbled, turning my head into her, inhaling. She shushed me and I draped my arm around her, cuddling her tightly as she held me. It felt weird, being circled by her small arms, but I felt strangely safe. I squeezed her and lifted my head. She smiled at me and rested my chin on her shoulder, I remembered when I had held her like this. And I wondered if she had felt the same in my arms. Her eyes stayed closed for a little longer on her next blink, "Are you tired?" I whispered, scared that if I spoke at normal volume the moment would be lost. And I wasn't even sure what kind of moment we were in. She nodded and blinked a little slower than normal. "Do you want to go to bed?" I asked sadly, I didn't want her to leave just yet; I wanted to stay here for a little longer. She shook her head and opened her eyes wide, defiantly trying to stave off sleep. I chuckled and sat up, glancing at the clock it was nearly half one in the morning. Her arms fell from me and I saw her eyes close again.

I don't know what I was doing, I just knew that my arm was curling around her shoulder, and I was pulling her against my chest. Reversing the position we had been in a couple of minutes ago. She hummed and turned into me, bringing her knees up on the sofa. Her little fingers curled around my shirt like they had done last night and she sighed. It wasn't long until her breath slowed and she was sleeping.

I don't know why I didn't just carry her to own room, but something inside me wanted to see this girl in my bed. To see her wrapped in the sheets, as if she were mine. I lay her down gently and pulled the dark comforter over her, she rolled onto her side, facing me and cupped her hands up by her chest. She looked so peaceful.

Her hair fell over her face and my hand moved out without my permission, smoothing it back. Her hair was so soft, I hoped I would never get used to it. Ever. She smiled in her sleep and cuddled further into the blankets. I was mesmerised.

I remembered how she bought me out of my dark moods how I could confide in her, and how the air kind of fizzled when we were together. It confused me to no end and yet I wouldn't give it up for the world, as long as I could see Bella, as long as I could bathe in her company I would feel all this confusion. I would take it all. And I would love every bit of it.

And in that second I knew.

It hit me harder than anything else had hit me in my life. I loved this girl. I loved Bella.

My thoughts turned dark when I thought about what this meant. There was nothing I could do to keep away from her now. She was here. Infecting every molecule of my body, every breath that swirled out onto her sleeping form.

I knew I loved her, yet I knew she couldn't love me. I sighed loudly, running my fingers through her hair once more, remembering how her hands had soothed it, I scooted up onto the bed next to her. She couldn't love me, but she would stay with me, I knew that much. We had a bond. An unbreakable bond, and though I felt that mine to her would be unmistakably thicker than hers to me, I knew that it would hurt her if I wasn't here.

That thought was hurting me. But, as long as I kept quiet, kept my feelings to myself, there would be no danger of her falling. She would be free to use me as she pleased. I was surprised that I was okay with that. I would take her affection, friendly affection. I would take however close she would allow me to be. But I would not make her feel guilty about her inability to love me, by telling her my feelings, and she wouldn't feel the need to leave because she was hurting me. And to be honest I understood that she couldn't love me, and it bothered me a little, but I was satisfied with the thought of being able to love her.

But she couldn't love me after all, no one could.

I smiled to myself bitterly, cuddling closer to the object of my searing devotion. She was so warm, and I could feel her breath fanning across my arm. She moved into me again, subconsciously finding me out. Her fingers found their place on my shirt and she nuzzled me with her face,

No I wouldn't tell her. But I would selfishly lap her up.

***sigh* Ah Edward....**

**Well....if you liked this chapter....review me...lol....**


	8. You like Bella

**I know it's annoying but Edward doesnt really get the whole 'Bella feels the same way' **

***shrug* thats just how its going to go...For now anyway. :)**

**And as for WHY Edward is depressed..._he_ will explain why he thinks it is...later...kay?**

I woke up before Bella, and I got a chance to watch her a little more while she slept. She looked utterly peaceful. I almost couldn't bear waking her up, but as nine o'clock approached, I knew I should just get it over with. She hummed a little when my hand touched her skin, and tried to snuggle closer to me.

"Bella, time to get up." I chuckled; she opened her eyes and sat up quickly.

"What am I doing in...?" she began but shook her head and smiled, "forget it." I laughed and she swatted me across my chest. I leant back against the headboard and she stretched her jumper clad arms above her head. She rolled out of the bed and tried to pull down the tangle on top of her head. She groaned and glared at me,

"What?" I asked. I was still on a sort of high from last night. I had this new feeling coursing through me and I felt completely at ease with Bella, like she truly was mine and I was hers. Even though I knew she could never be. Even that thought didn't make me angry, I was too...happy.

"Your bed is way too comfy." She explained, yawning and starting towards the door, I was laughing when she turned to glare at me again and shut the door behind her.

She was so adorable. And I could think it without feeling guilty, because I loved her. I was allowed to think she was adorable, and she was. I stretched and shook my hand through my hair. I smiled to myself at my new feelings, and practically jumped out of the bed.

I walked down the stairs and sat across from Bella, as usual. Esme smiled at me, and Emmett chuckled, I guess they weren't quite used to me being downstairs, I wasn't even used to it yet, but I had other things on my mind, other things I was adjusting to. Like the fact that I was sitting opposite the girl I loved, and I would have to, every morning. That thought alone put a huge smile on my face as I bit into my toast.

"What's with you this morning?" Alice asked me, I looked up and swallowed the bite I had in my mouth,

"I just slept well," I answered, I chuckled and I saw Bella blush and look down. I loved that blush, it was just so...Bella. I looked over at her and she lifted her eyes, she looked sort of defiant. I stifled a chuckle, "did you sleep well Bella?" I asked across the table, taking another bite of toast and looking back at her innocently. Her mouth was open a little and her eyes wide. She snapped it shut before anyone could see and she smiled at me,

"Yes actually I did, I had a lovely dream." She smiled and bit into her toast too. I stifled a chuckle,

"Well I didn't, I was tossing and turning all night." Alice huffed; Bella turned to her, reluctantly breaking eye contact with me and asked her what was wrong.

I pretty much spent the whole breakfast thinking about what Bella could have dreamed of, I didnt really remember my dreams, there was so little to remember, it wasn't really like I was sleeping at all, like I was in more of a trance. The thought of her being able to recall a dream was fascinating, I wanted to know what she remembered, I wanted to know what was going on her head. She flicked her hair behind her shoulder and I wanted to run my hands through it, I wanted to push it back for her, and trace my fingertips down her skin.

I shook my head; I couldn't touch her, not yet at least. But I hoped that soon I could, maybe she would let me. Maybe she would let me show her affection. Alice stood up from the table and Bella followed, I stacked the paltes like I had done every morning and I noticed that Emmett was still sitting down, his arms folded behind his head.

"I'm not as oblivious as you think." He said quietly, I looked over at him and lifted his plate from in front of him.

"Hmm?" I asked, not quite sure what he was on about,

"I mean Alice is usually the one to spot this kind of thing but..."

"what are you going on about Emmett?" I asked, my tone a tad curt, he smiled and leaned forward, resting his arms on the table,

"You...like...Bella." he said slowly, I felt my heartbeat increase, "and she likes you." He finished, I felt my tongue dart out to lick my lip and I shook my head nervously.

"You're wrong," I said calmly smiling at him; I picked up the plates and walked over to the sink. How the hell did Emmett guess that? If he only knew how much more than 'liking' it was.

"Am I?" he said confidently, of course he was, Bella doesn't like me like that. I was her friend.

"Bella doesn't like me like that." I said grimly, I knew that would have tipped him off about the first part of his statement but honestly I didn't care. I just thought about how much I wanted her to.

"But you like her?" he asked, I heard him get up and walk over to me, I wrung me hands on the cloth and looked at him, leaning on the counter.

"And if I did? It wouldn't make a difference." He chuckled and copied my position.

"You really can't see it?" he asked smiling at me,

"See what Em?" his cryptic little remarks were starting to get to me.

"They way she looks at you, the little things you say to each other, it's pretty obvious." He said matter-of-factly, I shook my head, "where did Bella sleep last night?" he asked knowingly. Hell no, I wasn't answering that question.

"I'm going for my run Emmett," I said, dodging the question and walking past him, he chuckled but saluted me childishly on my way out. I yanked my jacket on and opened the front door. As soon as I hit the trees she filled my head. She always did. But now Emmett was swimming in there too, 'Cant you see it?'

See what? There was nothing to see. She didn't like me like that, end of story. But what about when she smiles at me? Or holds my hand? Or when I have my arms wrapped around her? No. It was friendly affection. Just because I love her I should read too much into her touches, her smiles, her giggles, her hugs. I argued with myself for a good twenty minutes, telling myself over and over that Bella was interested in me.

I hit the edge of the meadow and I looked up, it was cloudy, but not raining. I sighed and went to sit over on the damp fall tree at the far edge.

What if she was interested in me? What would I do? Could I be with her? Could I love her when she couldn't love me? Could I even tell her? I growled in frustration and ran my fingers through my hair. This was insane. I could just chase my thoughts in circles all day, all night, all fucking week. I still wouldn't know what she wanted. A thousand different scenarios played out before my eyes, a thousand ways for me to be hers. I wanted each and every one of them, but it would be useless without truly knowing what it was that she wanted. And I knew I would give her whatever that was.

I watched the rain start to fall from the sky, the time was flying by as I sat on that tree and wondered about Bella. I imagined myself picking her up and spinning her round, to cuddle her tightly, I imagined how it would feel to just press my lips onto hers, to fell her sigh against me. I imagined getting out my piano and showing her how I felt, playing her songs I had abandoned. I missed my piano.

She was opening my eyes to too much, to everything that I liked here. The things I wanted, the things I missed. She was showing me them all, without even realising it.

If she was showing me them, maybe I could show her? Show her my piano, my meadow, my thoughts, my feelings, my affection. If she would let me.

My whole body sang at that thought, and I smiled to myself. I looked down at my watch and noticed it was nearly half four, I had been here for hours, just sitting here, watching the rain, and thinking about Bella. I stood up and stretched my limbs; I was stiff from sitting there all day.

"Stupid brain." I muttered to myself, once I was sure I wasn't going to double over half way through my journey from cramp, I started jogging. Emmett popped into my head again, him and his observance, why was it, that this one time, he was smart enough to notice something like this? And yet most of the time he was oblivious to most of the things that went on. And he said about Alice, if it was obvious to Emmett, why hadn't Alice called up on it? She usually pushed me forwards into things that were swaying me from my depression, however rare they were.

Like when I found that book in the attic, she passed me in the hallway and I laughed at something on the page, she all but tackled me to the ground with her hugs and went out and bought me a whole collection. Or when I met Tanya, she thought I was happy with her, when all she did was occupy my time for a while. I grimaced when I thought of Tanya, of touching her, of kissing her. It seemed strange. I don't know what the hell I was thinking. I laughed to myself as I approached the lawn. Even Tanya couldn't get me down right now; I was less than twenty feet from Bella.

I opened the door breathlessly and I glanced towards the living room, expecting to see Emmett or Alice, or even Bella, but there was no one. I peered round into the kitchen and it was the same, empty. I shrugged, maybe they are out.

I walked up the stairs, a little down that I couldn't see Bella. I got to the top of the stairs and heard a faint voice; I pretty much knew it was Bella at once. It sounded like she was humming. I got closer to the door and leaned into it silently, she_ was_ humming. Stifled a chuckle and pressed my ear to the door, she stopped humming abruptly and I stepped back, afraid she had caught me. I thought about quickstepping towards my room.

The door opened slowly, and I pretty much froze.

"Edward?" she asked, quietly. I opened my mouth to say something but nothing really came out so I lifted my hand and waved once, sighing and smiling. She laughed and leant on the doorframe, "when did you get back?"

"A couple of minutes ago. I thought everyone was out."

"They are." She confirmed, "Alice and Jasper are at some kind of double date with Em and Rose. And Esme is shopping I think. Did you have a nice run?"

I shrugged and she laughed, "you will have to take me one day." I looked up at her, had I not thought earlier about bringing her to the meadow? I shook my head and smiled at her.

"I would love to; there is a really nice place I know." Hell, I might as well.

We stood there in silence for a few seconds, and I felt that strange electricity again, crackling in the air. It sizzled between us.

"Well I'm just going to...shower, so..." she seemed to snap away from the charged atmosphere too, and she nodded, stepping back into her room. I turned away from her and walked the short distance to my room, I heard her door shut and I opened my own.

When Alice got back she was more hyper than usual, practically buzzing. Emmett said he was going to bed early, at only half ten. It wasn't like Emmett at all. But he did give me and Bella a knowing glance as we sat next to each other on the sofa. Bella didn't catch it, but I did. We sat together and watched a film in the sitting room, I tried not to think about how strange it was, and I tried not to stare at Bella the whole time. Neither one was I successful at.

It was strange how I had just thrown myself into my family's routine, their activities, but none of them seemed to pay much attention to it, or they did a good job in hiding it. And Bella would tuck her hair behind her ear, or laugh silently, or even look towards me. It was hard not to watch her, she was so...watchable.

Once I had stalked upstairs, tired enough to sleep, she followed. Not three steps behind me. she had stopped me and hugged me before opening her door to her room and shutting it behind her. Now as I shut my door behind me, her scent was swirling around in my head. I could feel her warm little arms around me, as she whispered her goodnight into my shoulder. I sighed loudly and changed out of my jeans, swapping them for sweats and staring at my bed, it just didn't seem complete. Like it was like I was missing something.

Her.

I groaned in frustration, as much as I loved her she was becoming more of an obsession. I climbed into the bed anyway and yanked the quilt up over me.

But I could smell her, her strawberry scent and sweet flowers. Her breath was on my pillows, her scent on my blankets. I sighed and pressed my face subconsciously into the pillow. I was asleep before I really knew it.

**Well...review me and make me smile... :)**


	9. Because I want to

***Sigh* You'll like this one....I promise ;)**

I came downstairs and everyone was eating already, no one bothered to look surprised that I was downstairs anymore; they just acted as if it were the most normal thing in the world. I have to admit, it was beginning to feel normal, well as normal as anything I did could be. I sat across from Bella and looked up at her, she smiled.

"Well school is starting in a few weeks, I need new clothes," Alice said, I wasn't really keeping to the conversation that they were having, I was just watching Bella.

"And supplies Alice," Esme said sternly, "please don't forget the supplies this year." She sighed and Alice flicked her hair,

"I won't, I promise." She seemed to have put her at ease and Esme leant on the counter.

"Good morning everyone." Carlisle's came into the kitchen cheerfully, he kissed Esme on the cheek and looked over at the table where we were all sat. I looked over at him and he was looking curiously at me. I suppose this was the first Sunday I was down here and therefore the first time Carlisle would see me in my newly found strange routine. I smiled and he seemed to snap out of it, shaking his head, "are you ready?" he looked down at his wife and she smiled, she picked up her purse from the side and waved at all of us, before taking Carlisle's hand, I heard the garage door close.

"Where are they going?" I asked curiously,

"Carlisle is taking Esme to breakfast cuz he has the day off, he does it every week." Alice said matter-of-factly. I felt kind of bad then, not even noticing their routine, I thought out of everyone in this world I was only really close to them, and I never even noticed something like that. I shook my head and sat back in my chair, Alice was already talking about ring binders and pens and Emmett wasn't really paying attention. They stood up from the table almost simultaneously and they laughed together. I watched them both in my peripherals. Both. Where was Bella? I looked up and she was looking at the table,

"Don't worry so much Edward, they only started the routine a few weeks ago, apparently." She shrugged, and stood up, stacking up plates. How did she do that? Make me feel better? I guess it was okay that I hadn't noticed that tiny part of their routine, if it was recent. Bella was right, I worried far too much. I stacked my plate on top of the little pile she had made and picked them up, taking them over to the sink, I felt more than saw Bella standing next to me.

"Did you sleep well?" she asked leaning on the counter. I smiled to myself; I slept a lot better than she could ever know.

"I did actually, you?" I smiled, I didn't get a response, so I looked over at her, she just shrugged and I resumed my cleaning. Once I had finished I looked over and Bella was staring into space, she looked like something was bothering her. "Are you okay?" I asked,

She sort of jumped at the sound of my voice and smiled, but it wasn't her smile it was the carefully composed mask. "Yeah I'm fine."

I dried my hands with the cloth and she smiled again, before ducking out of the kitchen quickly. What was up with her? I looked at my watch and sighed; I half ran up stairs and pulled on my jacket. On my way back down I heard Bella in her room. She was muttering to herself, I couldn't make out anything but my name. She kept saying it over and over with some incoherent words. I shook my head in confusion and went to knock on her door, but I stopped myself. What if she was upset with me? Or angry? I shook my head and walked back down stairs. I could speculate about her on my run. I smiled at myself as I shut the door and looked out over the lawn. It was warmer than usual, sunny even with only tiny fluffy clouds in the sky. I walked down the steps to the porch and I heard the front door open. I looked back and Bella was standing there clasping her hands together nervously.

"hey," I said, smiling and walking back up the steps, I put my hand in hers to try and make her smile, I was getting kind of worried at this sudden mood change, "Bella?" she looked up at me and our eyes connected. She looked sad. Why the hell was she sad? I didn't understand. I didn't notice anything that could have made her sad. I hadn't done anything, I was sure of it. "Bella, what's wrong?" she dropped her head, I panicked, "Bella please?"

"Where do you go? On your run I mean."She asked, curiosity evident in her voice, she didn't want to talk about it. I could understand that, however much it hurt me that she was upset. I nodded to the trees and the small path that was really only visible to me.

"In there?" she widened her eyes and shook her head disapprovingly. I chuckled and squeezed her hand. I wanted to show her that there was nothing but brilliance in those trees. And I wanted to show her why I went there. I wanted to share that part of me with her. I began walking and she followed. Walking through here was different, I was usually at a faster pace, seeing everything as I passed. But now with Bella with me I could appreciate it more. And I could feel her doing the same.

"Edward," she began, her voice in awe as she tipped her head towards the canopy of trees above our heads. I slowed my walk and watched her as she looked around the forest laid before us, "it's beautiful."

"I know," I murmured. I didn't want to tell her how it was only really beautiful here with her. I didn't really think anything was beautiful till I met Bella. My meadow was amazing, magnificent, and wondrous. But never beautiful. I could only imagine Bella sitting in there with me, soaking up the sun, on one of those rare sunny days. I knew that if Bella saw that part of my life, it would seem beautiful. Just like everything was with her.

We continued walking until we hit the trail. We had walked a whole five miles. I knew that Esme would probably be back by now, and would be getting worried about Bella, and Alice was probably looking for her. I looked down at her hand in mine, and fiddled with her fingers absentmindedly as I gently steered us in a curve. She didn't even notice that we were walking back towards the house, her mind only on the leaves, the earth, the trees, and the random animals that she kept seeing. I didn't want my time with her to end but we came out of the trees and were confronted by my backyard.

She looked at me confusingly and I shrugged and smiled.

"Well at least we didn't get lost." She giggled, squeezing my hand. I laughed too and we walked up to the doors. She pushed it open and I went to take my hand from hers. She held it tighter and walked into the kitchen, pulling me with her. No one was in there and she pulled me to the table. I was pretty much just following her. My arms extended in front of me while she guided me. She sat on the edge of the table and bought me closer to her. I was practically pressed up against her. I panicked and tried to move away, not to mention I was surprised by her mood change...again.

"Edward, what are you doing?" she asked innocently putting her arms around my back and leaning against my chest.

"What are _you_ doing?" I asked, still confused by her show of affection, anyone could just walk in, Esme, Emmett, or even Alice. I tried to pull away again, but she held tighter and almost came off the table with me,

"I'm hugging you obviously." She said,

"Why?"

"Because I want to."

That simple sentence broke me. Fuck it. I put my arms around her and squeezed, I could feel her smile against me and she hummed into my chest. I didn't care who saw. Why did I care in the first place? This was about me and Bella. And she was obviously feeling better.

As much as I hated to admit it I wanted them to see me hugging her, I wanted them to see me and her, together. I nuzzled her head and placed a kiss on the top of it. I don't know why I did, but she lifted her head to look at me. I thought she was going to ask me what the hell I was doing, or even pull away and tell me that I had go the wrong idea. But she just smiled at me and put her head back down.

Was I allowed to do that? Kiss her? My heart jumped and started beating erratically. I squeezed her tighter. Would she let me kiss her? Would I let myself kiss her? What was this to her?

I knew it what it was for me, but I couldn't think of what she would want from me. Companionship? A friend? Someone she could trust? Affection? God I wanted her to want affection. I would give her all the fucking affection she wanted. And I would do it happily.

I heard Emmett's boisterous laugh and she moved away from me.

My heart sank when I thought she didn't want my family to see us, I wondered if that's how she felt when I pulled my hand out of hers when Esme came in a few days ago. I promised myself never to that again, I never wanted her to feel like this.

But she pushed all of my hurt and fear away by jumping down from the table and grabbing my hand again. We walked into the sitting room and she sat on the sofa, yanking me down forcefully when I just stood next to her.

"Hey." I objected playfully, she rolled her eyes and flicked the remote on the TV, she leant her head down on my shoulder and kicked her feet up on the cushion beside her. I put my arm around her and she snuggled closer.

It was strange, being with her like this. But familiar all the same. It was just weird because in our bedrooms it was private, just us. Down here it was open, and my family could walk in and see us. And somehow I think that neither myself nor Bella cared. I smiled at that thought. The mere thought of being able to show her this new found love I had for her, had me excited. And at that minute I didn't care that she couldn't love me back, I was too preoccupied with revelling at the feeling of her in my arms.

The adverts finished and a film started on the screen. She cuddled closer to me and sighed in contentment. She lifted her head and her eyes connected with mine. It all fell in place. The electricity hummed around us and the air fizzled, like it always did. But there was something different. We both knew what it meant. Only I knew it meant a little more than she did. I knew I loved her, she was beautifully unaware.

But as I leant my head down, her eyes fluttered closed and she parted her lips, I knew. The electricity was there, drawing us together like magnets, pulling us to this moment. My lips brushed her cheek and skimmed across her bottom lips, I felt her smile and she pressed her lips onto mine. The moment was so sweet and it was filing a hole in me that I knew even knew was there. Like her kiss, just that one touch of our lips, completed me.

"Well finally!" I head Alice at the doorway of the living room. "I've only been trying to push you two together for ages." I pulled away from Bella and she nuzzled her head into my shoulder. I looked up at my annoying sister to glare at her, but she was smiling at us, Jasper standing behind her. He smiled apologetically and pulled Alice up the stairs.

"Sorry," I mumbled, into her hair, tightening my grip around her. She giggled and looked up, reaching up to me and kissing my cheek quickly, before laying her head back on my chest to watch the damn film. But something bugged me,

"Bella?"

"Hmm?" she hummed,

"What was wrong earlier? When you were upset?" I asked, hoping that she wouldn't dodge the question. She moved nervously in my arms and I hugged her reassuringly, "you can tell me you know." I smiled, pressing my lips into her hair again. I loved doing that, I don't think I would ever stop, it was like coming up for air. I needed it.

"I can can't I?" she asked, a smile evident in her voice, "what are we Edward?" she asked, quieter than before, "you and me?" she shifted her head and looked up at me.

"Honestly?"

"Yes honestly." She said. Shit did I say that out loud?

"I don't know." I said, once again out loud when I didn't mean to, "I mean, we are more than before, but I don't know,"

"What do you want to be?" she asked, tilting her head into my neck, nuzzling me sweetly, I took a deep breath, what did I want? Girlfriend? Lover? She wanted some kind of relationship, and god I craved one with her. It was pure, unconditional love on my part, but I had a feeling it was comfort, affection, and trust on hers. That was fine by me, as long as she wanted me. I felt her lips press into my throat and I trembled. I let out a shaky breath,

"let's just...be Bella and Edward, okay?" I said, trying desperately not to shout my feeling at her when she skimmed her lips further up and kissed my jaw.

"So you'll be...my Edward? And I can be your Bella?" she whispered. Was I hers now? I knew she was mine. But just hearing her confirm it. Hearing her telling me she was mine and I was hers, it was like a high. She lifted her head to look at me and I nodded,

"My Bella." I repeated, loving the way it felt on my tongue. She smiled and leant up, pressing her lips onto mine. My hand came up to cup her cheek and she sort of melted into my touch. She pulled back, smiling. Something clicked. "So what was bothering you?" I asked, not able to keep the smile off my face, I was finally kissing Bella, my Bella. She smiled back,

"Last night I was thinking, and I think I kinda missed you. And I thought about how much I wanted to kiss you and then how you wouldn't want me that way, and I got worried..."

"I do want you that way Bella." I murmured, I was a little darkened by the fact that she had missed me, I didn't want her to want me like I wanted her. I knew it would only tear us apart. If she wanted me as strongly, I would be in danger of telling her, of just trying to make her love me back. I wouldn't do that to her. I would be as strong as I could.

"I know that...now." she said smiling and kissing my nose. I couldn't help it, I laughed, and it was so cute and so...Bella. She pressed her lips to mine again, and my heart jumped erratically.

**Tah Dah...Okay I take it back...THIS is my Fav :) **

**Make me smile...Review me :)**


	10. Um, Wow

**Wel...heres the next chapter....Ive wrote up to chap 15 so far...Let me tell you ...the more I write the sadder it gets.... :( I really want this fic to have a happy ending...but we'll see..**

I didn't sleep well. I kept wanting Bella, wanting to hug her and kiss her and cuddle up to her as she slept. My mind had at least some of its questions answered. I knew what Bella wanted; I knew that she would let me show her affection, that I could kiss her. My mind had gotten a glimpse of what was going on inside her head. But the questions that had been answered, raised more questions, difficult questions. Like was this a long term thing? How far would she allow us to go? How did she feel about me?

I shook my head and went downstairs, everyone was seated at the breakfast table as usual, and Esme was putting everything I asked her to get into cartons.

"Esme, I told you I would do that." I said smiling; I lifted the bag up from the floor and began packing it. Yesterday I pried myself away from Bella, and asked Esme to pick some things up from the shop, silly picnicy things. My plan today was to take Bella to the meadow. She hadn't seen it before and today would be the only day in the week that it was sunny.

"I still like to help Edward." She smiled and handed me a small container,

"Okay, can someone please tell me why you two are packing food up?"Alice asked from across the room,

"Edward is taking Bella out." Emmett said, smiling over at me,

"You knew that all along?" Alice kicked him under the table and he yelped. Bella giggled and leant her arms on the table,

"Where are we going?" she asked quietly, I smiled at the sound of her voice and zipped up the backpack.

"I want to show you something." I said simply, Alice kicked Emmett again,

"Oh right the whole 'privacy' thing." He said using air quotes, I rolled my eyes at him and Bella laughed, Esme slipped out of the kitchen behind me and Alice grabbed Emmett's arm. Bella stacked the plates and walked over to me; she laid them down on the counter and wrapped her small arms around my torso. I sighed and pulled her closer, pressing my face in her hair. I kissed her forehead and she looked up at me smiling.

"Are you actually going to tell me where we are going?" she asked sweetly,

"Nope not a chance," I smiled, she huffed and kissed my neck sweetly before releasing me,

"I'm just going to have a shower and get dressed kay?"

I nodded for her to continue and she trudged up the stairs. After I washed the plates up slowly, to drag out the time, I walked into the sitting room, Emmett was lounging on the sofa, Alice wasn't anywhere to be seen.

"Em can I ask you a favour?"

"sure." he said grinning at me,

"Can we borrow your jeep; I don't really fancy getting the Volvo stuck."

He sat up and leant his elbows on his knees, "stuck where?" This couldn't just be easy could it?

I sighed, "Fine. Stuck in the forest,"

"You're taking Bella to the forest? What the hell are you going to do out there? Bear hunting?" he chuckled and I glared at him.

"Can we borrow the jeep or not?" I asked, he raised his eyebrows at my tone but smiled slowly and nodded.

"Sure," he waved his hand dismissively and I exhaled loudly,

"Thanks." I muttered. I turned on my heels and caught Bella bouncing down the stairs, she smiled at me and wrapped her arms around my waist,

"We need a jeep for...?" I rolled my eyes, and bent down to distract her, she hummed and her hand went to my hair. She ran her hands through it and tugged lightly. It felt so good. She swayed her body in mine and pulled away, still smoothing my scalp.

"That's not an answer." She pouted and I kissed her lips quickly,

"I know." I smiled and she huffed. She was cute when she did that. Her hands dropped from my hair, she turned quickly and walked into the kitchen. She grabbed the bag off the counter and my hand was out already to take it off her. My trip, I might as well carry everything. She smiled and handed me the bag, "keys?" I asked and she popped into the living room, I heard a jingle of the keys being tossed and Emmett's congratulations that Bella caught them. I chuckled to myself and Bella came back into the kitchen.

"Ready?" she asked smiling and twisting the keys in her hand, I nodded and she opened the door for me.

Emmett's jeep was the easiest car to get to the meadow. I had only driven a car up there once, and I vowed I would never do it again. But I wanted to get there quickly, so we could spend the day there. Bella buckled herself in quickly and I followed suit. I put it into gear and headed towards the highway. We took the dirt road about six miles down and that lead us into the forest. I knew that we would come out at the south side of the meadow, although the jeep wouldn't get past the six meters or so of trees to the actual clearing, it was good enough. Bella didn't really speak much during the journey, but it was pretty much impossible. The jeep bounced and trembled over all the bracken on the forest floor, one of the reasons I promised not to drive down here.

I stopped the mammoth of a vehicle and took a deep breath. Bella took her hands off the window and dashboard, she was using for support and chuckled at me.

"Let's not do this too often huh?" I suggested, she smiled and started unbuckling the tight belts. I swiftly undid mine and got the bags out of the back and opened the door for her,

"Thank you." She smiled and reached up on her tiptoes to kiss me chastely. For the millionth time I did a mental happy dance. Bella was kissing me. And she was smiling. With me. "So," she looked around, "we climbing a tree or something?" I couldn't help but laugh at her, I shook my head and started walking to the pool of light that was in front of us, she followed wordlessly and I pushed a few branches away for her and she stepped into it.

The meadow looked brilliant with the sunlight. And with Bella in it too, it was pretty much the best place on this earth at the moment.

"Um, wow." She spread her arms and twirled; I pulled the large blanket out of the bottom pocket of the backpack and fanned it out, covering the grass. She smiled at me and sat down, I sat next to her, inches from her body. I unzipped the bag and began pulling out random containers, not really sure what Esme put in each of them. "I was wondering what Esme was doing this morning," she giggled and helped me pop open the lids.

"I thought a picnic would be nice today." I said raising my head to the sunlight and closing my eyes. I remembered I loved the feeling of the sun on my face, the heat, the faint smell of the wildflowers.

"How on earth did you find this place?" she asked, I let my eyes open and I looked at her,

"I was jogging." I shrugged, she leaned over and picked an apple slice out of one of the containers and started nibbling on it.

"It's beautiful." She murmured, I nodded and picked up a piece of apple too. "Do you come here all the time?"

"Not all the time, I was here the other day, for a good couple of hours, jus thinking." She leant back on her arms and closed her eyes. I looked over her and realised how beautiful she really was. The shape of her lips curved into a small smile, her skin, practically flawless, and her hair with its tiny red streaks the shimmered a little in the sun. Fucking hell, I must be going insane.

"What were you thinking about?" she asked,

"You." What was the point in trying to lie? She must have known I was thinking about her, it was just so plainly obvious, according to Emmett anyway.

"Hmm." She said simply, "anything specific?" she smiled and reached up her hand to take another bite of her apple slice. I took a deep breath and looked down into my lap,

"Not anything specific, I just wanted to show you the good things in my life, not just the bad." I whispered, with the almost silence in the meadow, it sounded loud.

"There are a lot of good things in your life Edward." She lifted her head, our eyes connected and the air charged, I knew she felt it too because she smirked and let her head drop back again.

"There are now." I said mostly to myself, hell I might have just shouted 'I love you' at her. She chuckled and finished the apple slice. Mine lay almost untouched in my hand. I took a bite and she spoke again.

"What things were you going to show me?"

"Well here," I looked around me, trying to remember what else, "Oh, my piano." I said smiling. Thoughts of playing my piano filling my mind. I really would have to get that thing back out.

"You play piano?" she asked, I looked at her and she was looking directly into my eyes, I nodded and her smile grew, "you'll have to show me that."

"I haven't played it in ages," I said, "well not since..." I stopped myself, shaking my head. I would not let these thought consume me when I was with Bella. I could deal with it. My hands started shaking and my breathing increased. I'll be okay. I'll be okay.

"Since?" she pushed, I pleaded with her in my mind, please don't me fall. My mouth opened without my permission, I would give Bella anything.

"Since my last suicide attempt." I muttered grimly, a thought entered my head, "well the one I was almost successful at, no crazy girl to stop me that time." I chuckled darkly and saw her sit up,

"What happened?" She asked quietly, could I relive it with collapsing into the dark? I took a deep breath and ignored my erratic heart and the stupid sinking feeling.

"I tried to drown myself, Carlisle almost found me, I couldn't put him through that." I shook my head and closed my eyes tightly. My hand found my hair almost instinctually and I tugged it lightly at the side. She put her hand on my shoulder and I calmed minutely.

"Why did you stop playing?" my hand dropped and I felt hers replace it, she smoothed the hair back and I took another deep breath,

"Um...I guess my music was always a way out for me, like it took me away from whatever the hell was going on in my brain. After I saw Carlisle's face, I mean he isn't stupid, he knew exactly what had happened, I just couldn't bring myself to play anymore. It was like I didn't deserve it."

My heartbeat relaxed a little and her hand slid down my neck.

"Edward? What happened to you?" she sounded like she had tears in her eyes, I looked up and sure enough they were there, my hand came up and smoothed her skin, I couldn't bear the thought of her crying because of me, "why are you so...depressed?" she choked out, I felt tears prickle at my own eyes,

"I don't know Bella; I don't think there is a reason. I think I've always been like this, everyone just started noticing it since my mother died."

"Is that why?" she whispered, I shook my head. I had come to terms with my mother's death. I understood that it was no one's fault, I didn't blame her, I wasn't really that close with her when she was alive. I had embraced the pain, and mourned for her, but I had dealt with it.

"No I don't think so; I've dealt with that pain." I said simply, she didn't press the issue, she didn't ask how, or when. She just bit her lip and nodded her head.

"Hasn't anyone ever tried to find out?" she whispered, I dropped my hand from her face and returned my gaze to the floor,

"Not really,"

"What about a therapist? You said before you've tried."

I sighed, if this were anyone but Bella, I probably would have told them to piss off, that or walked away. But this _was _Bella, and she deserved answers from me.

"I was fourteen, and Carlisle was concerned, they told me it was attention thing, that I would grow out of it." she gasped, I looked back up and our eyes connected,

"But Edward you're eighteen now, that was four years ago, surely...they can tell it's not an 'attention' thing." She screwed her face up at the word attention, I smiled and tucked her hair behind her ear, I was so happy I could do that finally, and that what I knew I needed, I needed her. As long as she was here, I could change, I could get better.

"I'll be okay." I reassured her. She opened her mouth to say something but I pressed my lips to hers, feeling her natural high spread through me already. "I promise." I whispered against her lips. She sighed heavily and pulled back. We didn't say anything else, we just enjoyed each other's company, we would pick at the fruit and sandwiches Esme had made for us, we would sit and enjoy the sound of the wind in the trees above us, or the babbling of the stream that wasn't too far away.

We weren't awkward after our conversation; it just felt like we had melted more into each other. I had let her see a part of me that not many people got to see, an explanation, of sorts. Not so much a reason, but knowledge. She hummed and I lay back, my arms behind my head, enjoying every minute of the sun, yet cursing it for being so bright I couldn't keep my eyes open to watch Bella.

I felt her hair on my arm and jumped; she chuckled and laid her head on my arm, running her hand up and down my chest. I laughed too and took one of my hands and wound it around her back. it was one of _those_ moments, the ones where I wished I could tell her. But I didn't.

"This is nice." She hummed, she had no idea. "It's nice to be with someone who wants to be with me, who doesn't force their company on me." she said snuggling into my chest. I was confused.

"Who forces their company?" I asked, running my fingers through her hair, loving how soft it felt between my fingers.

"Well not anymore," she drew random circles with her fingertips on my stomach, I was still confused.

"Okay, who _forced_ their company?" she stiffened and moved her head slightly, but didn't answer, "Bella?"

"Just...everyone I used to know, Jacob mostly." She whispered and I tensed up, he forced his company? What the hell did that mean?

"When you say...?"

"god not like that..." she lifted her head, "well not all the way..._like that_." she finished, my eyes widened, "he just didn't like me with anyone else," she put her head down, I felt a pulse of anger run through me and she started drawing her circles again, "I had to stay with him, and only him. And he had to come over every night to see me." she shifted in my arms, "because my dad works late, and he wanted to make sure I was alone."

"That's a little overbearing." I said, feeling like I just said the understatement of the century. "Why didn't you just break up with him?" I asked quietly,

"It wasn't that simple." She whispered,

"Did you love him?" I closed my eyes and dreaded the answer, I didn't want her to say she did, I wasn't even sure I really wanted the answer to the question,

"I don't think so, I mean to begin with he was a perfect boyfriend, and maybe I did a little, but then when he went crazy, I just couldn't. It was like he was all I had, if I left Jacob, where would I be? Charlie and his dad had been friends since they were children, I didn't want to jeopardise that for him. And well we both know how well Jacob handles bad news."

I felt my arms tighten around her protectively, irrationally. There was no danger here, just me and her, and the sun and the slight breeze.

"Were you scared of him?" I asked, not really understanding why I was asking these questions, but wanting to know the answers. She didn't say anything but I felt her head nod slightly and her arms hug me, I felt the overwhelming urge to reassure her, "Bella, you know I wouldn't do anything like that right?"

"I know you'd never lay a finger on me Edward, but there are other ways to hurt me," she whispered, I didn't answer and she understood my confusion, she lifted her head, "if you hurt yourself, that would hurt me too, I...care for you too much."

I wrapped my arms around her and drew her back to my chest. My heart contracted painfully when she said 'care for' I don't know why, I knew she couldn't love me. Why was I so hurt by this stupid phrase? Maybe it was because if I said I cared for Bella it would practically be an insult to both my feelings and this obsessive devotion I had for her. I felt her relax into my arms. Was I supposed to say something? Reassure her that I wouldn't do anything like that? I wouldn't.

Well that wasn't exactly true.

Deep down I knew that if Bella was ever pulled away from me, I don't know what I would do, I'm not saying I would jump off a cliff three seconds after she was gone, I just honestly didn't know what my life would be like. Whether Bella's nature would reflect upon my own, whether I'd be worse than before, or whether I'd just go straight back. If I did embrace the darkness again, I knew it would only be a matter of time before those thoughts swirled around in my head, before I could justify ending my life...again.

I sighed and settled for silence.

Silence was better than lies.

**So review and let me know how you liked that....Nice...Boring....*shrug*....Tell me.... :)**


	11. I’ll say a bear ate me

**Okay so this chapter isnt nice...I'm just warning you :)**

**This wasnt in the original edit...So when this was put in I had to mess with a few future chapters...The story gets fluffy-er and then dark-er....very dark...**

**so..happy reading...**

I woke up wanting her. Again. The smell of her in my bed was leaving; I was mixing it with mine, overwhelming it and slowly destroying it.

I grimaced at my thoughts, would I do that to Bella too?

After we had gotten back from the meadow Alice had dragged her back out again, they didn't tell me where, they just left. Leaving me with nothing to fill the rest of my evening with but try not to listen to Emmett and Rose. I was glad Esme was out; the poor woman would have had a heart attack. it was disgusting. She came back around half nine, late for her, but I didn't ask what she was up to, I wasn't interested. I wasn't focused. I had been so close to Bella all day and then she just wasn't there. Maybe I had withdrawal. I spent the night in my room, secretly listening intently to hear the door open and her laugh. It didn't come.

And so I was forced to wait until it was a decent time for bed and crawled into the sheets. Bella scent wasn't strong then, but I fell asleep okay. I didn't dream, as usual, or I did but I couldn't remember. I would love to dream about Bella, and remember the next day, maybe I would wake up better, or worse, depends how good the dream would be, and maybe I wouldn't want to leave it.

Because I knew how things were going, it would only be a matter of time. A tiny amount of time before she realised that I loved her, that she couldn't love me. a tiny amount of time that she just wouldn't be here anymore.

I shook my head and pulled my hair lightly, why couldn't I get rid of these thoughts? They were going to drive me insane. I didn't want to think like this, I wanted to have happy thoughts, the kind of thoughts that I had when she was with me, I didn't want to second guess my happiness when she wasn't around. I didn't want that stupid darkness to keep closing in when she wasn't around to turn the light on.

I glanced over at the clock, it wasn't even half seven. This wasn't good. At all. This was way too early.

I groaned at the stupid ticking and rolled over to my side dramatically and pulled the blanket over my head. If I could just fall back to sleep until my alarm goes. If I could stop thinking about how I can't smell her anymore. But I couldn't stop because she wants here. I was just about to kick the blanket off in frustration when I heard a timid knock; I yanked the quilt off my head,

"Mm?" I said in response, the door opened a crack and I head of tangled brown hair popped in. My whole body relaxed and I sat up,

"Sorry, I know it's early," she smiled, I laughed quietly,

"No, it's okay..."

"I couldn't sleep," she said and stepped inside, she grimaced,

"At all?" she shook her head and I patted the bed next to me,

"I think I got a couple of hours last night." She murmured climbing in and sliding her body down, and scooting closer to me. She did look tired, very tired. I propped myself up on my elbow and she rested her head on the pillow. My pillow.

I smoothed the hair out of her face and she smiled, letting her eyes close, she reminded me,

"Where did Alice take you last night?" she shifted in the bed and her eyes stayed closed,

"For a drive. She wanted to talk." She said simply and then yawned,

"About?" I asked, running my fingers through her hair again, I loved Bella's hair.

"Girly stuff," she replied, yawning again and snuggling deeper into the blankets.

"How long was this drive?" I chuckled, thinking about Alice and her rants; she could have taken hours, whatever she was talking to Bella about.

"Ages, we stopped off for something to eat and everything." She said slowly, I lay down next to her and extended my arm, she nuzzled it and lifted her head, I snuck it under her and she curled into my side. Her hand rested just above my heart and I sighed. I heard her breathing slow and she hummed quietly against me. I knew she was asleep.

I shifted my head a little and looked down at her; all I could see was the tip of her nose and her hair. Why couldn't she sleep last night? Was it something Alice had said on her drive? Why would Alice take her out rather than upstairs? I would have been suspicious but I didn't really understand half of the things Alice did, this one shouldn't catch my attention.

I pressed my lips into her hair and closed my eyes, not really sleeping, but caught in that almost unconscious but awake sensation.

Before I really knew it the alarm was beeping annoyingly. I wanted to throw it out of the window, or stomp on it till it shut the hell up. It stopped suddenly and I looked over to see Bella's arms extended towards it. She clicked the button and replaced her arm across my stomach. I chuckled,

"Bella, time to get up." I whispered, pushing the few strands of hair that had fallen across her face, she mumbled something that sounded like 'don't want to' and I laughed. "I don't want to either, but its nine o clock."

"lets skip breakfast." She mumbled, she didn't know how tempting that sounded. I would have loved nothing more than to stay here, to wrap myself up in nothing but Bella. But if both of us didn't show up for breakfast, they would all know where we were. With each other. I smiled at that and she snuggled closer. No one really disapproved of me and Bella, I'm sure they pretty much welcomed it. And Esme and Carlisle knew full well about Alice and Emmett's relationships. They had accepted that they were going to be doing these things, and educated them thoroughly. Now that we were all eighteen, Carlisle had said, it was time to be grown up about it. And so Jasper and Rose were allowed to stay over, Alice and Emmett were allowed to stay at theirs, as long as everyone was safe and happy.

I sighed again and hugged her tighter.

But I was a different issue. I hadn't really had any relationships. Bella was essentially the first girl I had loved. And she was still only seventeen. I knew that neither Esme nor Carlisle would openly say what they thought we were doing up here, but they would think it. And I wasn't going to put Bella through those awkward conversations.

"I would love to skip breakfast and stay in bed," she snuggled closer, "but what will you tell Esme when she asks where you were?" she growled,

"I'll say a bear ate me." she mumbled, I laughed and shook my shoulder,

"Come on." I said begrudgingly. I truly did want to stay in bed. To stay curled up with her.

"You go, I'll stay." She said cheerfully and yanked the blanket over her again. I thought about what she said earlier about not having much sleep, I sighed in defeat and leaned over to kiss her forehead. It was still strange kissing her. But I didn't care, I just embraced the feeling.

"Okay, you sleep a little more." I whispered against her skin and tightened the quilt around her. She hummed and smiled sleepily at me. I grabbed my clothes and got dressed and washed up in the bathroom. I tried to calm the mess I called hair, but to no avail, I sighed annoyingly at my reflection and walked back into the bedroom and Bella was lying on her side, her arms folded in front of her. I smiled and opened my bedroom door quietly.

"Morning Edward." Esme smiled when I came into the kitchen, I looked over at the table and Alice was smiling at me and Emmett was stuffing his face,

"Morning," I sat down,

"Where's Bella?" Alice asked, still smiling,

"She's tired, what time did you guys get in last night?" I asked, curious as to why Bella never really slept.

"Around eleven." She shrugged, I was awake at eleven, I was sure of it,

"I didn't hear you." I said nonchalantly, and took a bit out of my toast, she giggled and covered her mouth with her hand, and Emmett stopped chewing,

"Sorry...um, we were...quiet."

Emmett shrugged, but I was confused, why was that funny? She carried on eating and I looked at her, she smiled to herself and looked up at me innocently, too innocently. Breakfast pretty much happened in silence, Alice would keep smiling to herself, and Emmett was oblivious as usual.

After everyone had finished, Alice stood up, "Edward can I go wake Bella up? I need her help, I have a new outfit..."

"Why are you asking Edward?" Emmett cut her off,

"I don't want to go in Edward's room without his permission," she said simply and shrugged, Esme coughed,

"Bella is in your room?" she asked, a little shocked,

"Fucking hell Alice." I whispered quietly, "Um yeah." I said a little louder, "she couldn't sleep last night and she knocked my door this morning." I explained,

"Yeah okay." Emmett chuckled; I glared at him and stood up facing Alice,

"Thanks Ali." I muttered, and left the table, I didn't help with the dishes, I didn't say anything else to anyone. I just left the kitchen.

Why would Alice do that? She couldn't have just gone up?

"Edward?" I heard Alice's voice behind me and I turned sharply, half way up the second flight of stairs.

"yeah." I said simply, still a little pissed,

"Sorry," she sat on the middle step and patted it, I walked down a few and sat next to her, I leant my elbows on my knees, and looked across at her. "they are all okay with it you know." She said, "with you and Bella."

"I know it's just...it's a lot simpler to keep some things private." I whispered, knowing full well the extent of that statement, Alice recognised the change in my tone as well and her voice lowered,

"Did you tell Bella about that then?" she said vaguely.

"About what Alice?" I said rather curtly, I was pretty sure I knew what she was on about, my depression, my suicide attempts. Alice knew, I don't know how she knew, she just did. She always did.

"About everything, when we were driving yesterday, she told me you opened up to her, but she didn't say about what, I didn't ask, I didn't want to push..."

I sighed and dropped my head a little, "yeah I told her, she pretty much knows how screwed up I am."

"You're not..." my head snapped up and I raised my eyebrows, she laughed a little, "Did she tell you everything?"

Everything? There was an everything?

"Everything?" I asked. She bit her lip and grimaced, she didn't want to tell me stuff she though I didn't know, she didn't want to betray confidences, but I didn't care, if it was something concerning Bella, I wanted to know. I racked my brain and my mouth formed the only thing I really knew that had happened to her, "do you mean about Jacob?" I asked, Alice seemed to relax a little and she nodded,

"Yeah," she whispered,

"She told you about that?"

"Well not really, I sort of guessed," she said.

"How do you guess something like that?" I asked,

"What seventeen year old doesn't like to dress up or talk boys, Edward? They way she always wears long sleeved clothes, yet say that she likes to wear summer clothes. She has tons of short sleeved tops and skirts, ones that she loves, but never wears them."

Only Alice would see the fashion side of it. "That doesn't prove anything." I said,

"It proves something's wrong, when I asked her, I originally thought she was self harming, but she told me about Jacob and I just knew. I came right out with it and she sort of collapsed."

My head shot up, "collapsed?"

"she just broke down, crying and shaking and asking me not to tell anyone, I took her out yesterday and she started talking about him, Edward the things he did..." she trailed off and her eyes watered, I opened my arms and she curled into me.

"It's alright Ali, she's safe now." I whispered, she hugged me tighter,

"I know, you'll keep her safe Edward." She whispered, "just..."

She hugged me tighter, "just what?" I asked into her hair, she pulled back and looked at me,

"Just let her help you." The way she said it made it sound like a question, "I mean, let her keep you safe too," I looked at her, my face going strangely numb, did Alice see everything?

"I..."

"You seem so much happier with her Edward, but so many things can pull you apart." She whispered,

"I know." I said grimly,

"With school and her father,"

"I know Alice." I snapped, "sorry, it's just I'm trying to block these things out for the moment." I whispered, she nodded, "is Bella re-enrolling?" I asked sadly,

"She wants to talk to the headmaster about it, but she wants to."

"She will have to speak to her father." I whispered, her arms dropped from my neck and she nodded,

"But she won't, she really doesn't want to, I think she is scared of them."

"I know," I ran my hands up to my hair, everything was just getting so messed up, a thought occurred to me, "she could wait." I said,

"Wait?"

"Till shes eighteen, September 13th isn't that far from the beginning of the semester, she could have a late start." I said hopefully,

"And what about her father?" Alice reminded me,

"I don't know, she will have to speak to him still. Tell him...something."

"You'll have to talk to her about it Edward. And Carlisle, maybe he could help."

"I will Ali, thanks," I whispered, all this new information swirling around in my head, could we really hold off nearly six weeks? Could we wait until she is legally old enough for her father not to have any power over her? Could _she_ tell him she was staying in Forks, that she was going to school here, and she was moving in with us officially?

My hands tightened in my hair and Alice stood up and walked down the hall to her room and I heard the door shut.

Just this once could everything just work out? Could I be happy? There was so much trouble up ahead, so many exasperating obstacles. There were so many things to work out. I sighed and dropped my hands. The house seemed quiet, almost too quiet with the noise going on in my head.

I could ask Carlisle for his help, for his guidance. But I couldn't, because he didn't know about this whole situation, he didn't know Bella's father didn't know she was here, as far as he was concerned, everything was okay, and sorted out. I hated carrying all these secrets, all these burdens. I hated not being able to ask for help when I really needed it, because I didn't have a clue what I was going to do, what I could do.

Bella would have to speak to her father, and I would have to tell Carlisle. There were no other options. But if we could do it when she was eighteen, we would have a shot with her father. He wouldn't be able to do anything to stop her, but Carlisle could say no. If he knew we deceived him this long, I didn't know what he would do. He had never been put in this situation before. I had kept things from him before, but not something that cause the whole family uproar. I knew deep down that Carlisle would never refuse her so completely, but he would say her mother's would be the best place.

We had screwed everything up.

Completely.

***sigh* well review me and let me know what you think... :)**

**Oh and Nickleback-Gotta be somebody....AWESOME song!!!....*I'm just saying***


	12. Alone time together

**So this one is a long one...pretty much picks up from where the last one left off...kinda sad...*sniff***

I stood up from the step and walked up the stairs quietly, Alice was right, I was right. It needed to be done.

I opened my door and walked into my room, Bella was still asleep, curled up in my bed. She looked so right there, it wasn't fair. Everything could just fall apart. And I might not ever get to see her in my bed again, or feel her lips press against me, or her warm body as she sleept in my arms. I bit back a frustrated growl. I walked over to the bed and sat down slowly, she didn't react, she was still peaceful in her sleep. I almost couldn't bear to wake her.

Would she be angry with me? Would she tell me to mind my own business? Wasn't Bella my business now anyway? What she did affected my life, what could happen to her, could happen to me. Then there was the scenario that she would be upset with me, she would cry. I couldn't handle her tears. I wouldn't be able to follow through; I would give this girl anything.

I put my hand on her shoulder and shook her slightly,

"Bella, it's time to get up now..." I whispered, she rolled onto her back and opened her eyes slowly,

"What happened to, 'you sleep some more'?" she moaned, I chuckled,

"you have slept some more," I pointed out, I pushed the hair out of her face and she yawned, I felt bad for waking her, for pulling away the sleep she wanted. She sat up against the headboard and smiled at me,

"I guess you're right, I was just so tired." She went to get out of my bed, but I scooted up next to her and put my arm around her shoulders, she turned back onto my chest and I thought about how to begin. If now was the best time to begin at all. She draped her arm across my stomach and shifted a little, should I let her wake up properly? Should I leave it a little while? That option was looking better by the second. She sat up quickly and her face was worried, "okay what's up?" she said hesitantly,

"What...?" I started,

"You're all tense," she said, sweeping her eyes over my form and sitting up more fully, she seemed perfectly awake now, "what's wrong?"

How did she notice these things?

"Bella, there's something..."

"Oh god." She whispered, I panicked, and there was no way she could have guessed what I was going to say,

"What?" I asked quietly,

"Please Edward what is it? You sound really...defeated almost." She looked at me again and bit her lip, "has something happened to you?" she asked quietly. She thought something was wrong with _me_. Well it was, but this conversation was about _her_,

"Bella, I'm ok,"

I wasn't okay. At all.

She sighed a little, "but there's something else, I've been trying to put it off, but I don't think we can anymore." I said sadly, she caught up on my tone,

"What?"

"Bella," I took a deep breath, looking deep into her eyes, I needed courage from somewhere. "You need to talk to your father." I whispered, she tensed up and shook her head a tiny amount, "you have to tell him where you are."

"No," she whispered, almost inaudibly, I reached out for her hands and squeezed them reassuringly, her eyes dropped to our hands,

"Bella, school is starting in less than a month; you will have to tell him sooner or later,"

"No," she said stronger, "I'll talk to the headmaster, he won't be able to tell Charlie," she whispered, almost pleadingly,

"There are other ways he can find out Bella, this is a small town,"

Her eyes closed and her voice dropped, "I know." She sounded on the brink of tears, my heart clenched painfully, "I wanted to put it off too," she sniffed, "but I can't go and tell him Edward, I don't think I can even bear to see him." she mumbled, my hand lifted and smoothed her hair behind her ears,

"Bella, the only this will work is if you tell him where you've been, and where you're going to stay." She looked up and sure enough those tears were rimming her eyes, I stroked her cheek with my thumb and she shook her head,

"That won't work, he won't let me stay."

"We can talk to Carlisle,"

"no." She said firmly,

"Bella, you don't understand, he can help, he can sort things out a lot better than we can." she went silent, everything went silent. The air in the room charged, but not the good way.

"I don't understand?" she asked, she tilted her head down, "I'm not a child Edward."

She completely misunderstood; I went to lift her chin up but she pulled away from me,

"Bella, that's not what I meant." I said calmly, I went to touch her again and she moved more quickly away from me, it was almost a flinch. My eyes widened, "Bella?"

"No Edward, you don't understand. Do you have any idea what they put me through?" the tears slid down her cheeks and she got off the bed. "I don't want anything to do with them, and you know full well what will happen if I talk to them." She swatted her tears away angrily, I was frozen on the bed, "they won't let me stay, they won't let me leave, everything will just go back to the way it was."

"No Bella, it won't,"

"Edward, are you really that stupid!?" she yelled, I looked at her in shock, she was trembling, she walked over to the door and my body launched forward,

"Please, listen to me." I pleaded, I stood between her and the door and she looked at my eyes, her face crumpled and she fell onto the floor, she put her head in her hands and drew her knees up, I watched as the centre of my entire universe fell apart on the floor. I slid down the door and she sobbed into her hands.

"Edward, he is still my dad. He can do anything he wants."

"No," I muttered, I scooted up to her and she curled into my side, winding her hands up the back of my shirt. "We will wait until your eighteen, he can't touch you then," I said hopefully, she calmed her shaking and looked up at me, she sniffed,

"Will that work?"

"I don't know, maybe?"

In theory it would work, but there were so many other factors, school, Charlie's actions, Carlisle.

"We still have to talk to Carlisle," I mumbled, she sobbed again,

"Can't we just..."

"No we can't." I said firmly, she bit her lip and another few tears escaped her eyes,

"I don't want to." She whispered. She said it as if she knew those were probably the only words that would stop me. But I couldn't be stopped. This small term sadness, would bring long term peace, we would finally be rid of that tiny grey cloud that was making itself more and more known. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath, my whole being was screaming at me to give her what she wanted, to tell her we could keep it between us, but my mind was annoyingly telling me that wouldn't work.

"I think we have to,"

She let out a strangled cry sound and buried her head in my chest. I knew how hard it was for her, to tell anyone about something so dark. Something so potentially heart breaking and trust destroying. We had lied to him, and we were going to have to tell him that.

"I don't want to tell him what happened, Edward. Why I left. I don't want to explain that to him." she cried into my shirt, I held her tighter. This was one of the things that needed to be bought out into the open. I pressed my lips into her head,

"We have to, that's the only way he will understand Bella,"

"Please?" she asked, my heart clenched and tears prickled in my eyes, she was really trying. Pulling out everything that would make me fold. "Please don't make me do that." she whispered more quietly. My heart broke a little and I let out a sigh against her, a few tears escaping my eyes,

"I'll be with you Bella," I whispered, trying to give her any tiny thing that would make this easier. Anything to stop this. she slowly went silent and her hands scrunched my shirt up at the back, she lifted her head slightly,

"you promise?" she said weakly, I felt her breath fan across my neck and I looked down, our faces were inches apart and I nodded, she relaxed a little and rested her head on my shoulder.

We sat there for a good half hour, she was sniffling and my arms running up and down hers lightly. I just wanted her to feel at ease, I wanted her to be okay. I wanted to give her an easy option; I wanted to give her a smile. I just wanted to put this all away and pretend I never bought it up. But I knew we couldn't, it was there now, hovering around us. I knew we were nowhere near sorting this whole thing out, but we were closer.

And the part that scared me the most was the fact that I had no clue what to do. I knew I needed Carlisle, and that notion was frightening on its own, I rarely asked my father for guidance, I usually kept it bottled up, until it ate away at me and I exploded. I never asked for help, and now I had to, not only for Bella but for me too. I couldn't bear the way she was so broken by this, it was hurting me.

"Bella," I whispered, she shifted in my arms,

"Not yet Edward." She said simply, she looked up and I saw that most of her tears had dried up, "can we just spend some alone time together?"

I nodded and she smiled, I kissed her cheek and I could taste her tears, "tonight though, we have to tell him tonight." She closed her eyes and nodded, I skimmed my lips across hers and she kissed me softly, her hands ran up my back and into my hair. It was a slow kiss, one that touched the very part of my heart that craved her kisses. Our lips moved together as if they were meant to be. I loved this part of the strange relationship we had, and hated it all the same. Because that love made itself known, burning into every part of me. We pulled apart almost simultaneously and I dipped my head to kiss her neck, placing soft kisses along it. She hummed and ran her hand down to caress my neck.

Could I do this for much longer? Kiss her and hold her and show her how much I loved her without actually saying the words?

Usually actions are so much more meaningful than words but those words would make all the difference, deep down I knew I would have to tell her soon or later. There was just too much in the air at the moment, I couldn't do it now. I pressed another kiss just below her ear and she ran her fingers around the collar of my shirt, clutching it tightly.

"Edward," she whispered, my heart swelled and my lips came back up to hers, she pulled me closer and sucked on my bottom lip sweetly, she slid her tongue out and touched my lips with it. I drew mine out and they touched, pulsing an electric feeling through me. My hand slid up her arm and I cupped her cheek, she tightened her hand in my shirt and I felt the material bunch up under her hand. Our tongues touched again and she opened her lips wider for me, tilting her head so I could taste her better.

It was strange to say the least, my Bella and I, our tongues dancing softly together. She tasted so divine and felt even better. She broke away breathlessly and looked at me, a smile curved her lips up and I felt the relief wash through me, my Bella was smiling. I laughed breathlessly and she licked her bottom lip, her eyes dancing to my lips, I chuckled and bent my head down to give her what she wanted. Her hands tangled in my hair again and she dipped her tongue into my mouth.

I moaned and I knew I had to stop, I pulled away breathlessly and she fingered my hair, she leant up and pressed a kiss into my neck, not exactly helping me calm myself. I took a deep breath and she shifted in my lap, I groaned and she giggled.

"Sorry," I glared playfully at her and she dropped her fingers from my hair, trailing them down my neck, she tapped the little bit of skin at the top of my shirt. I looked at her and she was biting her lip.

Her fingers dipped a little lower and she shifted her hips again, I let out a shaky breath and dropped my face in her hair,

"Bella what are you doing?" I asked, she ran her nails lights across my collarbone and moved her head to kiss my ear. I felt one of the buttons on my shirt undo and I snapped my head up, my fingers wrapped around her wrist. She carried on anyway, undoing two more buttons before I pulled her hand away, she didn't care, she twisted her wrist so her fingers were linked with mine and she squeezed them. She shifted her hips and pressed her lips into my chest, she placed open mouthed kisses where she had unbuttoned my shirt and my hips circled up to meet hers involuntarily. I groaned when I felt her rub against me through my jeans, "Bella stop..."

"Why?" she mumbled against my skin,

"Because...there's just too much going on," I gasped out; she pulled back a few centimetres and kissed my skin once more. She sighed and rested her head on my shoulder,

"You're right," I put our twined hand on her lap and buried my head in the crook of her neck. Her fingers returned to lazily play with my hair, I shuddered a little and lifted my head,

"Can we get up?" I asked, now painfully aware of the uncomfortable position we were in. She giggled and rolled off my lap, I let out a softer groan when she leant up and pressed against me before she stood up. She held her hand out and I took it, standing up with her and flexing my limbs. I tried to desperately ignore_ other_ feelings.

"What do you want to do today?" I asked, she raised her eyebrows and I let out a breathy laugh, "except that."

"I just want to relax, tonight's going to be hard enough as it is, and I'm still kinda tired." I smiled at her and drew her back into my arms; it just felt better if she was there,

"It will be okay, I promise." I kissed her hair. Would it be okay? I honestly didn't know. But Carlisle was our best bet, if he was involved everything would be better, we just had to get past the deception part of the conversation. I felt Bella yawn against me,

"We could go downstairs and watch TV." I suggested, she shook her head,

"Can we lie down for a bit?" I nodded and she pulled back, I reached over to the shelves to our left and pulled out a CD, quickly putting it in and pressing play, the room filled with soft melodic notes, piano and string instruments. I heard her sigh and she walked over to my bed, holding my hand and bringing me with her. She climbed on top of the covers and I lay next to her. Bella curled up against me was the best feeling ever. Her warm body pressed into mine. She threw her knee over mine and snuggled closer. "Edward?" she mumbled quietly.

"Mm?"

"Where's your piano?" she asked sleepily,

"In the last room, down the hall, why?"

"Is it tuned?"

"I guess so," I answered, she snuggled closer to me,

"You'll have to play me something sometime." She said, I chuckled,

"Of course." I agreed, I would love to play Bella something, I just wasn't sure I could. I hadn't played in months. But it wasn't like you forgot something like that. I wondered what my hands would play, would my music reflect my new infatuation? Or would I fall back into my old melodies?

"Something nice." She said, "Something you wrote."

"I'll see what I can do," I smiled and pressed my lips into her hair.

We lay there for the few blissful hours before I looked at the clock. Bella hadn't fallen asleep but she was utterly relaxed in my arms. She would start humming lightly to herself, a tune I didn't recognise but I loved. The prospect of showing Bella my music had my mind racing through compositions, threading her humming in with them. It was insane how much knowledge flooded my brain.

I tried to keep the time out my head. And the fact I knew we had two short hours until Carlisle would be home. I didn't even want my brain to try and figure out what I was going to say. I would deal with it when it came. I just needed to keep Bella at ease; I knew that would make the whole thing easier. It was going to be difficult as it was, I didn't need, or want, either of us breaking down.

Bella shifted next to me and looked up, "I'm going to fall asleep." she blinked, I laughed,

"You lay here awake for all this time, and _now_ you're falling asleep?" She sat up and shook her head, running her hands through her hair. she yawned loudly and I chuckled again, sitting up and stretching, I put my hand on her shoulder and squeezed it lightly, "Carlisle will be back soon." I said grimly, she turned her head and nodded,

"I think I'm just going to have a shower first, okay?" I nodded and she leaned back, giving me a quick kiss before jumping off the bed and opening the door. She stopped at the doorway,

"it's okay Esme, I'll just be in the office." I heard Carlisle laugh,

He was early.

She turned to me slowly, I got off the bed and put my arms around her waist, holding her back against my chest, she jumped a little,

"You go and have your shower; I'll talk to him and then come and get you okay?" I whispered she trembled a little and nodded; I pressed a kiss on her neck and released her. She turned her head and smiled at me a little before half running down the hall to her own room. I glared at the empty hall and let out a huge frustrated sigh.

Fuck it.

I closed my door with a little more force than necessary and walked down the stairs. Carlisle's office was on the second floor, just opposite his and Esme's bedroom. He goes in there every day after work, as if he doesn't do enough work at work. I walked past Alice's room and went straight to the door.

Now or never. I repeated to myself, as I raised my hand to knock the door,

"yes?"

**Cliffy much?**

**Ahh...well review me.... :) they make me smile... **


	13. Love isn't a burden

**I know...Cliffy's are evil...This one is a better chapter...I did say earlier that it got fluffier before it got darker... :)**

_Now or never. I repeated to myself, as I raised my hand to knock the door,_

"_yes?"_

"Can I come in Carlisle?"

The door opened and Carlisle looked surprised, but gestured for me to enter, I took a deep breath and smiled politely at him. I walked into the room and looked around; I hadn't been in here before. It was a lot similar to his old office, books and papers, filing cabinets and the same desk near the window. I sighed and he cocked his head curiously.

"I need your help." I said quietly. The words sounded so strange coming from my mouth, his eyes widened and he shut the door behind him. I walked over to the chairs and sat down, resting my elbows on my knees. This was going to be tough.

The room was silent; Carlisle sat next to me and gave me a relieved smile.

"Finally, Edward you have no idea how relieved I am to hear you say that."

Fuck. Now it was even worse, because he thought I was asking for help with my depression. It was harder than that.

"No that's not what I meant," I said quietly, "I need help with Bella."

His eyebrows furrowed and he sat back in his chair, "Bella?" he repeated. He seemed a little defeated that I wasn't confiding in him about me, but I was sure he was used to it, I had a more pressing issue, a darker issue. I had deceived him. I took another deep breath and felt my heartbeat increase, this could be it. The end. The true end. Everything could fall apart so quickly.

"Bella's father doesn't know where she is." It was the simplest sentence I could come up with. The only thing that really summed up what I wanted to say. His face dropped and he looked shocked, he quickly recomposed,

"Her mother?"

I shook my head, he let out a breath and sat forward, I ran my hands up to my hair,

"She asked me and Alice not to say anything, but with school and everything, it's just falling apart. She so scared Carlisle, and I don't think I could take it if she had to go back there." words tumbled out of my mouth and I tugged my hair lightly, I took a deep breath and heard Carlisle shift his weight in his chair.

"Alice?" he whispered, the room went silent and I thought about defending my little sister, but I knew he would talk to her himself, I just waited for him to say something. To do something rather than sit in his chair and think.

"I don't know what to do." I said, looking up at him.

"Edward, she has to go home." He said sullenly,

"no." I replied firmly, "she can't."

"I know you care for her, we all do, and she has truly become part of this family, just like Rose and Jasper. But she has to go home." He said, I grimaced. This wasn't going to be easy, I reminded myself.

"Carlisle please," I whispered,

"You'll still be able to see her Edward," he murmured, no I wouldn't, "but her father will be worried."

I laughed darkly,

"I won't be able to see her, and her father doesn't care about her." I muttered, he let out a sigh and the words fell from my mouth before I could stop them, "why do you think she left? Because her boyfriend hurt her, Carlisle she was _covered_ in bruises and marks. And her dad? He told her she needed to get help! He thought she did it to herself!" my voice was raising, "and if she goes back there then we don't know what the hell they would do. This isn't about me, at all, I just want her to be safe." I took more deep breaths and I dropped my head in my hands, "I love her." I whispered, "I love her so much, it just wouldn't be fair to make her go back to that. Surely you can understand."

I heard him lean back in his chair and looked up to see him run his hands over his face and into his hair.

"Why didn't you tell me before?" he murmured,

"I couldn't, she asked me not to,"

"That doesn't mean you keep something like that to yourself Edward, for Christ sake!" he half yelled, I grimaced and he stood up, "we have to tell the police," he said calmly,

"We can't, firstly she's not going to press charges, and second, her dad is the police chief here." I said slowly, expecting another wave of unexpected anger from him.

"I know who her father is Edward," he said quickly, he ran his hands over his face again, and there was a knock at the door,

"Come in." Carlisle called, his voice still had an edge to it, reflecting the strain of our conversation, the door opened a crack and Bella walked in, and closed it behind her. "Bella." He said quietly and dropped his head. She smiled timidly and stood still. "Come in Bella, sit down."

She looked at me and I pulled the chair Carlisle had been sitting on closer to me and she walked over to it. She looked like she had been crying, her hair was dry and she was still in her pyjamas.

"I thought you were going to have a shower, I was going to come and get you."

"I didn't like the waiting." She whispered, I smiled and looped my fingers in hers, she sighed and looked over at Carlisle, he sat on the edge of his desk and folded his arms across his chest. "I'm sorry." She mumbled,

"You should have told me," he looked at me, "all of this could have been sorted then, and there may have been a chance you could stay with us Bella."

My snapped up,

"You can't be serious?" I said shocked, after everything was he really going to send her back to that house? After I told him what they did to her? Bella squeezed my hand and I looked at her, a few tears escaped her eyes and I looked back at Carlisle, "after what they did, you're going to send her back there?" I asked angrily,

"Edward." Bella whispered,

"I'm not sending her back." Carlisle whispered, he bowed his head and took a deep breath, I saw Bella's head lift up and we both looked at him in confusion. "But you have to speak to your father Bella. Talk to him and tell him..." he paused and dropped his arms, "tell him your staying here." I let out a relieved laugh and clutched Bella's hand, "I'll take full responsibility for you," she looked at me happily, but Carlisle continued, "but he still is your legal guardian, he can refuse."

Our mood dissipated quickly, the cloud fell over us again, and there was no way Charlie was going to agree to that. Not after learning where she had been all this time.

"He won't agree to that Carlisle." She whispered,

"I don't know what else to do, he still had full custody over you until you turn eighteen, there is no other way than to try and convince him that here would be the best place for you."

"What about after she is eighteen?" I whispered, he looked at me and shook his head slightly,

"There isn't anything he can really do, but I don't think you should do that Edward, there are so many other problems it can cause. Her farther might not like that she lied to him and what about her mother?"

I looked over at Bella and she sniffed, "Bella, what would your mother do?" I asked. I didn't really know much about Bella's mom, except that she remarried and Bella wanted to give them space by moving to Forks with her dad.

"She'd be pissed," she let out a tiny laugh, "but if we explained everything to her, I think she would understand."

"I still don't think this is a good idea Bella." Carlisle said calmly,

"I know, but I don't really have a choice, if I talk to my mom, tell her what happened..." she paused and took a deep breath, "what happened with Jacob. She knows how oblivious Charlie is, she would know I wasn't lying." I squeezed her hand reassuringly, "and I could start school late, and Charlie would think I went to my mothers and then I could stay." She said hopefully looking up at Carlisle. A few more tears escaped her eyes as she pleaded with him to accept, for him to tell her it would work.

"And what would happen when you appear back in Forks, and you're not living with your father?"

"She doesn't have to speak to him." I said firmly,

There was a long silence, a long deliberation. Bella shifted in her seat, dropping her eyes from my father and looking at her lap. I sat there and I heard him release a deep breath.

"I don't agree, I'm making that clear. But Bella, I'm not going to say you don't have a place to stay. Everyone here loves you," my heart accelerated a little and I looked at Bella, "but you need to talk to your mother, and I think that it would be best done in person." She nodded and smiled, "then we will see what we can do about re-enrolling you in school, okay?"

She laughed breathlessly and nodded; she turned to me and threw her arms around my neck, squeezing me tightly. "Thank you." She whispered in my ear and kissed my neck. She let me go and looked over at Carlisle, "thank you." She said louder so he could hear.

"Its no problem, I just wish you would have talked to me sooner, promise me if you need me you'll ask?" she nodded her head and Carlisle smiled.

I didn't think it could happen, but everything wasn't falling apart, it was piecing up nicely. Everything was going well. It was working. I was shocked. Something was going right in my life.

"Bella, could you give Edward and I, a couple of minutes?" he asked, she sniffed happily and nodded, pressing her lips into my neck once more before standing up and walking out of the room. I heard her run down the hall and knock Alice's door.

"Edward." He began.

"I'm sorry Carlisle, I am, I should have told you to begin with." I said, the guilt passing slowly, but it was still there, under this happiness that I was just starting to get used to.

"That's not what I was going to say, even though I am disappointed about that." I grimaced at his choice of words. Disappointment was so much stronger that annoyance. "I thought you came I here to talk to me." he started.

My happiness plummeted, why did he have to bring that up?

"I'm sorry about that too." I mumbled pathetically, I was sorry about that. But I couldn't bring myself to talk to him about that,

"Do you talk to Bella about it?" he asked curiously,

"I have, but I try to keep most of it away from her." I whispered, letting the words just pour from me,

"She's good for you." He said smiling, I nodded, knowing she was good for me, she was everything I needed, everything I wanted. I stood up and walked towards the door, "you haven't told her yet have you?" he asked knowingly, I stopped and turned to him,

"Told her what?"

"That you love her," my breathing stopped, "when I said to her earlier, that we all love her, you looked at her, you looked panicky. Why haven't you told her?"

I swallowed nervously, I opened my mouth to say something, but nothing came. Maybe because I intended to lie to him, I was going to say something stupid like 'it's not the right time'.

He raised his eyebrows, and I grimaced again, "she can't love me back, I don't want to burden her." I whispered sadly,

"Love isn't a burden." He said simply, "Unless you keep it to yourself, if you hide it away how is she supposed to know?"

I shrugged and turned back to the door. I thanked him and shut the door behind me. I heard Alice squeal excitedly and Bella's voice, I smiled.

That girl was good for me. But was I good for her? I knew the answer to that immediately. No I wasn't. But I wasn't going to stop. As the strange situation we had was, we were both happy. If we were in a downward spiral, I didn't care. I had her and she so clearly wanted me. Even if that want couldn't be as strong as my need for her, even if her want was bad for her, I couldn't bring myself to push her away. I had pushed too many people away.

She was slowly bringing me out of this darkness anyway, would she be able to love me when I had proved my love for her. She had said that I could hurt her by hurting myself, what if I got better? What if this happiness was a permanent thing? Could she love me then?

Alice's door opened and Bella came out, she saw me in the hall and walked up to me with a huge smile on her face, I laughed and she threw her arms around my neck, I wound my arms down her back and she jumped up, wrapping her legs around my waist. I was shocked but held her up, chuckling at her sudden move.

She pressed a kiss on my forehead and I laughed again, she pulled back and kissed my lips softly, releasing them and doing it again.

"Feeling better?" I asked, she nodded and looked down at me, "good."

"What did Carlisle want to talk to you about?" she asked quietly winding her fingers in the hair at the back of my neck,

"About me." I said vaguely,

"About your depression?" she asked, I nodded and she pressed her lips into mine again. "Are you feeling better?" she asked. The question was more deep rooted than what it appeared. Her tone made that clear. She wasn't asking me if I was okay, she wasn't asking me if the conversation upset me. She was asking me if I was feeling better, deep within me. She waited patiently and I dropped her legs, they slid to the floor and looked up, biting her lip.

I bent my head down and took her lips from her teeth, kissing it softly before pressing my mouth firmly on hers. She responded immediately and our lips moved together slowly. I pulled back and gave her a genuine smile,

"I think I am." I whispered, and it wasn't a lie. It wasn't like when I said I was fine and I was secretly dying slowly inside, it wasn't like an automatic response, I thought about it. I was feeling better, lighter, happier. Bella was looking up at me and she smiled too. I would get better as long as she was with me, my little light in the dark, my Bella.

***sigh* ...reviews make me smile.... :)**


	14. I had to take breathing breaks

**So I promised fluff...here be fluff...This chapter actually surprised me...I didnt darken it...Beacuse Edward didnt darken it :) enjoy...**

"Bella, we are going to be late!" I heard Alice shout up the stairs, I pulled back from Bella's lips and groaned, I ran my fingers through her curled hair and looked sadly at her,

"We should go down," I whispered, she smiled and slid her hand from my neck, down my arm and linked her fingers with mine,

"Take a deep breath Edward, this won't be as hard as you think." She smiled and pulled on my hand, I reluctantly left the safety of my room,

"Bella, can't you guys go without me?" I mumbled, she stopped dead in her tracks and turned to face me,

"Edward Anthony Cullen, you are coming whether you like it or not," she said in a firm tone, she stepped closer to me, "but I wish you would just enjoy yourself," she ran her fingers through my hair, making it messier than usual, I grimaced and she kissed me sweetly.

Alice had arranged a group, triple date _thing_. I immediately protested but Bella looked so happy about it, I just couldn't say no to her. She had been happier since we talked to Carlisle last week, even if she was procrastinating. She had agreed to call her mother; she had said she would tell her. Carlisle had bought her airplane vouchers, to use when she was ready. I personally wished he would have just got her the tickets so there was a definite date.

At the moment Bella was putting it off for as long as she could. Both Carlisle and I knew why, she wanted to wait until her bruises were gone, until she was healed. She had whispered to me that night, after she climbed into my bed and cuddled up to me. She cried and said she couldn't bear the way her mother would look at her, as if were her fault. I kissed her hard and told her nothing was her fault.

"Well finally." Alice threw her arms in the air and smiled at me, Emmett came running down the stairs,

"I'm ready; I'm ready, hold on one second." He rushed into the kitchen and I chuckled at him. Bella squeezed my hand,

"Rosalie and Jasper are meeting us at the restaurant, and then we are going to the movies." Alice said happily, I grimaced and Bella giggled, "we are taking Edwards car,"

"Okay I'm ready, geez people hurry up." Emmett said playfully walking out of the front door,

"It will be fine." Bella leant up and kissed just under my jaw, I sighed and pulled my keys out of my pocket,

"Sure, it will be great." I said unenthusiastically. She pulled my hand and Alice tapped her foot, I smiled and Bella dragged me outside and Alice followed shouting goodbye to Esme and shutting the door behind her. I clicked the button and opened the car and Emmett went to climb in the front, Alice grabbed his arm and he whined,

"Bella's got shotgun." She said happily and opened the back door, nodded towards it. Em wasn't going to mess with Alice, not tonight anyway. Bella stuck her tongue out at him and climbed into the front seat. I opened my door and Emmett was mumbling to himself, they all clicked their seatbelts and I turned the key. I looked over at Alice and she sighed,

"Drive into Port Angeles and I'll give you directions from there."

I nodded and started driving up to the highway. Alice was chatting about the movie we were going to see after our food. Emmett somehow got drawn into her conversation,

"it's a pretty well done love story." He said, everyone went silent and I burst into hysterics, Alice giggled, "what?"

"A pretty well done love story?" I repeated, trying to pay attention to the road, he sat back in his chair,

"Rose was talking about it." he grumbled,

"riiiiiight." Bella said, Alice started laughing and he leaned over the car to tickle her,

"Emmett stop," she squealed, Bella rolled her eyes and I pulled into the shopping centre,

"Ali, which end."

"Ahh," she screamed, "Em...can't... breathe." She gasped out,

"Alice." I said holding back the chuckles, Emmett let her go and squared his shoulders, grinning to himself,

"The far end," she gasped, she leant forward and pointed to a little building at the far side of the complex with a red sign, "that one over there." she fell back onto the chair and glared at Emmett who was innocently looking out of the window. I chuckled and parked the car swiftly.

Emmett jumped out and onto the curb, I saw Rose being swirled around in circles and looked over at Bella, Alice climbed out and hugged Jasper and Emmett put Rosalie down, I turned the engine off and took a deep breath. I felt Bella kiss my cheek and she leant over to pop my door open. I groaned and she gave me an innocent smile.

I climbed out of the car reluctantly and Jasper nodded in my direction, Rosalie didn't acknowledge me, and Emmett was too wrapped up in hugging her.

"Come on then." Alice laughed, Jasper put his hand at the small of her back and held the door open for her. Bella grabbed my hand and I looked at our twined fingers, maybe this wouldn't be _that_ bad.

We walked into the restaurant and were greeted by a young woman, maybe one or two years older than us, she had dark brown hair and was holding a menu,

"Table for six please." Alice asked, standing forward and smiling at the girl,

"A booth?" Jasper added,

"You guys are lucky." She said smiling at Jasper, "there are only two booths left, one's a six." She lifted her head and looked directly at Jasper, I saw Alice shift her weight, "This way," she gestured for us to follow and I stifled a chuckle, Bella looked at me and I shook my head.

The restaurant was nice, a little Italian place. There were more than a few people here, I looked around at them all, happily eating and talking within their own little groups. She led us to a table that was one of three empty booths, the one on our left was reserved and the one on our right was a table for two. The thought of taking Bella here, just us, one night flew through my brain. I smiled to myself and Bella slid on the chair next to Jasper and Alice who was next to Emmett and Rose, I sat down on the end and curled my arm around Bella, I needed something to keep me here at least.

The whole thing was too strange. It was like I was being thrown in the deep end after three swimming lessons. I shifted uncomfortably and Bella put her hand on my knee, giving me a reassuring squeeze. The strangest thing of all, wasn't the fact I was out with my siblings and respective partners, it wasn't the fact that I was practically on a date with Bella, and it wasn't the fact that everyone was happy, it felt strange because I wasn't unhappy. I wasn't sitting at home in my room, or in the background infecting the outing with my depressive mood.

I was in the forefront, I was sitting at table, smiling. I didn't even realise I was smiling. I had my arm around Bella, and everyone was happy, sort of. Alice was tapping her nails on the table, waiting for the server, Jasper was chuckling at her earlier reaction to the hostess, Emmett was watching Rosalie and she was talking animatedly at him. And Bella, my Bella was relaxing into me.

"You know this is the first time I've ever been on a real date." She whispered,

"Are you serious?" Alice said, lifting her head from her hand, Bella nodded and Rosalie stopped talking,

"My ex didn't really like us going out, we mainly stayed in his garage, he built cars." She said nonchalantly. Both Alice and I grimaced at the mention of Bella's ex, but I kept my reaction in control, I bent down to her ear and whispered,

"It's my first real date too." She looked up and smiled,

"Yeah unless you count that blonde chick back in Alaska." Emmett laughed, the server came over and I glared at him,

"Are you ready to order?" she said in a sweet tone,

"We are." Emmett said politely pointing between him and Rose, they gave their orders and Alice and Jasper followed, Bella had mushroom ravioli and I said I would have the same, we told her our drinks and she left,

"Okay what blonde?" Bella asked, Emmett laughed, I grimaced and Alice giggled, I saw out of the corner of my eye Jasper holding his chuckles back,

"It's nothing," I said quickly, Jasper hissed in disapproval at my words, "what?" I asked him, everyone looked at him and he looked around nervously,

I raised my eyebrows and he sighed, "you don't ever start a sentence with 'It's nothing' you're just asking for trouble."

"He's right." Alice giggled,

"Okay have you guys had enough fun at my expense or do you want to carry on?" I said a little annoyed,

"Tanya, was the blonde chicks name." Alice said sweetly,

"Ali." I choked, what the hell?

"She and Edward had this thing, never serious,"

"But she was a total..." Emmett started, Rosalie nudged him and I groaned in exasperation. Bella giggled and I looked over at her, she leant up and kissed my cheek,

"Your drinks," the dark haired server said, appearing out of nowhere. She handed everyone their drinks and smiled warmly at me before leaving, Emmet let out a low whistle and looked at me,

"Don't. Say. A. Word." I warned he raised his hands up in surrender and took a sip out of his glass. Despite all the embarrassing Edward conversations, the night was pretty good. I sat there and listened to them exchanging their own stories about me, while Bella listened intently. I was surprised how much attention they paid to me, even Rose. The conversation shifted and Bella was told about how Alice and Jasper met. She giggled when Alice grumbled that she had fell right onto his parked car on one of her shopping trips and sprained her ankle, her mood brightened when she told her how he got out of the car to see if she was okay. Emmett injected a comparison between Bella's clumsiness and Alice's and the whole table erupted in laughter. The story moved onto how Em had driven Alice to Jasper's, with her sprained ankle, and met Jaspers sister, and how they instantly clicked, even if Rose played hard to get.

When we had all finished our food and paid the check, we walked the short distance to the movie theatre. It was almost dark by that time and we had paired off, Bella was looking up at the sky, trying to find any early stars, Emmett, Rose, Jasper and Alice were following us.

"Well that was nice." Bella said softly moving her head from the sky to look at me,

"Mm,"

"Was it as bad as you thought it was going to be?" she asked, leaning closer to me,

"I guess not." I said reluctantly, she smiled and winked at me.

"See?"

I chuckled and she squeezed my arm, I opened the door to the theatre and she stepped under my arm, Emmett took the door and I followed Bella into the smell of fresh popcorn and butter. The place wasn't that busy, which surprised me. There were small queue's for the tickets and refreshments, but overall not too many people.

We got our tickets, Em got popcorn, and Bella just wanted a drink. I sat with Bella on the top row, Alice and Jasper sat a seat further down and Emmett and Rose sat next to them. The lights dimmed and the adverts started. Bella shifted in her seat so she her body faced mine and she leant her head on my shoulder, I chuckled quietly and put my arm around her so she could get more comfortable. She took a long sip from her straw and sighed. I heard Alice giggle and Emmett's popcorn rustle, Bella looked over and laughed quietly. Previews flashed onto the screen and she leant up, slipping her drink into the holder at the side of the empty chair next to her. She snuggled back into me and we watched the images flash up on screen.

About twenty minutes into the actual film Bella dropped her hand on my knee, I shifted closer to her and she looked up at me and smiled. She tilted her head to the side and looked over at Alice and Jasper, she giggled and I looked over, sure enough they were making out. I rolled my eyes and Bella crashed her lips to mine. Her tongue swept out and I met it with mine, our lips moved together deliciously, and my hand twined her hair. I pulled back and chuckled, we were kissing in a darkened movie theatre like a couple of clichéd horny teenagers.

Fuck it.

The hand that wasn't resting on my leg ran up my neck and into my hair, our lips met again, our tongues not hesitating to meet as we moved our lips against each others softly. She lifted her hand off my knee and curled her fingers around my wrist; she dragged my fingertips across her neck and down her chest and stomach slowly, resting them on her hip. Her top rode up a little and her hand left mine and twisted in my hair to bring me closer. My fingers curled around her skin and I squeezed it softly, running my hands just under the hem of her top. She hummed into my lips and pulled my hair tighter. Our kiss quickened and my hand slid up her back, feeling the warm skin there. She was so soft. One of her hands dropped down my chest and she ran her fingers up and down it slowly, feeling me through the fabric. She broke away, breathing deeply, trying to keep quiet. I dipped my head to her neck and nibbled it lightly, still smoothing her skin with my hand.

The only coherent words really running through my head were her name, just her name. I was just focusing on the feel of her, and the taste.

I let my tongue sneak out on one of my kisses and I trailed it along her collarbone, she tasted wonderful and smelt divine. She tugged my hair up and our lips met again. My fingertips dropped slowly down her back and across the waistband of her jeans, she gasped into my mouth and tried to move closer to me. I felt her fingers trail up my leg and she slid her palm across my thigh.

I broke the kiss and leant my head on her neck, trying to catch my breath, she gently squeezed me and I shuddered a little, she was so close to where my body wanted her to go. I shook my head and tried not to think of Bella. But it was pretty much impossible, her hands, her smell, her lips. She was all around me. I pulled my head up and moved my hand from her hip, I wrapped my hand around her wrist and drew her off my leg, I put her fingers on my neck and smiled at her, she bit her lip and nodded. I sighed and touched my lips back to hers, returning my hand to the delicate skin on her hip.

"That was beautiful." Rosalie sighed linking her finger into Emmett's; he hummed in approval and whispered something in her ear. Alice giggled behind me and Jasper had his arms around her waist, kissing the back of her neck. I smiled and pressed my lips into Bella hair as we walked towards the car,

"Even if that lot spent the whole film lip locked." Emmett chuckled,

"It wasn't the _whole_ film; I had to take breathing breaks." Alice laughed, Bella giggled and I clicked the button to open the Volvo, "Edward, I'm staying at Jaspers tonight, so is Emmett, so we will get a ride with them." Alice said said sweetly,

"Our aunts away for the weekend." Rosalie explained, she squealed and jumped forward Emmett laughed and she unlocked her car,

"Mom knows," she reassured, I nodded and smiled as Jasper jumped into the back of the shiny red soft top Rosalie called 'her baby'. I saw Bella climb into my car and I jumped in too, turning the key quickly and pulling out just after Rose, they waved to us and sped off.

Bella yawned and leant her head back against the seat. "mm, I'm tired."

I chuckled and she looked over at me, "well when you get in you can go straight to bed." I said smiling at her,

"Your bed." she stated closing her eyes and pressing her head against the headrest,

"My bed." I confirmed.

"Ugh I have to have a shower first to get all this crap out of my hair." I looked over at her and she was smiling to herself,

"I think your hair looks lovely." She opened her eyes and grinned at me,

"Yeah but do you have any idea what Alice put in it so the curls wouldn't fall out?" she shuddered and closed her eyes again. I stifled a laugh; I would never understand girls and their hair, even if Bella's looked beautiful.

The car ride was pretty much quiet from then on, I was sure Bella had fallen asleep by the time I pulled up into the garage. But she popped her head up and shook her hair, mumbling something about being awake. I laughed and she looked over at me sleepily.

The house was quiet, Esme and Carlisle no doubt in bed, I shut and locked the doors and she walked up the stairs, I followed and she went into her room, she left the door open and I popped my head inside.

"Bella, I'll climb into bed and wait for you okay?" I said quietly. She turned towards me and pulled her hair up into a ponytail.

"Hold on, I'm coming." I chuckled and she grabbed her pyjamas. "okay." She stepped forwards and closed the door, leaning up to kiss me once and walked up to my room.

"I thought you were going to have a shower?" I smiled; she yawned and shook her head,

"I'll have one in the morning." She mumbled sleepily. I laughed and she wandered into the bathroom. I shook my head and yawned myself, not really realising how tired I was. I ran my fingers through my hair and looked at the clock. It was nearly one o clock in the morning. I heard her drop something in the bathroom and I chuckled to myself. I got changed quickly into my sweats and she came out of the bathroom in time to see me pull my t-shirt over my head. She smiled and climbed into my bed. I walked over to her side, and raised my eyebrow at her; she rolled her eyes and unzipped her jacket. I had made the rule that if she is sleeping in my room, she isn't wearing her jacket. The only reason she did was to hide herself from me. I didn't want my Bella hiding from me.

She handed it to me and I dropped it on the floor, leaning over the bed and kissed her lips. I crawled onto the bed, hovering on all fours over her while she sucked on my bottom lip sweetly, and rolled onto my side, breaking the kiss. She giggled and I pulled the covers over me. She snuggled closer to my chest and I looked over her arms. There were still some bruises on her wrists and just above her elbows, but the other were fading.

It would only be a matter of time before she would come up with another excuse to postpone telling her mother. I extended my arm and she scooted closer, I wrapped myself around her and she sighed contently, curling her fingers round my t-shirt.

"I missed you last night." She mumbled,

"I missed you too." I said into her hair.

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	15. My Bella was divine

**Okay so we have fluff and we have darkness in this chapter...Oh, and a tiny snippet of mature content near the end....so enjoy... :)**

Bella snuggled closer to me; I didn't want to wake up, not yet. I was having a nice dream. I was sure of it. The light infected my eyes and I pressed my face into a mixture of pillow and hair. I groaned loudly in frustration. There was no way I was getting back to sleep, and the dream was lost, the light was just too bright, and I was pretty much awake. I pulled away from the temporary shelter from the light and looked over at the clock.

It was almost eleven o clock.

"I thought you were going to sleep the day through." Bella giggled, she ran her hand under the fabric of my t-shirt and smoothed the skin just under my shoulder blade. She hummed and clutched at me tighter.

"We missed breakfast." I said into the top of her hair. She chuckled softly and lifted her head up,

"We can have lunch instead." She said happily, I yawned loudly and tried to sit up; she hugged me tighter and buried her face back into my chest. I chuckled and relaxed back into the pillows.

"How long have you been awake?" I asked, bringing my arms up to move her hair away from her face, she shrugged,

"About an hour." She said, I looked down at her and she tilted her head up,

"Why didn't you wake me?"

"You were tired," she said simply, I leant down and kissed her nose and she giggled. She snuggled closer and her hand slid up my arm. I ran my fingertips down her elbow and I looked down, from habit.

"You'll be able to speak to your mother soon?" I said, although it came out more of question, she tensed and I kissed her forehead reassuringly, "Bella, you have to do it, sooner or later." I regretted my choice of words almost instantly and she looked at me pleadingly,

"Later?" she whispered, I linked my fingers with hers and brought her hand to my lips, I kissed her knuckle and shook my head. "Not today." She said, even quieter. I closed my eyes and sighed,

"And then tomorrow it will be, 'not today' nor the next day or the next." I muttered, I heard her breathing hitch and I opened my eyes, tears rimmed her eyes and she blinked, letting one escape the corner of her eye, she lifted her hand and wiped it away and looked down,

"I don't want to." She mumbled, I groaned silently, she knew what happened when she said those words, she had to. I really didn't want to force her hand. I didn't want to make her more upset than she was. I sighed in defeat and took my hand away from hers, her fingers lay limp on my chest and I lifted her chin up.

"Not today, okay?" I whispered, she smiled at me and my heart flew, that little smile was what I craved in the morning, that and the feeling of her lips on mine. "But soon..." I said, she nodded, "I want you to call her next Tuesday. That gives you six days Bella. Tuesday you phone her and tell her you're coming to see her. Tuesday you do it, or I will." I threatened. She bit her lip and I felt rotten. No I didn't feel rotten, I felt sick. Her smile fell and she leant her head into my neck. I felt sick that I had given her that ultimatum. It was really something she didn't want to do, but she had to, it was really the only this whole thing would work. It didn't really matter what excuse I gave I still felt the sinking, sickly feeling. Thoughts flew around my head as she squeezed my tighter and sighed against me, thoughts I didn't want to be there. Thoughts of how cruel this whole thing was, how cruel I was being. I was taking her back to her _nightmare_, after pulling her out. She tilted her head and looked at me, I looked down and she took her hand and smoothed my forehead with her fingertip, she gave me a forced smile and I couldn't take it anymore. I took her hand away from me,

"Bella, I'm just going to have a shower, and then we can go get some lunch." I said softly, she narrowed her eyes but rolled back, taking her arm from round me. I wanted to press a kiss to her skin but I held myself back, I knew she saw through me, she always did. I got out of the bed and stayed where she was, watching me as I walked around it and into the bathroom. I shut the door with a click and locked it.

My hands ran up to my hair and I paced the bathroom tiles. I tugged on it and tried to breathe deeply.

My Bella.

"My Bella." I muttered, I growled and turned the shower on.

It wasn't fair on her, at all. Nothing I ever did was fair on her. It was my fault she was here, sort of. It was my fault she had to go through this stupid thing that had her crying and shaking at the thought. It was my fault she was pleading with me. It was my fault that I had fallen for her. And it was my fault she couldn't do the same. And yet I wanted her so much. I undressed and climbed into the water.

Every fucked up thing that was happening right now was my fault.

I let the stream of heat fall over my head and I put my hand on the tiles to steady myself. That girl, my girl, my Bella, was just too pure to have me in her life. She was lovely and kind and beautiful and accepting and everything that shouldn't be tied to something like me. I tilted my head up and the water cascaded across my chest.

I could tell myself I wasn't good for her all I liked, I could say to myself that I wasn't worthy, it wouldn't stop me from walking into that room and kissing her. It wouldn't stop me from scooping her up in my arms and holding her to me. It wouldn't stop me from loving her.

After I had showered I felt marginally calmer, the stupid sick feeling was there but I was blatantly trying to ignore it. I was denying its very existence. I ran the towel across myself and through my hair as I pulled on my sweat pants.

I had a plan.

I was going to show Bella my piano today; I would play her something nice. I would pour all of my frustration, all my anger, and all my denial into a composition that had been fluttering around in my head for days.

I walked into the bedroom and Bella wasn't there. She just wasn't there. I shrugged and pulled the towel over my hair once more before buttoning a shirt over my chest and changing into some jeans, socks and shoes. A drip of water ran down my neck and I ran my fingers through my damp hair. She would be in her room, I told myself. I opened the door and walked down the hall, her bedroom door was open and I caught movement in the room, I popped my head in and she jumped,

"sorry." I smiled, she looked at me apprehensively, "I have a surprise for you." I said walking fully into her room. She hesitated but smiled at me, I walked up to her and wrapped my arms around her torso, I pressed my lips onto her wet hair and inhaled her scent, she had came in here for a shower, I could smell her soap and her shampoo, all of her deliciousness. I hummed and she kissed my neck,

"A surprise?" she mumbled, I pulled back and smiled widely,

"Yup."

"I don't like surprises." She said, a smile gradually pulling her lips up.

"It's a nice surprise." I reassured,

"What is it?" she asked, tilting her head to the side, I chuckled,

"You do know the meaning of the word surprise right?" I laughed she grumbled and leant up to kiss me. She sighed against my lips and I pressed myself against her fully. Her hands went to my hair and she ran her nails across my scalp lightly, I pulled back and curled my hand around her wrist and linked my fingers with hers, "come on." I said simply, pulling her put of the room. I walked up the hall and she followed silently, I played with her fingers as I made my way to the room I knew that my piano was in. I hadn't played it once while being in Forks, I wanted to get rid of it, but Alice had it bought here without my knowledge, I had ran my hand up and down the ivory when I was exploring the house and found it, not pressing the keys down, but touching them lightly with my fingertips. I grimaced as I remembered the words I had used when I had found out about it. I shook the image of Alice's upset expression and pushed the door open. Bella followed me again and I shut it behind her.

The room was about the size of my bedroom, the only thing really in was the piano and bench. It was first and foremost a spare room, no bathroom, no bed, no other pieces of pointless furniture, just the piano and the bench.

I sighed and dropped her hand to walk over to the white sheet I had put on top of it, just because I didn't play it didn't mean I didn't love it, I kept it clean, I kept it tuned. I pulled off the dust cover faster than I should've, a cloud of dust swirled in the air and I coughed lightly. I dropped it to the floor and ran my hand over the top of it. It was still shiny, and smooth. I tried to ignore how my fingers trembled a little. I felt Bella beside me and I turned to smile at her, she pulled the bench out and sat on one end. I followed _her_ this time. I took a deep breath and lifted the cover from the keys.

Bella looked at me and I smiled at her. I put my fingertips on the top notes of a simple scale and tested myself. Bella giggled at the simple tune and I smiled as the notes came out almost perfectly, the piano was slightly out of tune, but it wouldn't really be noticeable to anyone who didn't listen to this instrument carefully. I smiled to myself at how I noticed it. Maybe it was time to come back to this outlet.

I looked at the keys and tried to transfer my mental composition to my hands. I began a simple string of notes, I lifted my other hand, adding a harmony chord, and tapped the pedals with my feet to get it just right. Bella took a deep breath and I added the other notes, the more complex ones. I looked at the keys and my hands hit the darker part of my melody, the darker part of me. I closed my eyes and let the familiar feeling of the melancholy notes flow through my brain. This was what I was afraid of; I pulled my hands away from the keys and sighed. It was just too easy to slip back. The melodies I had imprinted in my brain were just too hard to shake, they were there, and no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't get rid of them.

I heard a high note tap twice and I opened my eyes, Bella tapped it again with her little finger and hit the next one. I chuckled and she took her hand off, and blushed.

"here." I said, taking her hand and putting her thumb on a note and her middle and index on another, I pressed her hands down and the piano made a simple soft chord sound, she smiled and I moved my hand further up the keys, playing the opposite string of notes. She took her hand away and I took a deep breath. I remembered the sadness in my notes and Bella's humming. I weaved her tune into the dark notes and my hands began playing faster, leaving the depression behind, leaping into a new melody, my imaginary melody. If I couldn't get rid of the old compositions, could I change them?

My hands played a tune similar to the one I had been working on, but it was different, softer, almost sweeter. Bella was influencing me, she was pushing herself into every thought and breath I had and now she was in every note I played. It was beautiful.

When my fingers played the last notes and the sound hung in the air I took my hands up and looked over at Bella. She was smiling hugely, and she put her hand in mine,

"That was beautiful." She said, echoing my earlier thought.

"I think I wrote it for you." I said unsure, "it just kind of came to me." I chuckled, she leant into me and pressed her lips to mine once before pulling back and looking at the piano again, she bit her lip and I laughed again. I took my hand from hers and played a happier, faster tune.

The time was going by rather too quickly, I had played at least seven songs, attempted to give Bella a simple lesson and she had hit four wrong notes in a row, giving up and asking me to play something else. we talked and she told me her mother loved to play piano, but wouldn't remember how to. I heard Bella's stomach grumble and I chuckled, pulling the cover over the keys and taking her downstairs to get something to eat.

Esme was sitting in the kitchen, clicking away on a laptop and smiling to herself. Bella walked into the kitchen first and Esme lifted her head,

"Good...afternoon." she smiled, "do you want me to make you something for lunch?" she asked and hopped off her chair,

"No its fine, I'll do it Esme." Bella said, Esme sat back down and returned to her typing. I leant against the counter,

"What do you want?" she asked sweetly, looking at me,

"I can do it..." I offered, she shushed me and started making us sandwiches.

"Did I hear the piano Edward?" Esme asked too innocently, not looking up from her screen. I froze and watched her take a long sip of her hot drink.

"Edward was playing me something." Bella said from behind me, Esme hummed and looked at me,

"Do you remember that tune you used to play for me Edward?" she asked quietly, I nodded and she smiled sweetly, "my favourite, although the one you were playing earlier comes in close second." She said taking another sip of her drink and looking back at the screen,

"You heard the piano from down here?" Bella asked sliding a plate towards me,

"No I was upstairs, in Carlisle office."

"Where's Alice?" I asked, if she heard the piano she would have ran through the door, broke it down if she had to.

"She's still at Jasper's." Bella said I turned to face her and took a bite out of my sandwich, I raised an eyebrow at her, "she told me she would be back later tonight." She explained.

"And Emmett?" I asked,

"Emmett and Rose are upstairs." Esme said, her tone ended that part of the conversation and I suppressed laughter, the only thing that would make Esme use that tone is if Emmett and Rose were just a little too loud. Bella chuckled quietly and I smiled at her. We ate pretty much in silence, except for the odd question about last night from Esme. When we finished, I washed up and Bella dried, we told Esme we would be upstairs if she needed us and Bella took my hand and we walked up the stairs.

"Edward?" she said closing my door behind me,

"Mm?" I answered, pressing play on the stereo and letting the familiar music fill the room, and she smiled at me,

"I liked my surprise." She said simply, I chuckled and held my hand out for her when the piano tune kicked in. She looked at me in horror and I chuckled, stepping towards her instead and wrapping my arm around her waist, "Edward, I don't dance." She said weakly and tried to pull away, I pressed her closer and made a slow circle with her in my arms, she trembled slightly and I tucked her head under my chin,

"Apparently you do." I smiled, making another circle and clasping our hands together on my chest. She let out a breathless laugh and I closed my eyes. I think in that moment, with Bella in my arms I was perfectly content for a few seconds. Nothing else mattered, nothing else pressed into my brain, nothing plagued my mind for answers. It was just her and me.

She pressed her lips into my neck and I smiled, she tilted her head up and stopped moving,

"Okay enough circles," she whispered, I chuckled and she leant up to kiss me. Her lips pressed onto mine and I kissed her back, our mouths moving slowly but there was something else, there was anticipation leaking through her lips, she was almost buzzing with that electricity that was so common between us. She deepened the kiss and her hand slid around my neck. I hesitated to bring my tongue out to hers. I wasn't sure what she was doing, this kiss wasn't like our others, it was like she had a purpose when she tugged lightly on my hair and touched my lips with her tongue.

I didn't care.

I swept my tongue out and met hers, massaging it sweetly. She made a content sound into my lips, almost like a moan. I pulled back and she licked her lips and opened her eyes slowly. One of her hands fell down my chest and rested on the waistband of my jeans, she pulled her lips to mine again and I responded, kissing her back as passionately as she was kissing me.

Our breathing accelerated quickly and my hands tangled in her hair. she pressed her hips into mine, roughly and moaned again, pulling away and throwing her head back. I kissed along her neck, nibbling the skin. My mind was fuzzy, almost running on nothing but impulse. She pulled on my jeans and my hips jerked forwards, pressing me against her. I groaned and grazed her skin with my teeth.

Her hand ran round to my back and she dipped her fingers past the waistband of my jeans, I pulled back quickly. I couldn't let this go too far, and it was already way too far.

"Bella." I said sadly, I shook my head, she pressed her lips to mine again and I was crumbling,

"Please Edward," she whispered, pulling her lips back a little bit, "please?" she pleaded with me, there was nothing I could do. She wound her hand up to my hair and bought her body back up to mine. I buried my face in the crook of her neck and shook my head in defeat. She touched her lips to my ear and kissed me lightly. My hand travelled up her back and I walked us over to the bed, the rational side of my brain screaming at me to stop.

I pressed her back into the sheets, my lips returned to hers and our tongues danced together sweetly, she hummed into me and ran her hands to the front of my shirt and began unbuttoning it. I released her lips and looked in her eyes while she worked, trying to figure out how I could give her what she wanted, without actually giving her _that._ She pushed the open shirt down my back and she ran her nails down my skin lightly. I groaned and my hips pressed into hers, she felt unbelievably right against me like this. She looped her fingers into the waistband of my jeans and she smoothed the skin there. I couldn't do this, the way my body was now; I would end up losing control and fucking her. I didn't want to fuck her. Okay I did, but not this time, not the first time I could be with her.

"Bella," I whispered, she looked up at me, breathless, "only you, I'm only going to touch you okay?" I whispered, she bit her lip and shook her head.

"I want to..." she ran her hands round to the front of my jeans and my hips bucked towards her,

"Bella, please." I said shaking my head, my will was already wavering; she nodded and moved her hands up my chest.

"Okay Edward, but I want to feel you too." She bit her lip and I almost screamed 'hell yes' at the top of my lungs. But the man who loved her shouted at me, told me this was more than lust,

"Not now, next time." I whispered, pleading her to just accept so I could kiss her.

"Next time." She repeated and I sighed with relief. My lips pressed back to hers and I swept my tongue out almost instantly, and I ran my hands down her sides. I slid my hands between her top and her skin and I felt the softness of her again. She lifted her arms off my neck and indicated for me lift the fabric over her head, I broke this kiss and pulled her top past her head. Her hair fanned out above her and she looked up at me, biting her lip, waiting for me to say something.

I pressed my lips to the top of her collarbone and murmured, "Beautiful." It was the only thing I could really say, the articulate part of my brain switched off and I was running on pure Edward. She giggled a little and ran her hands back up to my hair; I trailed kisses down between her breasts, running over the fabric of her bra and across her ribs. I pulled back and looked at her, there were still some faint marks over her sides and just under her bra, I grimaced and thanked god that I hadn't seen her like this when she first came to me. I don't know what the hell I would've done. She noticed my face and she cupped my cheeks, I looked up at her eyes,

"I'm sorry." She whispered, dropping her hands and looking away from me, my heart clenched painfully and I propped myself up, crawling back up her body so my face was directly above hers.

"Don't ever say that to me again." I said firmly, "You have nothing to apologise for." She looked at me and brushed my hair up and out of my face, she smiled and I pressed a delicate kiss on her lips, telling her how much I loved her. Her hips pushed into mine again and I chuckled, running my hands down to her jeans. "Are you sure?" I couldn't help but ask,

"Of course I'm sure." she whispered. I smiled and dipped my head to kiss her neck as I unbuttoned her jeans. She lifted her hips and I pulled them down, sliding my lips down her stomach and across her hip, down her thigh and over her knee, as I discarded her jeans and socks. I moaned against her skin and I could hear her breathing accelerate as I kissed just under her knee, up and inside her thigh, and once just above the waistband of her panties.

My Bella was divine.

I skimmed my fingers over her hip as I sucked my way back up to her lips and looped my index finger around the fabric. She bucked up against me and wrapped her arms around my neck, drawing my lips to hers. Our tongues met and I slid my palm into her panties. She gasped against my lips and I moved lower, tracing her nerves delicately with my fingertip.

She was so soft, and hot, and wet. I groaned and dropped my head to her shoulder as my hand worked her lovingly. She was rocking her hips up to meet me and whispering incoherent things, tugging on my hair as my fingers moved a little faster. My lips opened around her skin and I placed open mouthed kisses along the arch of her neck. Her gasps and moans got louder when I probed her entrance and moved inside her. she moaned my name breathlessly and my heart soared, I was making her feel this was, I was the one pleasuring her, my name was the one she was moaning. I bought my lips back up to hers and moved my hand faster. She pulled my hair sharply and cried out, arching against me and shuddering. I felt her muscles clamp down and she jolted her hips once more before sort of melting into the sheets. I smiled against her lips and slowed my hand, pulling it out completely. She sighed contently and curled into me; I chuckled and wound my arms around her back.

I was euphoric, just the mere sight of this girl coming apart in my arms, under my touch made me love her just a little more. I kissed the top of her head and she giggled. I would never hear anything so brilliant as her voice gasping and moaning, I would never feel anything better than the feeling of her soft wet skin under mine, and I would never see anything more beautiful than her form shaking with her orgasm. And it was all me, because of me.

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	16. Rejection

**Okay, so this chapter is a little...darker...but I make up for it in the next one...trust me....**

I woke up alone, alone and shaking. Why was I shaking? I sat up and I felt edgy, I tried to remember my dream but all I was getting was this sinking feeling, this horrible, wish-it-would-just-leave feeling. I ran my hands though my hair and pulled them out in front of me, I _was_ shaking. I took a deep breath and shook my head. It sort of felt like I was on the come down from one of my panic attacks, only worse because I was dazed from just waking up. I glanced over at the clock and it was only just past half six. In the morning?

I groaned and ran my fingers through my hair again, the feeling wouldn't go away, it was taunting me, holding onto me and shaking me roughly, demanding attention. I ran the back of hand across my brow and pushed my sweaty hair back, I was sweating? I lay back down and put my hands at my sides, what had me so shaken up? I flicked through my brain; nothing came up, just that stupid feeling in my stomach.

Fuck it.

I couldn't stay in bed while I was feeling like this, I got out of bed and my legs threatened to buckle under my weight, I pushed myself forward and pulled my door open. I walked to the top of the stairs and paused. I fully intended to walk downstairs, but I stopped. I looked at Bella's door and hummed to myself.

She usually calmed me.

I walked the few steps back to her room and went to knock the wood but stopped myself, after our intimate encounter a few days ago, Bella had insisted I not knock her door. I smiled to myself and turned the handle quietly. I could just sneak into her bed; cuddle up to her and this feeling would go away. I closed the door behind me and looked over her sleeping form. That girl was too beautiful, it wasn't fair. I slid between the covers and the mattress and my body came into contact with her, her soft, warm, inviting back. I curled myself around her, pressing my face into the pillow that her hair was fanned across and slowly drew my arm around her waist, so not to wake her.

She moved a little, snuggling deeper into my chest and I propped my elbow up on her pillow and rested my head on it. I looked down at her and smiled again. The feeling shot through me and my smile dropped. What the hell was wrong with me? Bella let out a tiny laugh and whispered something I didn't catch.

Still her sleep talking didn't move the feeling; it was still there, screaming at me that something was wrong, terribly wrong.

Bella's mood shifted, I could feel it in the air. it mixed disgustingly with the feeling and I winced as her face screwed up. For a split second I wished I never came in here, but she parted her lips and she let out a whimper.

"No please, don't leave." She muttered. The feeling had a name. Rejection. My dream came back to me, invading my mind with its perversion of reality.

My Bella, leaving me behind. I was numb, unable to move to hold her to me, unable to scream to tell her not to go, unable to even whisper my devotion as her back walked away from me.

I felt so feeble, so vulnerable, so scared in that moment that all I could do was lean back down onto her bed and press my face into her back, whispering

"I'm here, Bella, I'm here. I'm not leaving, I'll never leave...please don't leave me."

The arm that was wrapped around her waist tightened infinitesimally and she sighed deeply in her sleep, the atmosphere around her changed again and she whispered my name. I wished I hadn't remembered my dream, I wished I hadn't got a name for my feeling, it would make it easier to forget if I couldn't place it. But I could.

I was slightly angry that after all the scenarios my overactive brain could have devised, it subconsciously went for torment, the first dream I remember is the only thing I couldn't bear to see. I could've thought about so many things, so many wonderful things. Bella, the meadow, may family; the piano, everything I now knew I loved and it chose to remember pain.

"Edward?" Bella yawned and turned her body slightly into mine, I didn't say anything, just held on. "Edward, what time is it?" she giggled, I pressed my face into her back,

"I don't know...early." I whispered, she snuggled back into the pillows,

"What's wrong?" she said caringly, I pulled my head up and she looked at me, sleepy and smiling,

"Bella..." I started.

What could I say? Please don't leave me, please stay with me, _I love you_? No I couldn't, not yet. These things meant far too much to me. Her ease was more important than mine.

"I had a bad dream." I muttered, not lying but not giving her all of the truth either, it seemed easier that way. She smiled at me and lifted a hand to run it through my hair.

"Its okay, it was only a dream, Edward."

"It felt so real." I whispered, dropping my eyes, she turned her body and hooked a knee over my thigh, bringing herself closer to me. Her hands tugged at my hair gently, the way she knew I liked and I met her eyes,

"What happened, maybe if you talk about it?" she said; I shook my head and lay back down facing her,

"I don't want to talk about it." I muttered,

"Okay," she said simply, she pushed my head sweetly so I rested on her shoulder and I tightened my arm around her, "I'm here," she whispered sleepily, my eyes widened, "I'm not leaving; I'm not...going anywhere." She said quietly, I swallowed nervously, had she heard what I said earlier? I heard her breathing slow and her fingers stopped playing with my hair and I knew she had fallen asleep, she muttered something again, it sounded like 'never leaving'.

I sighed and the feeling dissolved a little, it was still there, like that stupid 'Charlie and Renee' cloud, but I breathed in Bella's scent, I concentrated on the feeling of her fingers resting in my hair, her body next to mine. I could concentrate on her last conscious words, she wasn't leaving.

_Not yet_, a small part of me whispered,

_Not ever_, the hopeful part shouted.

I was woken by a shrill ringing, even more annoying than my alarm clock, and that was saying something. It was strange, I hadn't even realised that I had fallen asleep, Bella grumbled and tried to move the arm that was under my head, she made a surprised sound and I chuckled, rolling off her and sitting up on the edge of the bed. She hit the alarm clock violently and I laughed again. I felt the weight shift on the bed and her hands slid up my shoulders. I looked behind me and her she rested her chin next to my head,

"Are you feeling better?" she whispered, dragging her hands down, under my arms to rest on my chest. I nodded and she kissed my neck,

"Thank you." I smiled, she hugged me tightly,

"No problem." She giggled, she released me and I turned to grab her again, twisting my body round and pulling her onto my lap, she squirmed and I buried my face in the crook of her neck. She sighed and relaxed into my arms,

"One more minute." I whispered into her, her fingers found the hair at the top of my neck and my hands looped around her back to hold her to me. She giggled and shifted her weight in my lap,

"Edward, I really have to pee." I chuckled and pulled back. She kissed my nose once and hopped off my lap. I felt better, I did. Maybe I had a momentary lapse in my faith at keeping Bella with me. she said this morning she wasn't going anywhere, I should trust her.

I do trust her; I've done nothing but trust her, and love her completely. It was me I didn't trust. How could I hold her? How could I prove myself? The simple answer was I couldn't. The not so simple answer screamed in my head, the one that ran through all the confusing questions like, could she love me back? Could I be worth her love?

Would I let her love me?

I shook my head, there was a reason I locked these thoughts away. I remembered that my love was unconditional, that I would tell her, some day. I wasn't being with her so I could make her love me back; I wasn't trying to prove myself. I was showing Bella that someone could love her, truly, that she could trust someone.

"Ok, now you can hug me." she said happily jumping back into my lap, I chuckled at her and ran my fingers through her soft hair, "oh no, what's that brain doing to you now?" she said sadly, running her fingers across my forehead. I shook my head and she smiled, "I have an idea for today, to take your mind off that dream." She looped her arms around my neck and I smiled at her,

"An idea?" I repeated,

"Mm hmm. Where is your favourite place in the whole world?" she said tilting her head back and shaking her hair behind her,

In your arms, I wanted to say, _bloody hell, I'm becoming such a sap_. Instead I shrugged, I ran through all my favourite places and she looked at me expectantly,

"The meadow I guess." I said, she smiled hugely as if that's what she wanted to hear.

"So, guess where we are going?" she said happily.

"Olive garden?" I asked, she raised her eyebrows at me and I laughed.

Breakfast was quiet, Alice kept looking at me strangely, Esme was sipping her coffee, reading the newspaper and Emmett was stuffing his face as usual. I took a bite of my toast and looked up at Alice who was now looking at Bella,

"Okay what's up?" I said putting my toast down,

She put hers down too and folded her arms across her chest, "you are Edward Cullen."

"Me? What did I do?" I asked shocked, Emmet rolled his eyes and Esme chuckled, Bella watched our exchange intently and I couldn't for the life of me think about what Alice was talking about.

"You owe me one hell of an apology." She said firmly,

"Oh lord." Emmett groaned, he stood up and took two bites of his toast before nodding in Esme's direction and leaving the kitchen. I looked at Esme and she was looking at Alice,

"Ali, maybe it would be best to leave it?"

"No I don't think I can." She said looking off to the side, Esme put down her paper and chuckled to herself, walking out of the kitchen, Bella bit into her toast and the sound was loud in the silence of the kitchen, I was still pretty much bewildered.

"Okay, help me out, what do I have to apologise for?" I said shaking my head, she looked at me and sighed,

"you played your piano for Bella," she said annoyingly, "how long have I been trying to get you to touch the damn thing, let alone play it?" she said throwing her arms up in the air, the whole place went silent and Bella broke it by giggling, I couldn't help myself but laugh too, "this isn't funny." She whined, she was right. I did owe her an apology. The way I spoke to her when I found out she had bought my piano, the tone I had used when I snapped at her, every time she bugged me to play it. My chuckle died and so did Bella's,

"You're right Alice, I'm sorry, the way I behaved before, it wasn't..."

"You?" Bella finished, I looked up at her, and Alice huffed,

"no not that, I'm over that, you have to apologise for not telling me," she groaned, "or playing while I was there, I mean you couldn't have waited a few hours for me to come home?" I resisted the urge to chuckle and put on my best serious face.

"You're right, I should've told you."

"good." She said, picking up her toast and biting into it,

"In Edward's defence it was sort of a spur of the moment type thing." Bella said happily, I chuckled and Alice glared playfully at me.

"I'll play for you I promise." I said laughing, she brightened up and Bella coughed, "not today," I finished looking at my toast and finishing it before I looked up, Alice was looking between me and Bella,

"We are going out." Bella said simply, I nodded and Alice got up from the table,

"Soon, mister." She said firmly and flicked her hair dramatically and walked out. Bella started giggling and I couldn't help but join her, I stacked the plates and washed them while Bella made us some lunch to take with us. She was zipping up the backpack when I turned around.

"Ready?" she said sweetly, I nodded my head and she grabbed her jacket and I followed out, "Emmett already gave me the keys." She said matter-of-factly throwing me the keys; I leant forward to catch them from her short throw and chuckled.

"When?"

"Earlier when we first came downstairs." She said simply opening the door, I climbed in and she was buckling up her harness. I clipped up mine and she clicked her last one in place and took a deep breath, I laughed and turned the key.

The journey to the meadow wasn't as bad as before, maybe because Bella knew what to expect. I didn't care, the bumpy ride let me block out the thoughts my mind wanted to think, every time I would get that feeling I would look over at Bella and she would smile or jump in her seat and make the cutest face of shock, it would just push it all away. But I knew it was temporary. They would come back.

I shut the engine off and she let out a huge sigh, she took her hands off the dashboard and looked over at me, I laughed and swiftly unbuckled my belts and got out of the car. She hopped out just as I went to open her door and wobbled on the floor. I put my hands on her to steady her and she smiled.

It wasn't as clear as it was the last time we were here, but it was warm. Warm enough to lay down on the blanket and look up at the white clouds. Bella lay next to me, our arms touching as she pointed up the clouds and told me they looked like things, I personally couldn't see it. They were just clouds. But I was relaxing, and Bella was pushing that feeling away, further than I could have alone. I realised as I was lying there that I craved her company, I mean I _knew_ it. But it hit me hard how much I really needed her. She laughed and pointed to a duck shaped cloud and I took a shaky breath, she was completely unaware how much necessary she was to my...survival, really. I tried to imagine what my life would be like if I never had her. I couldn't, I just couldn't. It wasn't like there was darkness or there was the depression, I just couldn't picture it, there was no darkness there was no light, there was no Edward. I even tried to remember what it was like when I didn't have her, I grimaced and she giggled, pointing to a 'dog'.

"Edward?" Bella's voice came to me; I shook my head from the thoughts of driving down that road in the rain, and looked at her, "are you okay?"

I nodded and smiled at her, I was okay. More than okay. She leant up on her forearm and looked at me hesitantly, "I am, Bella, really." She leant down and pressed her lips to mine, kissing me softly before pulling back,

"Okay," she smiled, "are you hungry?" I chuckled and she pulled back and lifted the backpack onto her knees. I sat up and she handed me a container.

***sigh* so not really and ending...but we have a majour sweetness and "aww" worthy chapter coming up.... :)**


	17. I promise

** Remember I said lemons?...17 chapters and I finally get there...so mature content warning, tho its only a teeny one, cuz I wrote it more emotionally than physically.... :)**

"That one?" she asked, pointing upwards, I laughed. She was so far off point it was funny. I took her wrist and guided her hand to the stars I was talking about, the clouds were quickly coming over the sky and there were patches of open sky where we could see the stars,

"No, there." I said, still smiling. Her hand went limp in my wrist and I felt her head turn towards me. I copied her movement; her eyes were sparkling in the tiny bit of moonlight that filtered through here. I smiled at her and dropped our hands, her fingers twining with mine. She leant forward and pressed her lips to mine. These were the moments my heart lived for. Her kisses, her caresses, her gentle stares. My other hand lifted and cupped her cheek, opening my lips against hers, she sighed against me, filling me with her breath and our kiss became more heated. More passionate. I slid my tongue out, begging for permission, begging for her to let me taste her. She took my tongue and met it with hers, tasting me as I was tasting her. It was still so strange to be so open with her. That electricity was back and I knew she was kissing me with a purpose, she was determined as she softly sucked on my lips.

It was strange to be this open with anyone. But with Bella it was different, I loved her. I never loved any of the other girls I had been with, they were just cold comfort. But Bella? She was so much more. And even if I couldn't tell her, I resolved to take what I could get.

She broke away, gasping for air, but I trailed down her jaw, sucking on her skin. If it were possible I wouldn't take my lips off her, ever. She moaned and ran her fingers through my hair, pulling it slightly. It had a completely different affect on me when she did it this time . I felt my pants tighten and I moaned into her collarbone, sneaking my tongue out and tasting her. I rolled over and found myself hovering between her parted legs, moving further down her chest, her hands were massaging my scalp, her lips panting as I kissed her skin.

It was too late, but I realised I was showering her with my love, trying to convey to her, how much I truly cared for her without saying the words, without asking her to love me back. It was the first time in a long time that I had been completely selfless. I ground my hips into her and she moaned loudly, I came back down to earth.

We couldn't do this.

I wasn't ready for this with her, I would touch her and pleasure her and love her with everything I had, but not this, not yet.

I pulled back and she whimpered, I sat up on my knees, her hand falling from my hair as I gazed down at her. My fingers had unzipped part of her jacket and she was breathing heavily, flushed a beautiful red shade as she looked up at me.

"Edward what's wrong?" she breathed out, crawling up and running her hands up my covered chest and round my neck,

"We can't do this," I whispered sadly, she bought her head up to me and brushed my lips with hers, I almost sobbed into her.

"why not?" she whispered back, her lips moving against mine, I gasped when her tongue came out to taste my bottom lip, but I shook my head, trying to not let her meddle with my thoughts, it would be too easy to give in.

"Because,"

"Because? That's not a reason." She scoffed leaning back to look at me, she had me there, it wasn't a reason, and my mind flew at all the trivial reasons. There was too much going on? _I've used that one._ We were outside? _Not good enough_. Cold? _It was summer_. She didn't want to? _She blatantly did, and so did I_. No protection? _Ah no protection_,

"No protection Bella." I shook my head, miserable that I had came to a conclusive reason why we couldn't do this,

"Birth control pills Edward. Please?" she pressed her lips into my neck and I trembled. My control was wavering, with that one word, that one 'please' I was breaking, and then she said it again, lifting her head and looking me directly in my eyes, breaking me completely.

I pressed into her, skimming her cheeks with my lips until I reached hers. She drew my bottom lip in-between hers and we toppled forwards, my weight on her as she sucked and played with my lip, her mouth pressed more fully on mine and I felt her tongue sneak out again. Her hands unzipped my jacket, and I was surprised to feel mine doing the same thing to her. She pushed mine off me and I copied her movement, breaking the kiss to explore her neck while she unbuttoned my shirt.

This was Bella, I would treat her right. After everything she had been though she deserved that much. And if she couldn't love me I would give her all of my love. All of it. And I would give her what she wanted. I needed to calm myself as visions of me pleasuring the girl below me flooded my brain, making me painfully hard in my jeans. My shirt was being pushed down my shoulders, and I moved back a little so she could get it off. My own hands went to the bottom of her top and I pulled it up over her head. There were still some faint marks across her ribs. I ran my lips down her chest and followed each bruise, tracing them as though not to hurt her. I kissed her bellybutton and she moaned. She pulled on my hair, bringing me back up so our lips tangled together again. I felt her fingers pull at my jeans and they loosened, her fingertips hooked around them and she pulled them down my thighs. I kicked them off, never leaving her lips and ran my hands up and down her sides, unbuttoning her own jeans and pulling them down. I broke the kiss and looked into her eyes as I caressed her legs, her hips, her stomach, any place I could touch. She smiled up at me and leant forward, kissing my nose before giggling and running her hand through my hair. I bent my head down and kissed her jaw, as my hand went round behind her to unclasp her bra. I pulled the straps over her arms and followed the path with my lips.

She was beautiful, absolutely, beyond words beauty. I whispered her name on her skin, worshipping her in the only way I could. She moaned my name and I placed two soft kisses on each of her breasts, my fingers running down her to hook her around her panties. I felt her ankles and feet pushing my boxers down, and I chuckled into her skin, helping them off.

My lips were inches from her hip and I pressed a kiss just above her core. She gasped and bucked her hips up towards me. I smoothed the skin at her thighs and bent my head down to where she clearly wanted me to go. I heard her gasp when I flicked my tongue out to taste her and I groaned. She was delicious; if I could stay here I would die happy. I greedily sucked and nibbled at her until she was writhing under me, moaning my name in the most sensual way. I probed her entrance with my fingertip and she thrust up towards me again. It wasn't long before I could feel her tightening around my fingers as I kissed her nerves, she cried out, shaking into me as she rode out her climax. I smiled into her and kissed her lovingly as she came down from her high.

"Edward, please," she breathed, I crawled up her body, hovering over her. I felt her legs press into my thighs. I held my weight on my forearms and stroked her hair with my fingers, trying to tell her without my words that I loved her, again. She looked at me and smiled sweetly. Her legs wrapped around my waist and she drew me closer. I felt myself graze her entrance and I moaned, closing my eyes and dropping my head by her shoulder, I breathed in her scent and tried to calm myself.

I pushed into her and she let out a deep breath against my neck, kissing it lightly. I stayed still, trying to get used to feeling of being in my Bella, to feel all of her. But she bucked her hips up and I groaned into her shoulder, pulling out and thrusting back into her. It was surreal. Like nothing I had felt before. Making love to Bella was like finally realising that I belonged here. I knew that I had a purpose. I was here to love her. And I couldn't even think about not being here for her. And I would always be here for her. I would always be in her life as long as she would have me, and I would give her everything I had, I would give her my love, I would give her my life, my soul, my every breath.

She moaned and I kissed her neck, bringing my hips to hers, I could feel my own pleasure building, she dug her nails into my back and pleaded for me to go faster. I would give her whatever she wanted. Our pace was becoming frantic, and I was holding off, I put my hand between us and caressed her nerves, to bring her to another climax. I loved to see her come because of me. She arched up to me and cried my name into the sky. I felt a few tiny raindrops on my back, but I didn't stop, wanting to draw her orgasm out as long as possible. But the sight of her, panting wildly, shaking in pleasure while she said my name, undone me. I thrust twice more before coming. I clutched onto her and shook, breathing rapidly into her hair.

I wanted to tell her in that second, I wanted so much to utter the three words, but I didn't, I let the bliss wash over her without the burden of my love weighing her down. My own bliss overwhelmed me, and I knew with my new revelation still strong, that this was it, that we were forever connected. The rain started falling heavier and she didn't move. I raised my head, still buried inside her and smiled, I felt a drop run down my forehead and onto my nose. I shook my head and she giggled.

The rain plummeted down from the sky quickly, changing in an instant. She squealed and I leapt up off her, I grabbed our clothes and backpack, and we half ran to the jeep. I slammed the door shut and she started laughing. I couldn't help but join in. We were both soaking wet, and naked. In Emmett's jeep. I handed her clothes and she started dressing, still shaking with her laughter. This wasn't the ending I planned for tonight but it would do, I pulled my t-shirt over my head and a pair of lips crashed onto mine. I closed my eyes and put my hand up to cup her cheek, deepening the kiss without hesitation. She hummed into me and pulled back, smiling hugely.

"That was amazing Edward thank you." She whispered, kissing me once more. She pulled back and I laughed turning the keys in the ignition and pulling away without much difficulty from the meadow.

We got back to the house and we were different, not to mention soaking wet. It was like I _had_ to touch her, I clasped my hand in hers as we walked into the living room,

"Oh my god why are you two soaking?" Alice asked, gasping at us.

Bella giggled and I nuzzled her neck with my nose, "the rain got us, it's like a storm out there." she laughed, I kissed her ear and Esme cleared her throat, I pulled back instantly and straightened up, nodding my apology, Alice smiled and Emmett chuckled. Bella pulled my arm and led me upstairs, "I think I need to get dry clothes on." she giggled.

"mm. Me too," I agreed, we stopped by her door, and she turned into me and leant up, kissing my neck and jaw. I smiled and bent my lips to hers, drawing out my tongue to taste her almost instantly, she hummed into my lips and her hand found my hair. My hands skimmed down her sides, and our kiss became more heated. I moaned into her and she tugged my hair. I felt her back hit the door and my hand curled around her hip, she pressed her hips into mine and broke away from my lips. She laid her forehead against mine and we both were breathless, staring into each others eyes.

"Maybe we should...go and get changed." She bit her lip and my eyes darted to it, I nodded and before I really knew what I was doing I had wrapped my lips around her bottom lip, sucking it gently. She closed her eyes and gasped, filling me with her sweet breath. Hearing her gasp like that, feeling her pressed against me did absolutely nothing for my self control. I felt myself reacting completely to her body. And we couldn't get much further, not with everyone downstairs. And despite the heat that was emanating from our bodies I could feel her skin erupting into goosebumps from the wet, cold clothes. I let her lip go reluctantly and stepped back, still trying to control my own breathing. She rested her head against the door and closed her eyes. I leaned in unexpectedly, to give her one chaste kiss, before walking down to my own bedroom. I looked back at her as I opened my door and she smiled at me, copying my movement. I didn't want to take my eyes off her; I didn't want to shut the door behind me. I wanted her to come running through my door, I wanted her to jump up and wrap her legs around my waist, and I wanted to kiss her.

I heard the shower start in the other room and I smiled to myself. Bella. My Bella. Me and my Bella. I was euphoric. I had truly been with her, and I had shown her, that I loved her. There wasn't much else I could do. I still knew I couldn't tell her, I couldn't actually say the words. I was terrified she would tell me what I already knew; I was terrified that she would say that she couldn't love me. And even more terrified that she would leave me, that she would say it wasn't fair. I shook my head to banish my thoughts and ran myself a shower, I _was_ getting pretty cold.

After I had gotten myself warm and into some dry clothes I glanced at the clock, it was just past one o'clock in the morning, I idly wondered what time we even got back tonight. But I didn't really care, I still had Bella's, scent, her touch, her sounds in my mind. I smiled and walked into my bedroom, wondering if I should go to her room. Would she want me there? I was sure the answer would be a yes. It was always a yes. I smiled at the thought and walked over to my door, I pulled it open and nearly crashed into Bella.

"Oh god! Edward!" she swatted my on my arm and I laughed folding my arms across my chest and leant back on my heels. "Well can I come in?" she asked looking up at me through her lashes. I laughed again and moved to the side to let her pass, she didn't hesitate in climbing straight into my bed.

"Bella?" I asked, humour dripping from my voice.

"Oh sorry, we're switching beds. Yours is far more comfortable, have a nice sleep Edward, off you go." She waved her hand dismissively and turned around, snuggling into my blankets.

"Mm hmm." I hummed; I looked at the open door, "goodnight then Bella." I said quietly, stifling my chuckle as I flicked the light off and shut the door, not moving from my spot.

"Edward?" her voice whispered, I held my breath and didn't answer her. Instead I crept silently towards the bed. I slid into under the covers quickly and she jumped, flying upwards. I laughed and she was breathing heavily. "I thought you actually left me." she laughed, lying backwards into my arms. I cuddled her tightly and pulled the blanket back over us,

"I wouldn't leave you Bella." I said nuzzling her hair. She turned and pressed a kiss into my neck. I smiled and she tightened her grip on me. She didn't realise how literal I meant that statement, but I did.

"Promise?" she mumbled, I laughed quietly into her hair

"I promise,"

**Okay, so I know its not *totally* obvious, but Edward did have a mini epiphany, the whole, 'Making love to Bella was like finally realising that I belonged here' thing, is the main point I tried to get across,**

**And is it weird that in a love story between Edward and Bella, we have 17 chapters and yet no professions of love? lol**

**Next chapter... :( thats all I'm saying....**

**and as always review me....I do *love* them so....**


	18. Bella please don't go

I woke up to warm wet kisses on my neck, I hummed contently and I felt her smile against me. She kissed up my chin and brushed her lips softly against my bottom lip,

"What time is it?" I whispered, she pulled back and I opened my eyes,

"I wake you up in the most sweetest way I could think of, and the first thing you say is 'what time is it?'" she scoffed and rolled away from me, I curled up into her and put my head on her stomach, draping my arm over her hip and holding her tightly,

"Sorry," I chuckled,

"I could've let you wake up to your alarm clock." She said,

"I know, I'm glad you didn't," I looked up at her and she smiled at me, "I like waking up to you instead." I pressed my lips just below her breast over her top, she closed her eyes and her hands found my hair. I ran my hand across her hip and pushed her top up so I could kiss her belly button and then just above it, I stopped and pulled back, she opened her eyes and I looked over at the clock. It was quarter to nine.

She sighed and rolled out of the bed, "Bella?" I asked confused, I held my arms out, willing her to come to me, to come back to bed for a little longer, she shook her head and walked into the bathroom. I let my head fall against the pillows; I yawned and closed my eyes.

I heard the shower turn on and Bella's voice, "are you coming in here or what?" she giggled. I rolled out of the bed and put my feet on the floor, I laughed sleepily and walked over to the bathroom door, it was open and I popped my head in, Bella was already in the shower and the room was filled with foggy steam, I chuckled to myself and tapped the glass of the shower door. She turned slowly and ran her hands over her wet hair; she opened it slightly and looked at my still dressed form, she closed the door.

I quickly shed my clothing and she opened the door again. I climbed in and she wrapped her arms under mine. I chuckled and she turned my body into the spray. The hot water ran down my back and I curled my arms around Bella, running my fingers down the curve of her back. I bent my head down and kissed her head; she hummed and pressed a kiss against my shoulder.

I think I was the most peaceful I had ever been in my life, the reason for my whole being was wrapped around me, no barriers, no limits, just me and her, and a hot stream of water. She pulled back slightly and reached for my body wash, coating my chest in soapy bubbles, she stood close to me and pressed her body into mine again, my hands came up and covered her with the same silky wash. She sank to her knees in front of me, drawing the soap up my legs and over my thighs.

Here in this shower was the meaning behind it all. And there was this incredible feeling. The feeling that she was mine, and I was hers. She stood behind me and washed my skin softly, she ran her hands over my neck and I closed my eyes, she felt amazing. She giggled and pulled me backwards into the water, she rinsed me and ran her hands up my back, kissing random spots and wrapping her arms around my chest.

I turned in her grasp and ran my hands over her slightly slippery body, moving over her shoulders, her chest, her stomach, her hips, her thighs. Every place I could touch I did. I travelled around her body, searching every part of it. She was so perfect, and mine. I smiled and kissed the back of her knee before sliding my hand over it, covering her with my wash. Every piece of skin, every curve she had, ever tiny spot that I touched, I found excruciatingly wonderful, beautiful. I ran back up her body and rinsed her under the water, like she had done to me, stroking her skin as the water cascaded down her. She picked up my shampoo and handed it to me, turning around slightly so her hair fell behind her. I kissed her neck and put some on my hand.

I ran it through her hair, massaging her scalp with my fingertips, she hummed loudly and rested the back of her head on me shoulder, I chuckled and ran my hands down her chest.

This wasn't a sexual thing; this wasn't about lust, or getting off. This was sensual, about pleasure, about exploring each other.

And I was completely out of my depth.

I ran her head under the spray and rubbed my hands through it to get the shampoo out, she smiled at me and I washed my own hair quickly because she was too short. She kissed my chest when I was under the water and nipped at my skin sweetly.

"Thank you Edward." She said softly,

"What for?" I asked, she wrapped her arms around me and dropped her eyes,

"For everything, for saving me, for protecting me, for pushing me in the right direction, for holding me and kissing me and showing me that I can really trust someone."

What was I supposed to say to that? I just wrapped my arms around her and squeezed her against my chest.

"Bella I should be thanking you." I whispered I hoped she didn't hear me; I was being ridiculously caught up in the moment, saying things I wanted to keep locked up. She looked up to me and furrowed her brow,

"Thank me for what?" I sighed and kissed her forehead, not really thinking about what I was saying,

"You bought me out of the dark." I murmured, she tilted her head down and touched my chest with her cheek, "Bella I don't know what you've done, but I'm not..." I paused, I didn't have a word to say, what was I before? Before Bella? I didn't know. "I'm not the way I was, you've changed me, and I've never felt this way before, you've changed me into something better." I took a deep breath, and trembled slightly. "It's like every thought I have is about you or I don't feel right if I'm not touching you." I thought over my words and I realised that in one way I had told her. "I'm so lost." I whispered.

She looked up at me and reached up to turn the shower off, she smiled and I knew it was okay, she was smiling, easing me out of what was making me so scared. She pulled me out of the glass doors. I picked a towel up from the basket and ran it over her shoulders. She tangled her fingers in my wet hair and pushed it back as I worked on drying her body. She picked another one up and dragged it over my chest, drying me as softly as I was drying her. I kissed along her arm as I drew the towel down and she wrapped hers around my waist and squeezed my backside through it, I looked at her and raised my eyes brows and she giggled.

Her body was so smooth and soft, I loved every part of it. And she smelt like a delicious mixture of her own scent and my body wash. It was like I was all over, in her hair, on her back, in the bend of her elbow, the tops of her thighs. I ran my nose over her stomach and she sighed, shuffling the towel quickly through my hair. I stood up and she left it on my head, I shook it and it dropped to the floor.

"You have no idea how cute that was." She laughed, I scooped her body up and she squealed,

"Cute?" I repeated, she laughed and I growled, playfully nipping my teeth at her neck, "I am not cute." I said, she laughed and kicked her legs,

"I have to disagree." I snapped my head up and looked at her in disbelief,

"Oh really?" she bit her lip and nodded, "oh well we'll see about that." I said firmly, lifting her up and throwing her gently over my shoulder she made a shocked squeak and I walked into my bedroom. I flipped her onto my bed and crawled over the top of her, she licked her lips and I bent down to take them in mine.

I heard a knock at the door and I looked over at it annoyed, Bella laughed loudly and I got up off her and pulled on my sweat pants before opening it, Alice was standing there, practically bouncing in her spot,

"Oh!" Bella half shouted and rolled upwards, she lost her balance and fell off the bed, I heard the thud on the floor and Bella's head popped up from the side of the bed, "I'll be downstairs in about ten minutes Ali, I promise." She said Alice groaned and looked at me accusingly before trudging down the hall. Bella groaned and stood up, she quick stepped back into the bathroom and came back out pulling her top over her head, her pyjama pants back on and she was running a towel through her hair, "I promised Alice I would go school shopping with her." she grumbled, I chuckled and she wrapped her arms around me, throwing the towel on the hamper, "when I get back, I promise, we will pick up, _exactly_ where we left off." She said and kissed my lips once before pulling open the door and running to her room.

I shut the door and groaned. I wanted to spend the day with Bella today, I wanted to spend every day with her, but this was different. We were on a whole new level today; I was close to telling her just how much I loved her. I _wanted_ to.

Even if we only had a few more days before Tuesday.

I briefly wondered how long she would be at her mothers, how long I would have to go without her. I was sure I would be okay, I would wait for her, and we would be able to get through this horrible cloud.

I groaned and got dressed, I wasn't in the mood for a run today, I just wanted to rest, and wait for my Bella. I knew she would be tired from the trip with Alice. I thought about cuddling up to her and holding her against me, kissing her and making her sigh. I smiled to myself and walked downstairs, I heard the front door shut, I had just missed them. I chuckled and walked into the kitchen.

"Morning Edward." Emmet said happily.

"morning." I copied sitting in my seat and biting into a piece of toast.

The day went quickly, Emmett challenged me to round of virtual fighting and he so thoroughly kicked my ass, he tried to show me how to do it, but I just wasn't getting it, it was stupid but I was having a good time. He threw the controller down after the eighth time beating me and told me I was a lost cause. Esme came downstairs and told us she was going shopping and I offered to come with her, but she refused. It was about noon when Emmett turned his game console off and walked up the stairs mumbling about my inability to play computer games without Bella. I just chuckled at him and flicked the TV on, not really watching it.

"_Exactly where we left off."_ I thought to myself, I smiled and sank further into the chair. I sighed; I loved that girl too much. Can anyone love someone too much?

I heard Alice at the front door and I stood up, my Bella was back. I went to embrace her in my arms when she walked through the door, but she looked at me and bit her lip,

"I don't feel very well." She rasped, she sounded shaky, almost terrified of something. My stomach plummeted and I touched her shoulder, she flinched and screwed her eyes shut.

"Bella?" I questioned.

"I'm sorry, I just..." she turned on her heels and walked upstairs, my heart clenched painfully and I turned to Alice,

"What the hell happened?" I asked, she shrugged,

"I don't know, we went past the food court and she just stopped dead in her tracks, I had to shake her to snap her out of it, then when I asked what was wrong she said she felt sick and wanted to go home." She looked at me and I opened my mouth to say something, but nothing would come, I had no idea what was wrong with her, neither did Alice.

I nodded towards the stairs and she smiled at me. I took them two at a time, breathless by the time I got to the top. I stopped at her door and I began to panic. My heartbeat thrashed against my chest and I went to turn the handle, it wouldn't budge. She had locked it.

She had locked the door.

She locked me out.

I knocked the door and pressed my ear against it, "Bella?" I called through the wood, I was really panicky now, I wanted to break the door down, I wanted to know why she had locked it, what had happened. I heard shuffling about and drawers being shut. I tried pushing the door, it sounded like she was packing. I knocked it a little harder, "Bella please open the door." I said loudly, angrily.

My heart raced and my hands were shaking, was she leaving? What happened? What was she doing? The door clicked and I put my hand on it, opening it slowly in case she was behind it. I looked at my Bella. She had her duffle bag open on her bed, her clothes packed messily into it. Her face was red and tear stained, her jacket half zipped and her hair tied up in a messy ponytail.

"Bella what is going on?" I half shouted, she bit her lip and let out a sob, I went to hug her and she collapsed into my arms, breathing heavily into my shirt and crying,

"I have to leave." She said between sobs, I felt a pain in my chest and I pulled her back, she tried to hold on but I was stronger,

"What do you mean you have to leave?" I asked confused, she shook her head and I heard a loud knock coming from downstairs, she gasped and her breathing accelerated wildly, she pulled away from me and ran to her bed, she zipped her bag quickly and pulled it over her shoulder, she went to run past me but I grabbed her shoulders, "Bella tell me what's going on." I said angrily,

"Bella!" I heard a man's voice shout from downstairs, an unfamiliar voice, Bella started shaking in my arms and her breathing intensified, if that were at all possible, she shot a panicked look at the door and I heard Alice's voice arguing with someone. Her bag slid to the floor and I shook her, she wasn't answering me,

"Edward!" I heard Alice call up the stairs and my head shot in the direction,

"Bella, who is downstairs?" I asked, she shook her head and more tears escaped her eyes, I let her arms go and walked out of her room to the top of the stairs, I glanced at her doorway and she popped her head out, I walked down the stairs quickly to see why Alice was shouting my name and I she looked flustered,

"Edward I have no idea who he is, he just wants to see Bella." She said gesturing towards the door, "I wouldn't let him in because he was shouting. Edward, Emmett has threatened to phone the police." She said quietly,

"Where is he?" I asked her putting a reassuring arm on her shoulder,

"In the kitchen, with Jasper." She said shakily, I turned towards the door and whoever was behind it knocked it impatiently again.

"Okay, go in the kitchen, and stay in there, okay? Tell Emmett not to phone the police, the last thing we need is Charlie coming here." I said, she nodded and I watched her leave, I turned to the door and opened it quickly.

There was a large man at the door, dark skinned, long dark hair pulled back, he had his arms folded across his chest and he looked me up and down,

"You Edward Cullen?" he said gruffly, I nodded and he chuckled,

"And you are...?"

"Jacob, I want to speak to Bella."

I think my whole world collapsed, there was no room in my body for anything other than the seething hatred, the anger that was boiling in my blood, every molecule in my body wanted to propel myself forward and cause this man some serious harm. I felt a tiny hand on my arm and I heard a sniff. My hand was clutching the door painfully and I released it flexing my fingers. I looked down and Bella was standing next to me. I stood in front of her and shielded her from Jacob's line of view; there was no way he was going to so much as look at my Bella. She stepped around me and put a hand on my chest. I calmed instantly.

"Bella you are supposed to be in Phoenix." He snapped, she flinched slightly and downcast her eyes. I wanted to scream at her, tell her not to fold so easily to him, I wanted to punch Jacob square in his jaw and break it for making my Bella so nervous, so scared. "what the fuck are you doing here?" he half shouted, I moved forward a tiny inch, the need to hurt him flaring violently, Bella touched me again and I looked down at her, she met my eyes and she bit her lip, she turned to Jacob,

"What do you want?" she asked quietly, her voice shaky. She wasn't defiant, she wasn't strong, she was nothing like the Bella I had come to love, she was a shaking quivering mess of defeat.

"I just want to talk to you," he said softly, my head snapped in his direction. "Please?"

What the fuck? Who was he, Jekyll and Hyde? I opened my mouth to tell him Bella wasn't going anywhere with him, ever. But she stopped me,

"Okay Jake," she said quietly.

"Bella, you can't go with him." I said in disbelief, she shook her head and looked at me,

"I'll be back in an hour." She whispered, she leant up on her tiptoes and kissed my frozen lips.

"Bella please don't go." I pleaded. She ran her thumb across my cheek and stepped across the threshold of the door. Jacob went to put his hand on her back but she moved away from him and he dropped it. I watched them as she walked by his side to his car, a tiny thing parked on the edge of the lawn. They didn't drive anywhere; they just sat in the car. The door shut in front of my face and Emmett put his hand on my shoulder,

"She'll be okay." He said calmly, My body instantly repelled against the words, wanted to fight for her, but who would I fight? Bella?

Emmett was right; there were far too many witnesses if he were to do something, witnesses no one could ignore. I sighed loudly and ran my hands through my hair, everything had happened so fast, she was going against every sensible option, I was going against every instinct that screamed for me to protect her. But if it was her choice could I say anything? If she chose to climb into that car with the person who had hurt her, could I say a thing?

It was Bella, it was all Bella. It was always her. She was the centre of everything.

"Where's Bella?" Alice said panicky from behind me, I sat on the bottom step of the stair case and waved at the door dejectedly, "she went with him?" she said shocked,

"Ali he just wants to talk to her, Bella wouldn't have gone if she thought something else would happen." Emmett soothed, he put this hand on her shoulder and she nodded. I knew they were right, Bella was sensible, at the first sign of danger she would have bolted, like she was trying to do earlier, but just because I knew it didn't mean I liked it.

The door opened and I jumped up, Carlisle stepped inside the house and looked at us with a puzzled expression. "Why is there a car outside the lawn? He asked, I sat back down and put my head in my hands, at least they were still out there.

"Jacob saw Bella in Port Angeles; he wanted to talk to her." Alice said sadly, Carlisle put this bag on the floor and took his jacket off,

"Jacob?"He asked,

"Bella's ex boyfriend." I groaned,

"Why is she in the car with him alone?" Carlisle asked, rather angrily, I snapped my head up and looked at him.

"Whoa dad, he only wants to talk to her." Emmett said, Alice looked around nervously and Carlisle looked at me, there was an awkward silence between the three of us and Emmett looked around, "what?" he said sharply, "what am I missing?"

"Edward." Alice said softly, I put my head in my hands again,

"They didn't know she was here." Carlisle said,

"And...he used to beat her." I finished, the room went silent again and I heard Emmett shuffle his feet.

"Why the hell did you let her go out there with him?!" he yelled, he went to open the door and I looked up at him,

"Em," I said firmly, he stopped and looked at me, "she wanted to talk to him, and you were right when you said earlier she wouldn't have gone if she thought something would happen."

"Yeah that was before I knew he used to hit her. Did you see the size of him Edward?" he growled, I grimaced,

I heard shouting on the other side of the door and everyone froze, I wasn't even sure we were breathing.

***sigh* I know it's not really an ending but...**

**In my defence the day without Bella went little faster than I'd planned, making the whole ending seem a little rushed...but that's how it came out...*shrug***

**Oh...Jacob saw Bella in Port Angeles, he was with Embry and Quil...They told him that the girl she was with was Alice Cullen, that's how he knew to go there for her... **

**The next chapter...gets worse...I did warn you though...Fluff then darkness...Oh and review me...yay... :)**


	19. He can’t take me away

**Mean cliffy..I know...lol...**

**I' like to point out....I ::heart:: Jacob!!! but I need a plot point so....**

"No!" I heard a scream, Bella's scream. My whole body went colder than ice; I threw myself at the door, "please just...No!" I heard her shout, she was in tears, I could hear it, she was in pain. I heard a male voice shout something.

They were on the lawn.

If he hurt her I would kill him.

I was inches from the door when it flung open, nearly hitting me in the face. Bella ran into the house and shut the door quickly behind her. Shaking and crying. I heard the door bang and my hand automatically held the door against the frame.

"Bella, get the hell out here!" I heard his voice shout. The door jolted forward as he tried to get in. I pushed it again. Realising that Bella was between the wood and myself, trying to help me push it closed. "Bella!" he shouted again, the door jolted and I put my whole weight on it.

"Jacob get out of here, or I'll call the police." I said, inwardly grimacing if it ever came to that.

"No!" Bella shouted pushing the door again.

"That would be funny wouldn't it Cullen? Charlie coming down here to arrest me when you're fucking his daughter!" he taunted through the door. He pushed it again and I heard the family gather behind me, Emmett nudged me out of the way and me and Bella both let him open the door to face Jacob. My temper was sky high. This was Jacob, the Jacob who had hurt my Bella. The one who had her shaking and crying. Emmett folded his arms across his chest.

Jacob stood at the door, he was big, not as big as Emmett, but still muscley. I wanted to rip him apart for using those muscles to hit my Bella, just the thought of those huge hands coming into contact with her tiny body almost made me fly towards the door.

"Unless you want to be arrested for trespassing I suggest you leave." Emmett said calmly.

"Charlie wouldn't fucking dare." He said confidently,

"There are other officers Jacob." My father said behind me. I felt Bella curl into me and Jacob's eyes fell on her,

"what do you think he's gonna do when he finds out your here Bella?" he addressed her, she flinched away from his voice, Emmett's hand came out and grabbed Jacobs shirt, he almost lifted him off the ground and held him close to his face,

"Don't ever talk to her again, you got that? Or do I need to show you what a broken face feels like?" he shoved him out of the way and Jacob straightened out, he smirked at us, standing at the doorway before striding confidently down our lawn.

I looked down at Bella and she was still shaking, my arms wrapped around her and she hissed when I hugged her tightly. I pulled away, scared that I had hurt her. Terrified that _he_ had hurt her. She was clutching her wrist in her hand, holding it protectively.

"Bella what happened?"

I heard the door shut and Emmett walked over to us, laying a hand on Bella's shoulder, she smiled up thankfully as him and he nodded, but I was too concerned with her wrist, what had he done?

"Bella?" I tried again. She looked at me and her silent tears fell down her cheeks.

"I think...I think it's broken." She whispered, my heart clenched painfully and I felt the tears well up in my own eyes. My Bella. He had hurt my Bella. "He was telling me I was coming home with him and he turned the key, I tried to get out but he grabbed my wrist and pulled me back."

"Can I see?" Carlisle voice broke me and I stepped away, letting him check her wrist. He pressed his fingers lightly into it and she cried out. The sound tearing at my very being. "I think it just might be broken, Bella do you want me to take you to the hospital or...?"

"No hospitals, no police...please?" she begged, I couldn't bear to see her in so much pain.

"Can you take care of it here?" I asked Carlisle, he nodded and gestured towards the stairs.

I watched as Carlisle put a splint on her wrist, a cast wasn't necessary. It didn't matter. She was still hurt, broken. And so was I. I sat in the corner of the room and just watched. My body was numb, not even anger running through me. I couldn't fell anything. I was...just there, watching my father fix my Bella. How could she have gone out there with him, how could I have trusted him? I didn't trust him, I trusted her. And it was my fault. It was all my fault. I should've stopped her; I should have made her stay in the house. That wouldn't have helped, she would only blame me, I didn't think I could bear that.

"Edward? Can I speak to you for a minute?" Carlisle's voice broke through to me and I snapped out of it, nodding at him and smiling reassuringly towards Bella, before following him out of the room. I knew he was going to scald me for bringing trouble to his door, and I couldn't blame him.

"Carlisle I'm sorry, I had no idea that he would..." I began,

"No Edward that's not..." he stopped me; he shook his head and closed his eyes.

"What is it?" I asked, worried by his pause,

"What do you think Jacob will do now?" he said quietly, "I told you that she _had_ to speak to her father." He said strongly.

My body went cold again. No. I knew what he was saying. He would tell her father. Her father was her legal guardian, as soon as Jacob went back to him to tell him where she was, she would have to go back. She would have to leave.

"No." I shook my head. Panicking. Not only for Bella, she would have to go back to that home, that place where they could so easily hurt her. But for myself too. How was I supposed to live without her? My happiness meant nothing if she wasn't making it happen. I would go back to the way I was before. I didn't want to go back into the darkness. I wanted to stay in the sun, the sun that was Bella.

"Edward." He put a hand on me and I shook it off,

"No." I repeated. I wouldn't, I couldn't go back to that place. I couldn't go back to life without Bella. My heartbeat quickened and the walls tried to crush me, telling me that the darkness was coming back. My breathing accelerated and my hand came to my hair naturally, the dark wanted me back. The dark wanted to take Bella away.

Bella.

I started towards the door. My Bella could calm me, she always calmed me.

My mind was fuzzy and I couldn't concentrate on anything. I felt the tears sting my eyes as I opened the door. She looked up at me and smiled timidly. I didn't even have it in me to smile back. She looked at me sadly and dropped her eyes. I shut the door behind me and walked over to her. My hand moved up to her splinted wrist and I held it up gingerly, not wanting to hurt her. She pulled it away and looked up at me,

"Edward." She whispered, standing up off the table she was sitting on and wrapping her arms around my neck. But I still couldn't move. My body was on emotional overload. Everything was up in the air and nothing was coming back down.

My chest contracted and I sobbed into her. My knees buckled and I just couldn't support myself anymore. Bella hugged me tighter and I felt my knees hit the floor. She was still attached to me, and I was crying into her shoulder.

"Bella, Bella, Bella." I kept repeating her name; it was all I could say.

"Edward I'm sorry," she whispered into my ear, kissing my neck. "I'm so sorry, I should have told you." She kept kissing me, and I kept sobbing. "It will be okay." She kissed my jaw and I held her tighter. I couldn't agree with her. Things were just going to get worse.

She would have to leave.

"Bella?" I said, it came out like a choking sound, so I tried again. "Bella?"

She pulled away a little and looked into my eyes. Her face was red and she was crying just as much as I was. I pulled my face to hers impulsively, wanting nothing more in that moment than to kiss her. And I did. I kissed her hard, and poured all of my love into it. I caressed her neck and she tried to deepen the kiss but I pulled back, resting my forehead on hers.

"Bella, Jacob is going to tell your father." I sobbed out, she closed her eyes and I saw new tears fall.

"Edward it will be okay. I'll just tell them I want to stay here." She said. I shook my head.

"It's not that simple,"

She let out a sob and my heart hurt.

"He can't take me away." She whispered, I closed my eyes and shook my head again,

"He can Bella. And he will, Jacob will tell him and he will take you away from me." I cried out and she buried her head into my shoulder sobbing.

"I don't want to leave." She cried. I rubbed her back. I didn't want her to leave. I needed her. I needed her so much. I loved her so much. The words almost spilt out then, but I bit them back. Things were fucked up enough as it was.

"Please don't let him." she said softly, my heart tore and burned at her words, she sounded so helpless, so desperate. I wanted to promise that it would be okay; I wanted to tell her that I would never let them take her, that she could stay with me forever.

But I heard a siren, a distant sound. Bringing attention to the fact that I couldn't tell her any of those things. She heard it too and clutched at my neck tighter. This was just too much, first I didn't feel anything, and now I was feeling everything, everything I didn't want to feel. The siren got louder and stopped,

"Bella!" I heard a gruff male voice shout upstairs. I pulled away from her and she looked at me panicky. She shook her head and I stood up, bringing her with me.

"No please, Edward please." She pleaded with me, holding my arms desperately, I didn't know what to do. They would just come up and find us. But she looked so terrified. I leaned into her and pressed my lips to her ear, she was shaking,

"It will be okay Bella." I whispered, I hated lying to her. I hated it so much. But she calmed her shakes and kissed my cheek.

"Bella!" I heard again and I took her hand in mine. I opened the door and started walking with Bella behind me.

I came to the top of the stairs and I saw a man in a police uniform standing by the door, Jacob was standing outside, Emmett was standing behind Carlisle and my father was in front of the chief. He looked up the stairs and clocked eyes with Bella. We came down the stairs slowly and she stayed behind me, but still visible to her father and Jacob.

"I told you." He said concerned from the doorway, I glared at his change of tune.

"Shut it or I _will_ break your face." Emmett said, clearly recognising his tone too,

"Hey I told you about that." Charlie said towards Emmett, Jasper put a hand on his shoulder and Emmett folded his arms across his chest, I hadn't even noticed he was there.

"Bella what the hell are you doing?!" Charlie shouted at her,

"Please..." Carlisle said,

"You told me you were at your mothers!" he interrupted throwing his hands up in the air. She cowered a little more behind me, hiding from her own father.

"She has been here chief Swan she has been safe." I said calmly,

"She will be safe at home" he said firmly and tried to reach behind me to get his daughter.

She moved further behind me and I stood still, shielding her from him.

"Move Edward." he tried again, I didn't even know he was aware of my name, but I didn't care, I wasn't moving, I wasn't letting him touch her.

"Edward." Carlisle put his hand on my shoulder and I looked at the chief defiantly.

"She is coming home." He half shouted.

"I am home." I heard her voice whisper behind me,

"Bella if you do not get in my car right now, there is a very real chance that Dr Cullen, or Edward will get into trouble, do you want that?"

I almost hit the man in front of me; I would've if I knew it wouldn't make things worse. But it would so I settled for grinding my teeth together. He was threatening her with the only think that she cared about. What kind of man did that to his daughter? There was no way I was letting her leave, not this time, not to get hurt again. I would rather die. I would keep her safe, I didn't know how, I didn't care, she was all I had that was keeping me here, in the light.

I nearly collapsed to the floor when Bella let go of my hand.

"Bella?" I whispered, she walked in front of me and out of the door, without even a glance in my direction. She didn't even look at me. I saw her flinch away from Jacob and get in the cruiser, still not looking towards the house, or me. Charlie didn't say anything as he left the house, not bothering to shut the door. He climbed in next to Bella and he drove. He just drove away.

He took my Bella away and she never even looked at me.

The world spun dizzily and I felt sick. The darkness crept up on me again and I could feel Alice hugging my waist. Where was she during the confrontation? I didn't even remember. I didn't see anything. Not really.

Because my Bella was gone.

But why should she stay? There was nothing keeping her here. Not really. I knew she cared for everyone and she wouldn't risk them. But still there was no real reason for her to stay. For her to stay with me.

I should've told her. I should've said it every day, every minute.

But I knew that would only make this worse. This...separation.

We were separated.

The darkness crashed over me and nearly knocked me to the ground. I dragged in a ragged breath and I heard myself sob out loud. I was crying. I was fucking crying. I and I was collapsing slowly.

"Edward. Edward I'm so sorry, it's all my fault." I heard Alice crying too, blaming herself. I took a deep breath and tried to control myself. I put my most controlled expression on, even though my heart was breaking slowly.

"No its not, I just have to...excuse me." I detangled myself from her arms and walked calmly up the stairs, I didn't go into my room. I went to hers. I had to. I had to believe she was here. I shut her door and looked around. I collapsed on her bed and curled up, useless. Dead to the world. She was gone and now so was I. I was wherever she was. And I always would be.

Her scent was on the sheets, on her pillows on her everything. But it didn't calm me, I was shaking violently, my heart thrumming against my chest, my eyes screwed shut and I was hyperventilating.

It was no use, she wasn't here, she wasn't coming back and I knew it. My body knew it. And there was nothing I could do. The one thing that was bringing me up slowly had thrust me back down. Down to...I didn't even know where but I hated it. I hated that she wasn't coming back. I hated myself for not keeping her. I hated that she didn't look back at me. And I hated that she couldn't love me as much as I loved her. I hated that I was here falling apart when I knew she couldn't feel as strongly about me. I hated myself. So much.

I heard a knock at the door and my body jumped.

"Edward?" I heard Carlisle's voice,

"Go away!" I shouted, still shaking into the blankets, clutching them for dear life as the darkness covered me entirely, I was dying. This was it. I was dying.

But I didn't.

My heart still thrashed against my chest, my lungs still filled with the air I needed. I clutched onto her blanket tighter, the muscles in my knuckles hurting. But I didn't feel it, not really. There was a more definite pain, a more searing pain. And it was running through me, sizzling in my veins. I kept telling myself over and over that Bella was gone. She was truly gone.

The door opened and I didn't even look at who was interrupting my death.

"Edward?" I heard Alice's quiet voice,

"Leave me the fuck alone Alice." I sobbed, I felt a weight on the bed and I looked up at her, willing her away. Wanting her to leave me alone. She put her hand up and touched me, she tried to touch me. I flinched away.

"Edward, it's okay." She whispered. It was okay? I sat up, looking at my sister, okay?

"No it's not okay Alice, nothing is okay. She gone, and she didn't even look at me. She just left!" I yelled, she scooted closer and tried to touch me again, I moved away and stood up, she couldn't touch me, no one but Bella could touch me right now, not while I was falling apart.

_But Bella can't touch me. _

_She left me._

"Edward..." she tried again but I couldn't hear it anymore, I couldn't be in this room. She was everywhere, and the image of her walking away from me was too much, the walls started suffocating me again. I started towards the door, "Edward school starts next week." She murmured, I didn't stop, what the fuck has school go to do with anything? Was she just trying to torture me even more? The prospect of being in a public place was daunting; doing anything without Bella was daunting.

Everything just had the colour drained out of it. Nothing really had any meaning. I shut my door forcefully and slid down the wood.

My whole body was numb.

***sigh* see what I meant about darkness? I wasn't kidding...**

**Don't forget to review... **


	20. I hated remembering my dreams

"Hmm do you have any idea how much I love you?" I asked burying my face in her hair, she chuckled and ran her fingers through mine, soothing my scalp as she went, I hummed into her and lifted her off the ground, clutching her to me, she let out an adorable squeak,

"Edward, put me down." she tried to sound firm but it came out as a breathless giggle.

"Nope." I swung her round in large circles and she held me tighter, letting out a tiny scream.

"I'm getting dizzy," she cried out loudly, I chuckled and stopped spinning, I set her feet on the ground and she wobbled slightly, she let out a sigh and shook her head before looking up at me,

"sorry." I smiled, not really sorry at all, she narrowed her eyes and I broke out into laughter, she giggled too and put her hands on my cheeks,

"I love you." She whispered.

I backed away from her irrationally, I shook my head and her face fell. She looked angry with me. My heart broke a little and I tried to walk towards her to comfort her,

_I do love you_, I tried to say, _please believe me_. But my mouth wouldn't open; she just looked at me, staring me down. I had never seen my Bella like this, so angry. She turned around quickly and walked out of my sight, I couldn't see where because everything had gone dark, too dark.

I let out a breathy gasp and rolled onto my back, I ran my shaky hands up to my hair and pulled it, feeling how damp it was from sweat. I tried to calm my breathing, tried to hold it in, or smother it, or at the very least stop it altogether. But it was never going to stop. I would keep playing these stupid things over, and my body would react the way it always did.

_I hated remembering my dreams._

I felt my heart thrum against my chest and tried to take a calming breath, a soothing breath. It didn't work, but when did it ever?

I sat up and looked at the clock, half ten. I groaned and threw my blanket over my head, I wasn't getting up yet. Not until I knew everyone would be out of the house. It was the only way I could bear it.

They didn't want to leave me alone. I knew it, Alice especially thought I would do something 'stupid.' but Esme had to take Alice out to finish shopping for school, and Emmett was following. I screwed my eyes shut and willed the images of Bella face out of my mind. It felt like it would kill me to do, but it was the only way I was going to survive.

Five days without her, and I was a wreck.

I kicked my covers off me in frustration and launched myself out of the bed. I threw my t-shirt and jacket on and stormed downstairs, smelling the fresh toast and eggs. My stomach grumbled but I paid no attention to it, if Bella wasn't eating there, I wasn't eating there. I walked straight to the front door, I couldn't see any of my family today, I shut it behind me with a little more force than necessary and stretched on the patio. I pulled my hood up from the light rain and started running towards the trees.

In the last four days I had spent most of my time on this trail, never going near the meadow, I didn't think I could do that, not just yet. I just kept jogging around the trees, sometime abandoning the well known path and stupidly wandering off. I relished the thought of getting lost.

I didn't care what the weather was like, I didn't care that I was cold, or too warm, or that I had ran till my legs ached. It was better than sitting still or lying in my bed, waiting for next week. My legs sped up. Forks high school, I grimaced and I slowed to a halt, I rested my hands on my knees, breathless from my speed. I looked around and walked over to a huge tree and sat down. It was dull and gray in here, an eerie atmosphere around the place. I didn't care. My breathing was breaking the almost silence and I dropped my head against the bark of the tree.

I didn't want to go to school; I would gladly go back to homeschooling. But I knew if I could stay in the house I wouldn't leave my room for the semester. I swallowed roughly and my breathing decreased minutely, I wonder what Bella's school is like. She briefly talked about Phoenix, her mother, things like that. I thought back to Alice's little pep talk; well what she thought was a pep talk.

She had came up to my room, the day after Bella left and told me that Carlisle phoned Charlie asking to speak to Bella, I was angry at first. But Alice said Charlie was sending her back to live with her mother, and wouldn't let her come to the phone, Alice said something about her not coming out of her room. I had gotten dressed, ready to go to her house, to free her. But Carlisle had stopped me, told me that it wasn't the best thing to do, I knew he was right, he was always right. But it didn't stop this hole in my chest from ripping through me.

I shut my eyes and my breathing had returned to just above normal. What was happening with her? Was she really so scared of Jacob or Charlie to exile herself to her room? And how was she feeling about living with her mother? Did this mean her mother knew about her living with us before? Did she know about me? Did Bella talk about me? Does Bella think about me?

I groaned out loud and let my head fall forward in my hands. There was a reason I didn't think about Bella. I pulled my hair lightly and thrust my hands down, lifting myself up off the ground quickly. I started running. I had to do something.

When I got back to the house it was quiet, and locked. I figured they had left. I pulled the spare key out and unlocked the door, shutting it behind me, and I walked to the kitchen. I pulled open the fridge and made myself a sandwich. I needed something to keep me alive. I chuckled darkly to myself and unscrewed the top off a bottle of water and drank deeply. My eyes clocked a piece of paper stuck to the fridge and I lowered my bottle from my lips and snatched it off to look at it.

_Edward, we will pick up your things for school, be careful. Alice._

I screwed it up in my hand, be careful? Could she be more obvious?

I didn't taste the food, I didn't want to. I looked over at the table and looked at her chair. The kitchen looked so dull without her, I threw my plate in the empty sink and it smashed. I didn't mean to put so much force behind it, but it was like I couldn't control these outbursts. She had kept them at bay for so long, they were coming back with a vengeance. I cleaned the broken ceramic and stalked my way upstairs, not even looking at the door that still held her duffle bag, her sheets, her smell, memories. I walked straight down the hall and into my own room.

I shut the door behind me and the room sort of spun dizzily. I blinked a couple of time and walked over to the bathroom. The shower went by in a haze, the dressing, almost as fast. I sat on the edge of my bed and took a deep breath.

I felt uneasy, not the sick-feeling kind of uneasy, that was with me all the time. I felt tense, almost apprehensive. I shook my head and looked around my room. I needed something,

_I need Bella._

I stood up and shook my hand through my wet hair, splashing little drops over my shirt. I opened my door and left it open, I stood outside in the hall and looked right, just down to where Bella's, room was. I closed my eyes and shook my head.

I will not do that to myself. I will not.

My body turned left and I walked down the hall to the other room I had been avoiding. I opened the door and left it open. I didn't want to shut myself in here. I traced my fingers over the cover of the piano keys and sighed to myself. I sat down on the side of the bench, lifting it gingerly and tracing the keys in the same way.

I pressed down the high note that Bella had hit.

I grimaced at the memory of me smiling and took my hand away from the keys. Bella's composition flew through my brain, making everything else seem dim and unimportant. It was just me and the music. I lifted my hands onto the top notes and the harmony and pressed lightly down.

I heard a dull knock downstairs and I jumped, pulling my hands back from the keys and looked towards the door, I sighed and replaced the cover, I walked out of the piano room, and shut the door behind me, the door knocked again and I walked quickly down the stairs. I threw the door open, not bothering to look through the spy hole.

My eyes locked with a disgustingly familiar set of dark brown eyes, framed in a sea of black hair. my hand tightened on the door frame and I held myself in place by that alone.

"What the fuck are you doing here Jacob?" I practically growled. He chuckled and looked down,

"I'm here to pick up Bella's stuff," he said cockily, I swallowed nervously and my breathing accelerated. He looked up expectantly. The realisation of what he was saying finally hit me and my body went numb, my vision went a little fuzzy and my mouth felt really dry,

"I'll go get it." I whispered, he smirked and leant back,

"I'll be here." He said. I shut the door, not bothering to be polite I walked up the stairs instinctively, I didn't want to go in there, I didn't want to give Jacob her stuff, and I didn't want to think of the implications of him at my door, what that meant about Bella, what that meant about_ him_ and Bella. I opened her door and tried not to look around, tried not to dwell so much in there. I just walked in, got her bag off the floor, and walked out. I didn't look at the bed, I didn't look at the dresser, I didn't see if she had packed everything before, I just picked up the bag and threw it over my shoulder. I slammed the door shut and walked down the stairs. I tightened my hand around the bag strap as I opened the door and Jacob turned round to face me.

"Thanks," he said sarcastically, I pulled the strap off my shoulder and handed him the duffle. He put his hands over it and I looked at the muscles wrapped around them, I looked upwards into his eyes and didn't let go of the bag,

"Jacob, if you ever come here again, if you ever set foot on my property. I won't stop Emmett from breaking your jaw," his eyes lifted off the bag and met mine, "but if I hear that you have touched her again, if she is hurt because of you, or anything you have done, I'll do it myself." I said, my voice was low, I hardly recognised it, I let go of the strap roughly and shut the door quickly. Not bothering to see his reaction to my words, I couldn't.

The world was crashing slowly on top of me, I wanted nothing more than to hurt that man more than he had hurt Bella, but I couldn't, because I couldn't breathe. Tears stung my eyes and I hyperventilated. My hand flew out to hold the wall and I leant against it, pressing my forehead into it. My heart beat erratically in my chest and I sobbed out loud. A pain in my chest flared violently and I pressed my head harder into the cool wall. this was it, I had to be dying, there was no living part of me inside, this had to be it.

***Sigh* I know depressive Edward is not nice to read...I know its a drag sometimes...I only wrote the days when something significant happens...so bear through the darkness...there might be shiny Bella light at the end....**

**As ****sonyabrady1971**** in the reviews rightly said...."But everything gets worse before it can get better" **

**And as always...review me... :)**


	21. No answer

"No! _You_ don't understand, I need her!" I screamed, Carlisle put his hand on my shoulder,

"Son, I know it's hard, but Charlie has forbidden you from seeing her." I shook it off and yanked my jacket up my shoulders,

"What about her? Doesn't she get a choice?" I said strongly, Carlisle grimaced and looked at me sympathetically,

"She has agreed to go to her mothers." He said slowly, as if I wouldn't understand. I understood perfectly well. Doesn't mean I wanted to accept it.

"No, she wouldn't have." I whispered, I grabbed my keys and walked around him,

"Edward," he tried again, "Charlie made it quite clear,"

"He was lying." I snapped, walking down the stairs.

"You can't know that." he said calmly, following me,

"What are you saying?" I turned round to face him, how could he be so calm? How could he tell me these things?

"There might be a chance that Bella, _wants _to get away from this place, away from the memories, away from...

"Me?" I asked angrily,

"No, that's not what I meant. Edward you know how much we all care for her, and we all know how much you love her, but _this_, this probably going to make things worse for both of you."

I knew he was right, I knew it deep down, but I was running on impulse. There was nothing I could do to stop myself from walking out of the door and climbing into my car.

Bella was leaving Forks.

Carlisle had phoned again, trying to speak to Charlie on my behalf, asking when Bella was leaving, I just wanted to know. Knowing would be better than sitting in my room wondering if she was even in the same state as me. Charlie had been very obvious; she was leaving today. And I had no clue when.

But this wouldn't be it, I couldn't just let Bella get on that plane, it had been ten days. Ten excruciatingly long days. I couldn't think about anything but seeing her again. Everything was just getting to be too much and I had snapped. There was no way I would continue living like this anymore, this stupid separation. I would put my foot down. I would see Bella today. The thought had me euphoric, after all that time without her, it was madness. And now I would pull her away. I didn't care what her father said; I didn't care if Jacob was there. All I cared about was taking my Bella away from them. I had no idea how; I had no idea what they would do. Maybe we could run away, I could get enough money and we would run together. I smiled to myself. A first real smile since she left.

I turned to key and pulled out of the garage. I had a vague idea where chief Swan lived, I hadn't been there before but while driving to Port Angeles, Bella had said it was just down this road. I relived the conversation in my head, turning down the same road, I followed it and made a left into another small road and went to the last house, the lawn stretched right out into the trees, Bella had said it was right next to the forest. I pulled the car into the empty drive and panicked.

Empty driveway.

No.

I jumped out of the car and ran to the door, not bothering to turn the engine off or even shut the car door behind me. I banged on the wood, hard but not desperate. If they were in I didn't want Charlie to think I was a lunatic.

No answer.

"Bella?" I shouted through the door, my breathing accelerated and my heart flew against my chest. I was so close to her, I had to be. She had to be in this house. I couldn't be too late. I knocked the door harder, hurting my knuckle. I twisted my hand and banged it with my fist.

"Bella?" I tried again. Although I knew. I knew she wasn't there. I was too fucking late. I let my head rest against the door and sighed in defeat.

I should've done this before. The second they took her, I should've stopped them. I pulled away from the door and sat on the step outside the house. I let my head fall in my hands and let the few tears escape. I should've done so much more. I should've told her I loved her, I should've kissed her more often, I should've kept her in the house that day, kept her upstairs with me. None of this would have happened if I had told Alice that Bella was staying in, with me.

I shouldn't have let Jacob talk to her; I shouldn't have let her walk away from me like that. I should've climbed through her window and fucking stole her away the night she left. We would be alone somewhere right now. Just me and her.

She wouldn't be in this mess.

I sobbed quietly into my hands and pulled my hair sharply. It hurt. But I didn't care. I had this other pain, this flaring, brutal, slicing pain. Searing through my chest. And it made me sick, because I knew it was my fault.

The sun peeked through the clouds and I took my head from my hands, how could the sun do that? It was outnumbered by so many dreary clouds, so many things wanting to block its view. So much darkness, and yet it still fights. It fights to be seen, to show others that it is there, that it hasn't forgotten about them. That even thought the stupid clouds win most of the time, that it was obstructed, it would still shine, it would still bathe this stupid town with its rays.

I groaned and got up. This house was neither helping nor satisfying. It was empty, it would always be empty. Without Bella.

The sun was blocked by a dark cloud and the house was cast in shadow, a strange calm spread over it, the only real sound in the whole place was the leaves rustling gently at the side of the lawn and my engine still humming quietly. The shadow belonged there. As long as Bella wasn't there a shadow belonged everywhere.

_Just like it was with me._

**I know its a shorten...sorry lol....next one is up soon...so...review!**


	22. Does it matter?

**Okay so a lot of you are not going to like this chapter....at all...but if anyone has been depressed you should know what it's like...to be stuck in those circles that just put all these things in your mind....you dont really get out of it...**

**Also I was going to drag out Edwards depression out a little longer, put it was pretty much the same thing...*darkness...Bella....darkness....Bella*....so I went to the day that somthing happened....the time inbetween was pretty much a daze to him....as so it shall be to us...**

I closed the door to the Volvo violently; even it couldn't bring me up this time. I was going to have to spend the day being the new kid, avoiding stares, avoiding questions. I knew the rumours would spread quickly, they always did. And I knew that I would be the stem of most of them, just like at my old school, my depression would make the tedium of high school even more horrible. I yanked my bag over my shoulder and saw Jasper's car pull up next to mine, Alice bounced out, she seemed happier than usual, that bothered me.

But I had to remember, they dealt with things quicker than I did, they would be able to get over Bella. I knew she meant a lot to them, but she couldn't mean anything as close to my sister as she did to me. I felt my heart rate increase.

Things were getting progressively worse, the time without Bella was getting worse. sometimes it was so bad that all I could do was wrap my arms around myself and pray for unconsciousness. I didn't see the point to anything, there was no point in hearing anything that wasn't her laugh, or her whispers as she slept. There was no point in seeing anything that wasn't her hair fanned around us in the morning, that wasn't her chocolate eyes searching mine, or that wasn't her smile lighting up her face.

No. Not on the first day. I would not melt down on the first day. I took a few deep breaths and watched my sister and her boyfriend enter the school reception. I walked across the car lot and passed a group of kids. They were whispering as I passed. Brilliant. First period hasn't even started and people are already whispering about me. I was seething silently and I heard a loud horn, I jumped up and saw a blue van to my side. It had stopped abruptly, almost hitting me. Almost but not quite. I didn't really even see anything but the huge chipped metal grating in front of me. I didn't take time to apologise to the driver. Personally he should be apologising to me. Almost killing me. Did he even know how much of a favour he would be doing if he actually hit me? How easier today would be if I were in the hospital, drugged up or passed out? Hell it would've been even easier if I never got up, if I just died here on the road. That would be a new piece of gossip for the juveniles to pass around. The new depressed kid got killed on his first day by a fucking ugly van.

I walked away from the offending blue monster and into the reception. The red head behind the untidy desk handed me my slip and told me I would have to return it at the end of the day. I nodded, not actually speaking to her, and walked out.

My first few lessons were tough. I sat at the back, no one really talked to me. They just looked and talked about me. As if I couldn't hear them. I mostly just lay my head on the table and listened while the teachers told us what we would be learning this semester. I cursed advanced placement programmes. I knew most of this stuff, nearly all of it. When the lunch bell rang everyone stood and rushed to the small cafeteria. Everywhere I turned friends were reminiscing about the summer, gossiping, talking about their lessons, teachers, love interests. I sat on the table that Emmett and Rose were sitting at and pressed my forehead into the table, not hungry enough to eat anything. I felt my breathing hitch as I thought about having to go through my next lessons. I would not break down, I would wait. I would wait until I was home, and safe in my room. But I wasn't safe. I was never safe. the only time I ever felt safe was in her arms.

I pushed her out of my head. I couldn't think about her, I wouldn't let myself. It was too hard to think about her face, her smile, her laugh, her eyes. I felt my hands clench into fists as I tried to think about anything but her.

I heard Alice giggle and chairs scrape across the floor, I pressed my head further into the table, hoping I could block out her happiness, the happiness that made me sick. I stood up and left the cafeteria. I couldn't understand how they could act like this. It was my thirteenth day without Bella.

Thirteen whole days of plummeting despair and memories that bore into me painfully. I walked out into the fresh air and thought about skipping my next two classes, Biology would almost certainly kill me. How was she coping? I felt the rain pick up and it swirled me. I thought about where Bella must be, the beating sun, the happiness radiating from all the hyped up teenagers. What if she has gotten over me already? What if this was just how it was meant to go and I was the only one taking it so badly?

I shook my head. No. I'm sure I meant just a little more to Bella than that. She wouldn't forget me so easily. The bell went and I groaned. Biology or home?

The masochist in me walked me towards the science block. I trudged in, wet and pissed off. The teacher opened his mouth when he saw my name on the piece of paper I lay on his desk, but shut it when his gaze fell upon me. I was radiating hostility and I knew it. But I would be damned if I was going to be introduced to this lot. I nodded curtly and he gestured to a desk in the centre of the room. great.

I had the thing to myself, which I suppose was good, no lab partner, not that I needed one.

"Where's Bella?" I heard a guys voice say, he was looking at my table and then he looked towards his friend, a greasy teen with glasses, he shrugged and I looked towards the front of the class. This was Bella's table? I was sitting where my Bella sat? I felt the angry tears prickle up in my eyes and I dropped my head. "Who's the freak?" the guy whispered, my head shot up and so did my body, I pulled my bag up from the floor and threw my hood up. I'm sure the teacher protested or something, but I was out of the door and into the hall before he could stop me.

The walls thinned and my breathing became shallower. My heart thrummed. This was like being in her room. It was too close. And I was breaking. I couldn't handle it. I trembled and put my hand on a locker, steadying myself.

This was just too much. How long could I go on like this before I would die? How long could anyone survive without a heart? Without breath? Without a purpose? Without the want to even take the next step, or the next?

The tears fell from my eyes and I wiped them back angrily, this wouldn't happen for much longer I wouldn't allow it. I couldn't spend my time thinking about her, trying to get over her, when I knew it wasn't going to happen. I knew I would never be complete without her, there was no light, no dark, no Edward, just as I thought there wouldn't be. I was a shell.

My soul had left the moment she did, my very core plucked away by the thing that was keeping it together.

My head snapped up.

Did I have to be here?

If I was already gone, already dead inside, would it matter if I was dead outside? There was no way my Bella was returning to me, she was gone, I had to deal with that. And there was no way I could go back to the way I was. The Edward that was with her, the person that was even alive before I had met her wasn't here, I wasn't in here.

I walked to my car and turned the key, or rather _I _didn't, but my _body_ did. I was at its mercy, I was in a daze, and the truth of my thoughts had knocked all other emotions from my body.

I was at my empty house before I knew it, walking up the stairs before I really had the conscious decision to do so, and shutting my bathroom door before I really understood what I was going to do.

I ran the water not really bothering with temperature, I plugged the tub and stood up, watching it fill slowly.

Because she left me. She did this. She didn't even look at me. She pulled me out of the dark, and now she was the one that had put me back there.

_It was always her_.

If I didn't have her, I had nothing. And she knew it. it was obvious how much she had changed me, she knew the change was irreversible, and she knew that if she left there would be nothing in here. She had changed me, I had told her that. And yet, she still left, without a glance, without a fight. Without trying to get back to me.

I closed my eyes. And felt the tears well up behind the closed lids. The realisation that Bella truly didn't want me, hit me. It was painfully obvious, I was just living in denial. The worst realisation was that I knew I was trying to make her love me, it was far too late, but I knew now. By showing her how much I loved her, and telling her without the words, that I was trying subcinciously to get her to love me, to desperately make her feel as strongly for me as I felt for her.

This wasn't fair.

_She couldn't love me._

I knew that. and yet I hoped for it. I wanted it. I wrentched my eyes open angrily and looked at the almost full bathtub.

Could I do this? Could I really be this drastic? What would Bella think of my actions?

_Does it matter?_

She would never find out, she would never know me anymore, see me anymore, laugh with me, kiss me, hold me, touch me, she wouldn't be able to do any of the those things, whether I breathed or not.

Yes I could.

Yes I would.

**Edward is impulsive. **

**Also for someone who has come close to committing suicide before, as Edward has, it's easier for him to make that decision. He has already thought through everything, he has already planned it in his mind, many times over and his logic is flawed, we know that, _but he doesn't_.**

**Just needed to clear that up before I get loadsa angry reviews..... :)**

**Suicide isnt easy to read...ever....**

**Sorry it was short...and all over the place....I tried to make it like that beacuse of how easy it was for him to do it...to show how messed up his mind is....**

**So...review me....the next one will either be up in a couple of hours....or same time tomorrow :)**


	23. Because I love you

**Yeah...sorry about that cliffy there...but we continue...**

I could hear the blood pounding in my ears, the sound was loud in my submerged head. My body was heavy and the water was cold, but I was either used to it or my body just didn't recognise it. I had no thoughts of the end, just her. just her eyes looking into mine as I lay next to her, wrapped up in her.

I closed my eyes and a sort of light surrounded me; a light that my mind told me obviously wasn't here in the bathroom with me. it absorbed me, it felt like I was stupidly standing inside a light bulb, my back to the filament, but the glow enveloping me still, like I could touch it. The corporeal light coupled with my blood deprived brain caused me to feel a sense of bliss, euphoria, but not quite in ecstasy.

I could feel the dizziness from lack of oxygen screaming at me. But I heard a fainter noise. A door?

"Edward!"

I heard a muffled female voice. Is my mind truly that sadistic towards me? Could it really be taunting me with the one thing I want most?

"Edward!" I heard her scream again, my body was pulled upward. The water finally rushed down my lungs, burning my throat. I was yanked into the cold air, and on to a hard floor. My eyes opened blurry and hurting from the water. I could see her blurry form, her hands were wrapped around my shirt at the front, I blinked and choked up more water onto the bathroom lino. She shook me,

"Edward what the fuck?!" I coughed again, blinking back more water as my vision became more focused. The pain in my throat flared and my chest contracted, but I stared at the brown haired beauty that was holding me up, she had some strength in her shakes, "what the hell are you doing?"

I wanted to believe that she was here; I wanted to believe it so badly. I wanted her to tell me she wasn't leaving, that she would stay with me forever, but I knew it couldn't happen. I knew I had nothing to hold her to me. My anger flared up at her. She had stopped my attempt at making the pain stop...again. I knew it was irrational but I pushed her hands off me, crawling up to stand above her.

"What the hell are you doing here?!" I yelled, water dripped into my face from my hair and I licked my lips, raising my hands to push my soaking hair out of my face, she looked broken. That just made me angrier; she shouldn't be so hurt that I did this again. What did she expect? That she could dangle the happiness in front of me then take it away? And I would be happy without her? I didnt care that she wasnt in Pheonix, I didnt care that she was actually standing in front of after all that time of wanting nothing but her. Why the hell was she here? She shouldnt be here, she should be surrounded by sun and smiles and happiness and everything that wasnt me. She had made that quite clear when she turned her back and walked, without even looking at me.

"Get out" I said firmly, I couldn't look at her; I just wanted her to leave so I couldn't see the hurt that was evident in her eyes, I couldnt let her see the pain that was in mine, she wouldnt have that satisfaction. it was easier to make her leave and pretend she didnt stand before me, so close I could touch her, I couldnt let my mind belive she was here.

"No, Edward I can't you'll just get back in!"

Her cry stopped me, I hadn't even thought about it. Although no doubt that as soon as she left I would probably get back in. But who was she to tell me what I could or couldn't do. She had left me. I owed her nothing; I didn't even owe her my life anymore because she had so effectively ruined it.

My anger boiled again, my brain not filtering anything as it spilled out of my mouth.

"Why the fuck should you care?! You left Bella; I can't very well survive without you! And you know it. Give me one good reason why I shouldn't!" I shouted, my fists clenching, the water jumping, splashing from me as I screamed at her. My throat burned intensely. Her face fell to the floor, her eyes downcast.

"Because I love you." She said quietly. My body stopped, it was all I could do to stop myself from falling to the ground.

No she couldn't love me, it wasn't possible. I couldn't blacken this creature's heart. Sure I loved her, with everything that I had. But I couldn't say it to her. I was so scared that she felt the same. And my love was a consuming, burning need to be with her. My life didn't exist without her. And I hated that she had said those words to me. Those three words broke me for the final time.

"Don't say that." I whispered, somehow my tone making the words harsh, cruel. But it needed to be said. I had wanted her to love me so badly,

"Edward?" she tilted her head up, confused.

"Don't ever say that." I spat out. She lifted her head to look into my eyes, tears forming in them. I knew my face was numb. Still in the shock. But she couldn't love me, I wouldn't allow it. I wouldn't allow her thoughts, her breaths, her heartbeats to be oriented around me.

"Edward I..."

"Get out." I cut her off, my mouth forming words before I could even think. But this was what I needed. I needed her to leave. "GET OUT!" she flinched away from my voice, a lonely tear slid down her cheek. She bit her lip and squeezed her eyes shut. She nodded and walked out of my bathroom.

I sank to the ground.

My Bella.

My life.

My soul.

Gone.

Forever.

_Again._

I looked around at the bathroom; there was a giant puddle that my body was in the centre of. I was beginning to feel the cold, but I couldn't move.

"_Because I love you."_

How could she love me? The answer was simple, she couldn't. I let my head drop onto the floor, desperate for unconsciousness, but it didn't come, it didn't drag me under. I just lay there shaking from the cold water. Not moving, barely breathing. In desperate pain because I had told my Bella to leave, because I was too weak to even consider telling her that I loved her too. Too selfish to let her crawl into my arms. Too stupid to even acknowledge her love. Now I had left her.

The darkness taunted me and told me over and over that I wasn't good enough for her, that I should let her leave, and that this was all I had. Myself and a bathtub full of water. I heard footsteps in my room again. Please let it be a gun wielding maniac. I pleaded in my mind.

I heard her little voice growl; she pushed the bathroom door open and strode in, fuming. "Edward Cullen get the fuck off the floor right now," she shouted at me, I was in shock. My body not even reacting, I lay there slumped on the floor; I closed my eyes and held my head into the lino. "Edward!" she yelled and I snapped my eyes open. I felt her hands curl around my arm and she lifted me up.

"Bella what are you doing?" I asked calmly, I knew what she was doing, she was lifting me up, but I was really wondering why the hell she was here. Why she didn't leave. I was leaning up against the tub and my eyes closed again, I was so tired, and sore. She shook my shoulder. And then let me go.

"Are you telling me you don't love me?" she asked firmly, I couldn't open my eyes, I could really breathe but I was managing it.

I wanted to tell her so much, I wanted to hold her, and kiss her and tell her over and over again.

But I didn't say a word. I just sat there. "Do you love me Edward?" she asked again, softly.

I knew I was crumbling. I could feel it; her voice was pulling me back up to the sun. And I knew that as soon as she left I would be dragged back down. It didn't matter that I loved her; she was still not going to be here in the morning. She was supposed to be in Phoenix with her mother, she couldn't stay with me as much as I wanted her too. I shook my head in defeat and tears escaped my eyes.

"It won't matter." I whispered sadly,

"It would matter to me."

My walls hit the ground loudly, every piece of me that was trying to be defensive, every reason not to tell her, every word I hadn't said, every time I had stopped myself, they all fell to the floor.

"Of course I love you Bella, I think I loved you from the beginning. But I couldn't tell you." I whispered, finally moving. I bought my knees up and my head crashed into my hands.

"Why?" she asked, I could hear the tears in her voice; I shook my head again,

"Because I knew...I knew you couldn't love me and I didn't want to see your face when you told me. I wouldn't be able to actually hear you say it, for you to tell me that you couldn't." I shook in my hands, my heavy breathing scraping down my throat. I sobbed loudly and ran my fingers up to my hair. I had told her. I had told her everything.

"Edward..."

"Bella, it's not okay, so don't say it is." I lifted my head up and she was kneeing in front of me. "You still have to go; it doesn't make a difference, whether I know that you love me or whether I love you, because you still have to go. It's just going to make things harder for us." I sobbed and she launched herself at me, circling her arms around my neck.

"I'm coming back." She sobbed into my shoulder, I shook my head,

"It's not that simple." I said grimly.

"Stop saying that to me!" she shouted and pulled back. I looked at her, and she closed her eyes. "It's all been sorted." She said firmly.

"And what about your mother Bella? Or your father? Or your education?" I said, although it came out more harshly than I planned. She sniffed and opened her eyes,

"My mum can't have me in Phoenix, her and Phil," she sniffed again. "They are going on the road, training or something; she said it wouldn't be fair on me."

My breathing accelerated, Was she really staying?

I shook my head,

_of course she wasn't._

"I know, but I...I hadn't been told Edward, my dad wanted me to leave as soon as possible, he had Jacob pack my things and everything, I got there and I told Renee everything. She wants to let me stay, and my father can't do anything."

My breathing stopped and I looked into her tear rimmed eyes, she was really here. She was really here with me, in this bathroom, and I had told her to get out, she had said she loved me and I told her to leave. I didn't deserve her, I didn't deserve any of this. I shouldn't even be breathing. My head fell in my hands and I shook my head,

"Bella, I can't take you back," I said, I heard her sob and her hands fell from my neck, she misinterpreted, I snapped my head back up and grabbed her arm, "no Bella, I mean, you shouldn't take me back, what I said earlier, what I did..." I shook my head and felt the tears on my cheek, she wrapped her hand around my wrist and looked up at me through her lashes,

"Edward, please don't do that, don't push me away. It's my choice isn't it? Whether I want you?" I nodded solemnly, "then let me choose you, please."

My heart clenched, I knew what that meant, she wanted me, because she loved me. I didn't beat back the excitement, the pure joy, I just let it consume me, and push away the darkness. It was still there, far in the distance, but Bella was with me, she would keep it away.

The darkness didn't take the joy away, but the anger did. If she was truly staying in Forks, she would have to stay with her father, and Jacob. I shook my head, fresh tears falling down my cheeks, she couldn't go back to that place, I couldn't allow it,

"Bella you can't go back to your fathers," I whispered, she chuckled breathlessly and wrapped her arms around my neck,

"I was hoping you would say that." she kissed my cheek, I was utterly confused...again.

"Bella?" she pulled back and bit her lip.

"My mother is downstairs Edward, she is talking to Esme..."

My lips didn't let her finish her sentence.

There was no doubt in my mind that Bella could stay here, Carlisle loved her, Esme loved her, everyone loves her. Especially me. My body knelt up and her hands went to my soaked hair, I pressed my body into hers, savouring the sweet taste I had missed so much. My Bella. I had my Bella back. Everything went away and it was just us, just me and her.

I slid my tongue out, begging her to take it, to let me in. She sighed against me and parted her lips for me. I moaned against her and wrapped my arms around her back. Our tongues sweetly entwined. She was truly here, I could smell her, I could taste her, I could feel every line of hers under my soaking clothes. I had my Bella back. And this feeling coursed through me, this strange emotion, it was a mixture of my relief, happiness, bliss, and my love, I poured it all into the way my lips moved against hers, the way my boy held hers. It was stronger than anything, it felt heavy and weight free all at the same time, it was overbearing but I loved every second of it.

She pulled back and I rested my forehead against hers, both our breathing heavy. She swept my wet hair back and smiled up at me,

"I love you." She whispered, I closed my eyes and let out a sigh of relief, how many times had I dreamt those words, wished she could say them to me? I laughed breathlessly and pulled her lips to mine again.

"I love you too." I murmured against her.

**Okay..so a lil explanation...will be coming next chapter...But I will be happy to answer *any* questions...lol**

***YAY* Light!!! Whooo!!!**

**So...you know what to do...REVIEW!!! lol....**


	24. Worth existing for

I got up from the floor and Bella unbuttoned my shirt quietly, yanking it down my shoulders. My skin was freezing, I was shaking. And yet I couldn't think about anything other than she had her hands on my skin, she was touching me. I had missed her contact for so long, and now she was here in front of me, towelling my ice cold skin. She bent down and unlaced my shoes, taking them off and throwing them to the side. I watched her and she looked up at me, smiling that smile that I had craved for so long.

I sat down on the edge of the tub and pulled my socks off, she knelt in-between my legs and unbuttoned my jeans. I stood up and she yanked them down, the wet denim sliding harshly on my cold skin.

"Edward you're freezing," she whispered, as if my body was trying to prove its point it shivered and she stood up, walking over to the shower and turning it on. She turned back to me and wrapped her arms around my neck. I shivered and she hugged me tighter. She was so warm, so beautifully warm.

I sniffed back my tears and kissed her neck, she jumped,

"Sorry," I whispered into her skin, she pulled back and touched my face. The room filled with steam, and I sat there contently shivering, looking into the deep chocolate I had missed. She chuckled and tugged my hand pulling me towards the shower. She opened the door and she leant towards me.

"I'm just going to tell them you're in a shower okay? I'll be back up before you finish." She kissed my shoulder and I nodded, I didn't want her to leave me just yet. I wanted to stay as close as possible to her. she leant up and kissed my lips once before I stepped into the hot stream of water.

I hissed as it ran down my frozen skin, it burned at first but I kept myself under it, willing my muscles to stop cramping, to let the hot water soothe them. I took a deep breath and put my hands on the tiles, I was so tired. And sore. My body ached, and my lungs burned. But my chest, my heart, it felt wonderful, my brain was screaming at me that I had Bella back. I finally got used to the water and I stopped shivering. I washed quickly, letting the smell I was so used to calm me some.

Although it just made me more tired.

I shut off the water and the bathroom door opened, I climbed out and Bella had a huge towel waiting for me. What would I do without that girl? She wrapped it around me and pulled another out to dry my chest. I kept interrupting her, kissing her. She didn't mind at all.

She giggled and I sighed, that sound was beautiful.

"Is your mother still downstairs?" I asked in a hushed voice, my throat really was hurting.

"Yeah, Esme is talking about you." She smiled.

"Me? What about me?" she bit her lip and looked down. Taking me out of the bathroom and into my room. she hadnt answered me, "Bella?" just saying her name was pleasant, like a deep, calming breath.

"Well first they were talking about us." She said picking a dry shirt up off my bed and handing it to me; I pulled my arms through it and started buttoning it at the top. "And then about Jacob," my fingers faltered and she looked up at me, hers replaced mine and she done the rest up quickly without speaking, just letting my mind wander,

"Does she know? I mean does she believe you, or _him_?" she smoothed the shirt down and she still was looking at the bottom, she took a deep breath,

"She believes me, Charlie told her I did it to myself but she didn't believe him, she's not as oblivious as he is." She chuckled and I picked my jeans up, stepping through them. "She was distraught when I told her," she looked up at me and I buttoned the jeans and zipped them, "she wasn't upset or angry with me, she was just...I've never seen her like that." she sniffed and I tilted her chin up, placing a kiss sweetly on her lips before smiling at her. "And then I told her about you." She waved at me and I chuckled, she stopped and looked at me, placing both hands on my cheeks, "I missed that."

"I missed it too." I whispered. She smiled at me and I sat back on the bed, "so what did you tell her?" I asked pulling on the warm socks that Bella had put there for me.

"I told her that I love you." She said quietly, I looked up and fixed the bottom of my jeans, "I wasn't lying when I said it," she said, I reached out for her and she climbed onto my lap, I snuggled my head in her hair and smiled against her.

"I know, I love you too." I said happily, it was so incredible to say it out loud, not to bite it back, or pretend I didnt.

_I embraced it._

"I told her you found me when you were driving." She carried on, playing with my hair, I stiffened and she noticed, of course she noticed, "I didn't tell her why you were out, and I didn't tell them how I found you up here either." She said sadly, I pulled up to look at her and she was almost crying,

"Why?" I asked,

"Because," she sniffed and straightened her shoulders, she stared into my eyes and said with firm conviction, "it's not going to happen again."

I chuckled and went back to my safe place, buried in the crook of her neck, "you're right."

"She wasn't happy about me running away; she said I should've phoned her straight away." She said, her mood slightly more buoyant, more Bella. I smiled into her shoulder and she shifted on my lap, "Edward, Renee wants to meet you." I stiffened and looked up, she was biting her lip and I couldn't help myself. I pulled it between my lips and sucked it lightly. I moaned into her lips and pressed my mouth more firmly on hers. I pulled back and she whined slightly moving into me and kissing my lips once more. I sighed.

"We should go down then." I said she smiled happily and jumped off my lap, pulling me up with one hand. this was so strange, holding hands with her. I had gotten so used to the idea that she was gone, that she wasn't coming back. I had put the idea she didn't love me in my head, I had told myself over and over again that I didn't truly have her.

But I did have her, she was twisted in my fingers, she was dragging me down the stairs, she had saved me, she had pulled me out of the darkness...again. she must get tired of saving me. but yet she was here, she kissed me, she held me, and she told me she loved me. I felt my face stretch into a huge grin and we hit the bottom of the stairs.

We walked into the kitchen and were immediately assaulted by laughter. I looked around and Esme and a woman, I assumed was Renee was sitting at the dining table, coffee smell in the air, happiness radiating off them. Renee stood as I entered, smiling at me and Bella.

This shouldn't be too bad,

"Edward." She said my name with respect, I didn't understand, Bella giggled and she let go of my hand,

"Edward Cullen, Renee Dwyer, my mother," she said happily. I smiled and nodded in the woman direction, she looked a lot like Bella, only older, and with shorter hair.

"Pleased to meet you." I said quietly,

"I have heard so much about you." She said she lifted her hand and beckoned me over to the table. She kind of reminded me of a social worker, those overly kind ladies that try to do right by everyone, that don't have a mean bone in their bodies. I walked over and sat at the table; Bella sat next to me and took my hand again, linking our fingers, resting them on the top of the table. I heard Esme sigh and I looked over; she practically had tears in her eyes.

"Good things?" I asked politely, she nodded and I smiled,

"Bella has been missing you like crazy, you're pretty much all she talked about back in Phoenix." She laughed, taking a long sip from her coffee mug, I looked over at Bella and she was blushing a beautiful shade. I was away from her for too long, I couldn't help myself. Looking at her was like pulling me into a private bubble that only contained me and her. I leant in and kissed her cheek, whispering in her ear,

"I've missed that as well."

Esme coughed and I pulled back, an apologetic smile on my face.

"yes, well," Renee put her cup down and looked at me, "Edward, I don't know if Bella has told you but she wants to stay in Forks, and she doesn't want to go to her fathers." I nodded in understanding and she folded her arms in front of her, "your father and mother have agreed to take her in. I understand that you are in love, but I also know how fickle some romances are. Are _you_ okay with this?"

she was _really_ asking me?

I laughed shakily and nodded my head, mine and Bella's relationship was anything but fickle, it was real and strong and scared the shit out of me sometimes, but it was all worth it, because I would do anything for her, anything. Bella squeezed my hand and I smiled at her.

We sat and talked about the arrangement. The journey down here. And Renee's husband. And Charlie. And Jacob. Some parts of the conversation were harder to listen to than others, and yet I sat there, anchored by Bella, held in place by her fingers in mine. Alice came in with Emmett and squealed loudly, making an impression on Renee before even speaking to her. Emmett hugged Bella and Alice was jumping up and down in excitement.

Bella was going to stay with us for the school year; the first semester would be a trial run, as Renee put it. At Christmas she would stay with Phil and herself. I was welcome to join them. Bella agreed to all of the conditions, even the one that Renee had made regarding speaking to her dad. I immediately protested but Bella agreed, she would talk with him, on the phone. I relaxed back in my seat and she kissed my cheek chastely. Carlisle came in and greet Renee formally, I didn't miss the eyebrows Renee gave Bella at the gesture. He invited her up to his office and her Esme and Carlisle went up, leaving me and Bella in the kitchen with Em and Alice.

"I cannot believe you're actually staying.I mean when I got your message I was going to tell him and then you said 'surprise him'. I mean all I could think about was you coming back and I swear I saw the gym teacher giving me funny looks..."

"Ali," I mumbled, she squealed, Emmett chuckled and hugged her again. Alice clapped her hands and hugged her after, I laughed and Alice wrapped her arms around my neck,

"Okay Alice, I do need to breathe." I strained out, she hugged me tighter.

"I swear if you go back to your gloominess, I will kick your ass." She whispered into my ear. I laughed and hugged her tightly.

"No chance." I murmured and she let me go. Bella giggled and I lifted her off the chair, pulling her into my lap and I wrapped my arms around her waist. She put her arms around my neck and I leant into her. She hummed and pulled my hair lightly. I had missed that too, she knew exactly what she was doing when she touched me.

"How did you do it?" I whispered,

"What?"

"Survive?"

"I didn't have any doubt that I would see you again." she said simply, I looked up and she was smiling,

"It wasn't that easy for me." I whispered dejectedly, she pulled her hair and looked up,

"I know," she hummed and looked back down, "it was like that at first for me, Charlie had said Renee knew everything, that she knew it was my fault,"

Anger surged through me and Bella placed a kiss on my forehead, "but when I got to Phoenix, expecting an earful, I got a hug." She chuckled and I smiled, that sound pushed everything down, away, where it belonged. "I told her everything and I never doubted that I would be coming back here. That's the only thing that kept me alive." She pushed my hair back and I looked around, Alice and Emmett weren't in the kitchen anymore, we were alone. "Honestly Edward, I come back here, practically bouncing with happiness, to surprise you, and tell you that I can stay, and I come upstairs to find you..." she trailed off and sniffed and my heart clenched, "at least_ I_ didn't do anything drastic." She murmured, I felt a pang of shame run through me and I dropped my head on her shoulder. "Did you even think through the consequences?" she asked slightly irritated. I grimaced against her, "did you think about what that would've done to me? I was so scared."She said, sadly. I raised my head to look at her,

"I didn't think I'd see you again." I whispered, "I wasn't me, it was like I was gone, like you had taken me away with you when you left." I put my head back on her shoulder and yawned, I was so tired, and being held against Bella like this wasn't helping me. She sighed and pressed her lips into my hair. It felt so good, so familiar. I felt the warm feeling of ease and comfort run through me and I smiled against her.

"Edward?" she said jerking me out of my near unconsciousness. "Edward come on, let's get you to bed." she said jumping off my lap. She pulled my hand up and I lifted my body off the chair. She dragged me upstairs, my limbs were tired and my mind was confused by the sudden wave of lethargy that had climbed over me.

I lay straight on my bed, not bothering to take my clothes off. She lay behind me, throwing her leg over my knee and her arm was under mine, she hugged my back tightly and I hummed.

This was exactly what I needed, I needed _her_. Just my Bella close.

The pleasant darkness covered me before I really knew it. The last feeling I felt was Bella's nose nuzzling my neck sweetly, and her arms hold me as I drifted. The feeling coursed through me, the belonging, the love, the bliss, the feeling that I had something, someone real and tangiable, that was curled around my body, my Bella, I truly had something worth it all. Worth every tear, every hardship, every stupid damn day of my entire life. Worth _existing_ for.

It was the best feeling in the world.

**That's where I originally planned to end it...although I got an Epilogue waiting for you :).... **

**I actually had a few endings for this...**

**But this one was the one that ended being the one I chose...**

**So review me...the epilogue will be up tomorrow... :)**


	25. Epilogue

"Edward next week, we will talk about your adoptive parents okay?"

"Yeah that's fine, I'll see you Tuesday." I smiled and closed the door. I groaned and let go of the handle, automatically running my hands through my hair. I shook my head, and walked down the tiny hall to the overly furnished room where the blonde secretary was sitting.

"Oh, Edward, there is a brunette waiting outside for you, she told me to tell you." She winked at me and I smiled, not at her, or her lack of manners. I hated that she called me by my first name, and it was even worse when she flirted with me. I remained completely oblivious of course. I smiled at the fact that Bella was outside this room, waiting for me.

Just like every week.

I opened the heavy door and was assaulted by the cold air. I looked around and Bella was standing across the street looking in a shop window, tendrils of her hair were blowing about her face and she pushed them back and stepped closer to the glass. I walked across the road, and stepped behind silently. She was admiring a pendant, nothing special. Or it wasn't to me.

"Do you like that?" I asked nodding towards the silver circle pendant, she jumped and swivelled round,

"Edward, what have I told you about that?!" she swatted my arm and smiled, I chuckled and looked back over at the show case.

"Do you?" she turned back towards it,

"Yes its beautiful, the inscription reads 'together in eternity'" she turned back and smiled happily at me, I raised my eyebrows and her face fell, "no, not a chance, have you seen the price?"

"Bella." I put on my best pleading voice and she shook her head, pushing my arms and making me walk away from the shop, I glanced at the shop name and her hand covered my eyes,

"Do you think I'm that stupid?" she giggled, I laughed, I got the name anyway.

"Why do you do that?" I asked once her hand dropped and she linked her arm in mine.

"Because I will not have you spend unreasonable amounts of money on me."

"Cant I get it as a gift?" I tried hedging, I was going to buy it anyway, I just didn't want to get in trouble.

"What's the occasion?" she asked, raising her eyebrows, I flicked through my brain and my mouth lifted up in a smile,

"My tenth therapy session?" I beamed, she rolled her eyes,

"That would mean I would get you a gift." We walked into the parking lot,

"How about my gift is you let me get you a gift?" I tried again,

"How was therapy today?" she changed the subject, I groaned and she looked up at me, "you know the rule, you chose to go, you suck it up and deal, without the pout." She smiled,

"You know the cure for the pout." I wagged my eyebrows and she sighed, we stopped mid step and she leant up on her tiptoes to press a kiss on my lips. She pulled back but I wound my hand in her hair, pulling her face back to mine to give her something firmer. She giggled and I let my hand fall down her back. We continued walking to my car and she looked up at me,

"What did you talk about today?" I clicked the button on my keys and the car beeped, I opened her door and she climbed in. I walked around the car and sat down, turning the engine on to warm the car up. "Well?"

"I talked about what I usually talk about," I sighed, I put the car into gear and pulled out,

"He is going to get sick of hearing about me Edward." She moaned, I smiled to myself,

"And then we talked about..." I paused, she looked over at me and cocked her head, I sighed, "my childhood."

She burst into giggles and I glared playfully at her, "sorry," she tried to stifle her laughter against her hand and I looked forward, "you just sounded so clichéd" she started laughing again and I turned up past the coffee shop.

"It's not funny Bella." I sighed,

"I know," she coughed, "I'm sorry, go on, what about your childhood?" she asked, she seemed to have gotten over her strange hysteria and I smiled,

"About my mother," it turned onto our road, "about my first foster homes," I parked the car and shut the engine off, "and about my dog." I climbed out of the car and she shut her door behind her.

"You had a dog?" she asked surprised, we walked onto the sidewalk and I grimaced,

"Yeah, my first family though it would be a nice Christmas gift for me, a husky. I didn't like him very much." She laughed softly and opened the apartment building door.

Bella and I had moved out of Carlisle's house after graduation, we had both chosen to go to college here in Seattle, she was studying English, I had chosen something a little more musical. I had bought an apartment building not too far from the campus, so we could be alone, and have something that was ours. I loved our apartment, a little two bedroomed thing. A nice living area and kitchen, and Esme had helped us furnish it perfectly for us. Bella fumbled around for her keys in her purse and I sighed, I stepped behind her and wound my hands around her waist and dove into her jean pocket, I pulled out the keys and she grumbled. She opened the door and I couldn't help but lift her bridal style and kick the door behind me.

"Edward, put me down."

"Nope." I nuzzled her neck and she wrapped her hands around my head, pulling my hair in the way I liked. I began walking to our room.

Mine and Bella's room.

"I missed you today." I murmured into her hair, she hummed as I opened the door to our bedroom and closed it behind me,

"I missed you too." She whispered, god I loved it when she whispered to me, as if the words were for me only, I put her on the bed and crawled on top of her, placing little kisses where ever I could. She giggled and her hand ran down my neck,

It was one of those moments. The moments were the words bubbled to my lips, and I couldn't stop them. And I didn't want to, ever. Things were as perfect as they could get, well in my eyes at least; we had so many things to work through, and so many little obstacles that could still threaten to tear us apart. But that's what made our relationship perfect. Because we knew, deep down we both knew that we could overcome anything our live would throw as us, my therapy sessions, apologetic calls from her father, college, careers. Anything.

And so when my mind wanted to scream to her that I loved her with everything I had. I didn't stop myself, because I knew she loved me back, because I knew she would accept it, because I knew that she knew I did, yet I couldn't stop reminding her. Like all that time of keeping it in was being repaid slowly.

I nuzzled her nose with mine and her hands fell down my chest, I smiled and she bit her lip,

"I love you." I said happily, her face lit up in a grin and she giggled, snaking her hands back around my neck and pulling my face to hers.

"I love you too Edward, now take your clothes off before I have to tackle you." She giggled breathlessly.

***sigh***

**So a few things, **

**Edward is in therapy *yay* **

**Charlie is still a twat, but is sad to see his daughter so far away, Bella never pressed charges on Jacob, wanting to leave her old life behind.**

**(See not everything is picture perfect) sorry bout that....**

**And College!! **

**Thankies to everyone who stuck through it till the end....**

**And mega thankies to everyone who reviewed, favourited, or put this story on alerts....you guys...**_**without a doubt**_**...rock...**

**Erm...No sequel... :) and I've got a few ideas for another fic...but I dont think I will be doing any soon... **

**And well review this last little chapter... :) give me one last smile...**


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